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6:00 a.m. - 2008-05-15


American Idol thoughts:

Who really cares who wins at this point? It's down between the guy who the little girls like and the guy who people with some semblance of good taste likes.

If Archuletta wins, he'll never be a teen idol like they're hoping. Kids don't want to put albums full of sappy ballads on their iPods. If they did, Celine Dion would be ranked a whole lot higher on the charts these days.

If Cook wins, he'll have decent success ... AFTER he's forced to release the first single that "Idol" makes their winners release which NEVER do anything in terms of sales.

Taylor Hicks' "Idol" single was "Do I Make You Proud". Care to hum a few bars? No?? Because you've forgotten how it goes??


Jordin Sparks' single was "This Is My Now". Should have been a huge hit at weddings for the first dance.

"Should" have.


Trust me.

I've been avoiding saying it here because

A) It's really kind of boring and

B) I'm trying to protect my anonymity.

But a few months ago I was elected to my Neighborhood Home Owners Association Board of Directors.

I had a few acquaintances on the Board and thought it'd be kind of fun to hang out with them for a few years at monthly meetings.

People told me "Oh Uncle Bob ... you're stepping into a nightmare if you want to be on the Board. It's vicious."


"HA!" I laughed in their faces. "You must not know me! I'm easygoing! I'm carefree! That's what I plan to bring to the Board! An easygoing, carefree attitude!!"


Last week at our meeting, after every member of a certain committee quit in retaliation for something the Board did before I started with them ... I kinda threw the "easygoing, carefree" side of me out.

And ushered in the mean, old, nasty part of me in.

I basically called them all childish liars.

One guy didn't really approve of my tone of voice and wanted to "take it outside".

Here I am, TRYING to conduct a decent meeting, and this guy wants to beat my ass in the parking lot.

I'm 46 years old. I seriously cannot remember the last fight I was in or even if I've ever BEEN in a real fight.

I know I got a black eye in one fight and a bloody nose in another. But I think those were more one punch-"shit, you broke my nose"-types of fights that I walked away from.

I'm too old for this shit.

So now an entire committee is wiped out and we've had to step up as a Board and take the committee over.

Not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm already on four other committees for this neighborhood.

So now (get out your tally cards), I'm on five committees and the board.

I'm spearheading a huge summer party for the entire neighborhood in two weeks.

I have a day job plus my own business to run.

I have a child with learning disabilities.

I have diabetes and (according to one doctor) am about to enter the beginning stages of kidney disease.

But hey ... I just saved some money on my car insurance.

So life is good.

Oh ... maybe not necessarily.

A couple of weeks ago I had to DJ a wedding in a neighboring state.

The bride acted strange throughout our time together. Wanted to pay me in full the day of the wedding which I okayed. Couldn't decide on a First Dance song. Wanted something to "capture the moment", etc.

So anyway, the wedding's at 6 and it's in a different freakin' time zone, so I left the house early in the afternoon.

Drove the 2 hour drive to the wedding spot.

Walked in, asked where I should set up.

"Oh, you haven't heard?" the girl behind the counter said.

My heart sunk.

"The wedding's been cancelled."

After we mopped the urine from the front of my pants together, I found out that everything was hunky dory until the Friday night rehearsal dinner.

At the dinner, the bride got pretty drunk.

Really drunk.

And then the bride said something that offended the groom's family so much, that the groom's father stood up, asked for everyone's attention and said he wasn't paying a goddamned dime for anything else, turned to his son and told him he'd be a fool to marry this bitch.

That's all anybody knew at the place where she was to have her reception.

So I tried to call the bride but naturally, she wasn't taking calls at this time.

Because, as they reported at the reception place, she was still pretty fucked up from drinking non-stop.

So I called the groom's father and he confirmed the wedding was off and he had already given the bride the money to pay me.


So I waited 90 minutes before driving home, hoping this drunken witch would call me and say "Let me bring you your money and show you my titties while I'm at it."

Because ... you know ... I'm a guy. I won't turn down a gander at some drunken jilted bride's boobies. It's in my chromosomes.

No call from the girl.

So I drive home and when I'm 30 minutes away from my house, she calls.

She's wasted.

She's all "Wahhh wahhh me. Poor pitiful me."

And I'm all "Yeah, poor you. By the way, I need my money because you signed a contract that specifically states you'll pay me even if something like this happens and ..."


Drunken bitch hangs up on me.

So I call her again, say that we must have been disconnected and I really need to collect my ....


So I call her again, this time I tell her "DO NOT HANG UP ON ME" and try to proceed to tell her that she doesn't have to rush to the post office right now, Monday will be fine and ...


Now apparently, according to her, I'm being "insensitive".

Well yeah. Given the circumstances, you should be getting married at this moment and instead you've got a total stranger telling you to send him several hundred dollars.

I can see where that'd be considered "insensitive".

But I can't go to the bank on Monday and say "Sorry, I'm an insensitive bastard. Instead of giving you people the money you've been waiting on, can we just forget I ever needed to pay a mortgage? Just this month?? PLEEEEEASE???"

Oh heck no, Wally.

The girl THEN called me back and said she'd pay me in full IF IF IF IF IF I drove BACK to her state, set up for a party and played a party for her and her friends ... but I had to be there, set up and ready to go in ONE HOUR.

She's two hours away from me.

I told her that was impossible and that I was already home.

"Then you're not getting paid," she said.


Finally, last week she answered one of my emails.

This happened to be the email where I mentioned if I didn't get my money in one week, she'd be taken to small claims court where she'd have to pay court costs, travel fees, and whatever the hell else I could think of to tack on to her bill.

She wrote back, told me she'd have me paid by TODAY and that I was still an insensitive bastard.

Oh ... and she wanted a discount because no services were rendered.

I told her she could keep a hundred bucks if she got the check to me by TODAY.

I never heard back from her.

We'll see if I get a check today.

For some reason, I'm just not trusting this drunk fuck-up very much.

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