IT'S 2001. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?

So here we are.

Both of us lonely.

Longing for shelllllll-ter,

From all that we see.

*cough*

Hey. Happy f'n' New Year to you too.

I had a kick-ass New Year's Eve.

First...we watched "Wheel Of Fortune".

Then...we watched "The Green Mile".

And then...oh God...I can't believe this actually happened...

........

.........(very dramatic pause).......

...I went to bed!!

Yepperz. In bed at 10:10, asleep by 10:12.

I heard some dumbass redneck buttlicks outside shooting off fireworks at 11 p.m.

11 p.m.

These waste-a-zoids were probably watching Dick Clark's New Year's Eve Crap, which is in the eastern zone, an hour ahead of us (CENTRAL TIME ZONE RULES BABY!!)and when the countdown to midnight on TV took place, they probably thought it was midnight here because they have ass for brains.

Or ... at least...that's the theory I just now came up with.

Lemme see...what else....??

We had Andy dedicated to the church yesterday. I know what that means...it's basically a pre-baptism...I just don't grasp it really. To me, it's nothing more than a chance for the parents to get up in front of the congregation and show off their kid.

God...did we show that kid off yesterday.

He was dressed to the nines...went through four outfit changes, with the final one being a glitter number from Bob Mackie...

I need something to drink. It's 5 a.m. and I need something to drink.

Water.

Welcome to diet 2001.

My goal?? I wanna lose 100 lbs.

I'll settle for 50.

And I wanna do it by May.

It CAN happen. I lost 50 lbs in '98 in a three month period.

Of course...doctors removed three quarters of my stomach at the time. Then they gave me the stomach of an orangutan in a breakthrough stomach transplant. Now I'm overweight, and can't get enough of bananas, cabbage and my own shit.

Thank you, goodnight. Exits are to your left and right.

So anyway...yeah...I'm gonna do it.

The key, my friends, is a daily exercise regime, preferably one suggested by a former TV star from the 1970s.

If Suzanne Sommers says a diet rocks, then believe me friend, you'd better hop on that bandwagon QUICK.

Nothing but bananas and creme soda for six months and I lose 50 lbs?? I think I've met the devil because I just sold my soul.

What day is it...Monday??

I love little extended weekends.

Anyway...so we got little Andy dedicated to the church...as always...the kid was quiet as a lamb ... he stared at everyone as they walked him through the church so everyone could touch him and spread germs all over him.

I'm Anal.

Remember??

It was nice, we got it all on tape, blah blah blah.

Went to Olive Garden afterwards for lunch. I don't give Olive Garden enough props in this diary and that's probably because I never eat there and when I do, I have a shitty experience with it.

However ... yesterday's meal was free courtesy of some lady she works with who gave her a gift certificate for Christmas.

And I can't hardly bitch about free food.

And it was quite good actually. The salad was superb, and I don't think I could have eaten one more basket of bread sticks if they stuffed 'em down my gullet.

Kidding. I only had two bread sticks.

Gah. What kinda pig do you think I am?

Gah.

We saw an old co-worker of ours...Candace there.

We worked with Candace in a bar in 1986, when she was known as Candy.

I still call her Candy when I see her, but she goes by Candace.

Anyway.

She and I always got along really well, but she was really into cocaine, while I find coke heads obnoxious and irritating.

She started screwing the bar manager when he'd get her wacked out on coke, making her a coke whore.

She threatened to sue the bar for sexual harrassment, saying she had to put out to save her job.

Her last night at the club, I got drunk and started talking shit over the microphone saying that one of our waitresses was leaving the club and here's a song for her.

I played a song by Three Dog Night. "Liar". Few of you will remember the tune.

(I just now went to download it off of Napster. It's there. It's a shitty song...but I just wanted to call the girl a Liar without actually calling her a liar.)

I was a shit. I already know this.

Anyway, we're back on speaking terms when we see each other which is about once every year.

She owns her own beauty salon now. She's been cutting hair for years and years.

I need to go get my hair cut.

I really do.

I think I'm developing a cyber crush.

Okay ... how much do you wanna bet that ol' Schmez was staring at that monitor with the intensity of a gladiator? I bet her head was a' bobbin' and a' weavin' like a drunken baby as she typed that thing out.

Schmez ... I sure as HELL hope you took three Advil and brushed your teeth BEFORE you went to bed.

THAT'S Uncle Bob's hangover remedy. You read it here last.

Speaking of hangovers...guess I shoulda handed out that remedy yesterday, huh??

Regardless...I hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year.

Uncle Bob wubs ya.

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On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate 2000 as far as your personal life?