Uncle Bob REALLY needs for you kids to hold it down in here today. Uncle Bob drank one too many shooters last night and is feeling a tad on the goddammitwhydididrinksomuch side this morning. If you're under 18, there's nothing I can do to stop you from reading this malarkey. I guess I could start using words like "malarkey" enough, so it would feel like you were reading your grandparent's page. That may make you run away in droves. Let's cut this tomfoolery and 86 skiddoo outta here.

MY 2,412TH HANGOVER

Lemme tell ya the story about my 2,412th hangover.

It all started about an hour ago. I got up to pee and I walked into the door frame of my bathroom.

I think I'm bleeding, but I'm too scared to look. Plus, I've gone numb, so it's not like I'm actually hurting.

Believe me...I'm a big baby. I woulda SCREAMED by now if I was hurting. You woulda known I was in pain before you even clicked on this page.

Anyway...this isn't a horrible hangover. I've just got a cloudy mind, sluggishness, I'M STARVING and am slightly dehydrated.

I apparently tried to form coherant sentences and thoughts last night to tell y'all all about my night last night, when all I was concerned with is I kissed some babe goodbye at the end of the night. Sorry about that entry. I'm embarrassed, humiliated and slightly aroused by it.

We went to two bars I've never been to ... "Bumpers" which is an upscale pool hall (in Alabama that means no guns, only knives)and a little military bar called "Crosskeys". We were all going to do Karaoke at Crosskeys, but only the girls had the testicular fortitude to actually get up there and do it which gave every military guy in there a boner. I filled out a little Karaoke slip to turn in though...I just never got the courage to get up there and do it.

I shall now read your mind....it's coming in cloudy....that's probably more my mind than yours....let's seee....hmmmmm.....wait....I think I have something here....

The pounding question running through your head is.....WHY BOB??? WHY?????

Well ... I will tell you my little pointy head friend...

A) It was full of military guys in there who wanted to watch the young women get up there and sing ... not fuckin' Uncle Bob.

B) The song I picked was the one I quoted in my "Country Music" entry ... David Allen Coe's "You Never Even Call Me By My Name". The thing is...even though I've been listening to the song steadily all week I still don't know it all that well. I've listened to it at least twice a day over the five days ... shit....Monday I probably listened to it 20 times.

...I really need something in my tummy...brb....

...Fuckin' Gardetto's Snack Mix. Yummy.

Anywhooo....I was of course, scared to get up there and make an ass of myself. I should have, because it woulda made a great column for the newspaper this week.

Alas...I did not.

Still...we had a good time. Saw some old friends that I hadn't seen in a while last night, which was cool.

At one point, Mattie Gee (in his drunken arrogance, sans wisdom) shared with me that he was a "God" in these bars because he's been playing guitar so long in them.

I pointed out that I was a God with the Ballet Companies.

Which is sad, but kinda cool. I've had my day in the bar scene. I worked in bars from 1984-1992. When you're in them every single night for that long a period, you tend to not really miss them so much once you get away from them. But I met my wife in a bar, and we've been together for 13 years.

...Mainly because she doesn't mind if I go out and kiss on other women young enough to be my daughter.

At least, I don't thinkshe would mind. Why tell her?

So now, being in the position I'm in, I work a lot with the "society" people in town and the people that make the city's wheels spin. Where I used to be friends with the drug dealers, I'm now pals with the Mayor.

...And if he EVER saw this diary, he'd shit.

Sorry the past couple of entries have been disjointed synapses of boring moments of my day.

But hey ... that's a diary for ya.

You know Bob...I think I'm beginning to develop a crush on you. Is that weird? Here....let me tell you more...

If ya wanna check out my other website, updated daily (BUT NOT TODAY...I DON'T FEEL SO WELL) with a REAL diary PLUS my diary this day in 1980 click here

Tell me everything's going to be alright.