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10:26 a.m. - 2003-11-12


(Episode IV: A New Beginning)

THE CHALLENGE: "You are a group of mutants. Sad part is, you're the group of mutants with the most pathetic mutations ever. What are they? What are your codenames? Who is your own separate arch-nemesis, and who is the über-archnemesis for the group as a whole?"

Deep within the bowels of the dark underworld known as Diaryland, there lives a band of horribly disfigured mutants. Once welcomed by society, this group of six misfits was cast out of their comfortable surroundings after being exposed to radioactive waves that somehow transmitted through the Internet, which we could go into a deep explanation about, but … c'mon … who really gives two shits about that?

These mutants joined forces to combat evil in every form and named themselves the Lame Asses Fighting Internet Terrorists That're Everywhere or LAFITTE.

The formation of LAFITTE serves one purpose: to extinguish the evil from Diaryland … evil that exists in their biggest enemies … Loudwoman and Scourge.

Tracking their enemies to their secret location was simple. They just did a Google search for "Lamest Shoe Store In The History of Mankind" and were given the full scoop on their secret lair. Medussa peeked into the dim shoe store and, forked tongue flicking in the air, hissed, "Are we ready for this, guys?"

Jack Daniels thrust out his soft, round belly, tweaked his beer goggles and responded – too loudly – "I'm ready for anything. We’re ready for anything. Fucking us against the world. Yeah. Bring it on man, bring it on!"

Medussa shook her head censoriously, sending a shower of flaky scales cascading from her writhing, snake-infested head. "Don't you ever sober up, you hooligan? How is anybody supposed to understand a word you say when you slur like that, Jack Daniels? And keep it down. We're trying to be sneaky, remember?"

"Oh, shove it! You barely know your asp from a hole in the ground!" Jack Daniels spouted.

"Hey hey hey!" Captain Coldsore interrupted, "Let's attack the evil Loudwoman, not each other! It'll take all six of us working together to defeat that 537-lb mass of drooling tattooed and woefully misguided pierced flesh! She's a formidable enemy! In fact, once – long, long ago - Loudwoman was a respected member of that brilliant group of extraordinarily beautiful people with shining teeth and impeccable hygiene commonly known as the Diaryland Survivor Judges. During those dark times, it was common knowledge that the Loudwoman was the one horrifically discolored yellowish-purply bruise on this otherwise perfect group of sexy beings who are also damned good writers if I may say so myself. And they're really popular too. So yeah. So anyway, she was cast out of the group by her peers and told never to return again unless she rid herself of her excessive weight and chronic foul stench that she proudly wore like one of her many prison tattoos. Rejected by her "peers" and widely ignored by those with taste, she resigned herself to a life of passing cruel judgment on others through the Internet from the comfort of her steel-reinforced desk chair, spreading hate and discontent on every site that she perused."

The Pedantic Pedant clapped one hand over Captain Coldsore's mouth, leaned in real close, and used her supernatural superciliousness to wither his ego at a single glance. "Captain Coldsore, now is not the time to tell stories, or even to quote Thucydides. Now is the time for action."

Captain Coldsore began to cry. "You're right. I just keep babbling on! It's a sickness! I can't stop it! I hate myself!"

Jack Daniels scratched his enormous testicles and slurred, "Don't cry man! Don't you dare fucking lose it now! C'mon dude, don't get heavy on us…"

Suddenly a naked lady wearing bunny ears appeared on the scene, a little out of breath. A little sweaty, too. "Sorry I’m late! I had ... uhhh... business to attend to and ...err ... errands to run..."

"We all know you are not our helpful and efficient mother." Medussa replied, rolling her eyes, “You are our sex crazed mother, and if you don’t keep your pimply ass out of my face you will be going in first.”

The naked lady tweaked one pert nipple on her just-starting-to-sag breast and winked. "No problem, Sweetie. You know the ladies love me." She paused, put one finger in her mouth and licked it contemplatively. "The men too, actually. Lots of men. Sooooo many men ..."

"If you want to stand around talking, fine with me. I'll just take this into my own hands. Or feet, as the situation may be," Fleetfoot declared, simultaneously presenting her size 15 feet for inspection. Then, standing at her full height and looking loftily toward the heavens, Fleetfoot declared in a mighty, echoing voice: "On behalf of all that is good and right, and in utter defiance of all that is bad and left, charge!"

Then she was off, her elephantine feet flapping on the ground like massive, rubbery pancakes.

A loud crash was the reward of Fleetfoot's efforts as she slammed headfirst into the concrete wall opposite the door. She fell to the ground, unconscious…directly at the feet of the evil Scourge.

Your Sex-Crazed Mamma peeked inside. "Who's that sad creature utterly lacking in testicles?"

Clearing his throat and glancing fearfully at the Punctilious Pedant, Captain Coldsore replied in a whisper: "That's Scourge. He was born half man/half weasel and spends most of his day sitting by LoudWoman's side like a good dog, tongue hanging out and panting, waiting for her command to spam message boards with idle threats about lives being ruined and diaries being shunned if anyone dares to play Diaryland Survivor. He is generally regarded as pathetic by not only Lafitte, but also the Kidd tribe, Loudwoman herself, everyone else in Diaryland and even those kids with flies crawling around their eyes in those Sally Struthers commercials. Yet, the brainless piece of shit remains oblivious to these vibes and continues cramming his nose up Loudwoman's sloppy, flatulent and abnormally hairy ass, balancing her bulbous frame on his weasel-like muzzle with the ease of a circus geek..."

"Okay, okay, I get it." The Sex Crazed Mamma interrupted, "What about the little ones?"

"Oh, them?" Captain Coldsore snorted. "They're the DS5Viewers, but they're so poorly organized and pitiful, they're barely worth the effort to talk about. And that's saying a lot, from me. They're like the fat kid chasing all the popular kids on their bikes down the street, yelling 'Wait up! Wait up, guys! I wanna play too!' while the popular kids pick up speed to get away from him."

Suddenly Captain Coldsore noticed the Punctilious Pedant approaching and closed his mouth.

The Sex Crazed Mamma reapplied the concealer to her arse, straightened her bunny ears, and boldly stepped forward to wage war with the enemy.

"You know," the Sex Crazed Mamma mumbled. "Before we go into battle with these pukes, I'd like to bring up something that's been bothering me. I know that we have common enemies in Loudwoman, Scourge and the DS5 Viewers … but I think now would be a great time for us to share each of our individual arch-nemesis. You know … for future reference. And to appease the judges of this contest, of course."

The Punctilious Pedant spoke first.

"Just the thought of Sexual Prowess Man makes me shudder," she said, visibly shuddering. "There's nothing quite like him to make me shut my mouth, mind and legs."

"Monty Python over here," Medussa hissed.

"The British comedy troupe who took American by storm in the early-to-mid 70s that gave geeks plenty of dialogue to quote before 'Lord of the Rings' became a trilogy?" Captain Coldsore quizzed.

"No," Medussa said with a flick of her tongue. "There's this python named Monty that follows me around trying to eat me on a daily basis."

"Mmmmm, sounds DELICIOUS!" your Sex Crazed Mamma purred.

They all stared at Mamma hoping their glares would snap her out of yet another sexual fantasy.

"My arch nemesis would be the evil Handsome Heterosexual Dude," Mamma said with a gleam in her eye. "I've spent most of my life trying to bring him to the other side, but he's evil … EVIL I'm telling you! Cute. But evil."

Fleetfoot sneered. "That damned Sprint Man is the bane of my existence," she groaned. "That guy is EVERYWHERE. 'Can you hear me now? Good! Can you hear me now? Good!' Jeez. He makes me look as slow as Loudwoman taking an IQ test."

Jack Daniels hiccupped.

"Sober Guy's a dirty sumofabitch," he slurred. "He's all high and mighty with that 'Lookie me, I don't NEEEEED to drink to have fun' shit. It just makes me wanna PUKE!"

"Wonderful," Captain Coldsore mumbled, cautiously watching Jack's chest heave. "I despise Single Man. Having sex with different women, eating pizza day and night and never having his apartment smell like two day-old dirty diapers. I curse you Single Man. CURSE YOUUUUU!!"

Your Sexy Mamma spoke up.

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, can we go back to what we were talking about?"

"Yeah, sure," Captain Coldsore said. "Where were we?"

"We were just about to wage battle with the enemy," Your Sexy Mamma growled, glaring at the DS5 Viewers who were beginning to sweat profusely.

The bare, undulating just-starting-to-sag breasts of Your Sexy Mamma hypnotized the DS5Viewers whilst Medussa moved in with her asps and started to pick the little viewers off one by one. Strangely most of them seemed to curl up and die before any real attack took place, just withering away into irrelevance like slugs having salt poured on them.

It was then that Captain Coldsore stepped forward. He was in slight trouble because of the cheesy stench that both Loudwoman and Scourge were emanating. At first it seemed like some sort of cunning plan but on further reflection it appeared that perhaps it had more to do with poor bodily hygiene and the moldy funk that had grown in the crevices of their filthy rolls of fat.

This is where the Punctilious Pedant came in. She fixed her audience with one bleary eye and began, "You know that the practice of daily bathing is a fairly recent development in Europe. Even as late as the nineteenth century it was widely believed that only whores ever got dirty enough to need a bath, and most citizens of means preferred having their clothes laundered to cleaning their own bodies. But that's not the worst of it. Water was commonly believed to be a dangerous carrier of diseases and on the advice of leading medical experts Louis XIV only took four baths a year ..."

As the Punctilious Pedant spoke, Loudwoman and Scourge froze, confused and transfixed. Their eyes began to cross. This gave the other members of the LAFITTE tribe enough time to adjust to their putrid scent and resume their attack.

The Punctilious Pedant took one look at Scourge's quaking knees and declared; "I can read him like a book. He's scared shitless."

Captain Coldsore snorted, "Well, I can smell him like a bus station toilet. And you're not kidding, missy."

The Sexy Mother knelt by Scourge. She winked conspiratorially at her compatriots and, leaned forward, displaying her only-just-sagging cleavage to its best advantage while cooing in a low, sweet voice, "Hey honey. Won't you do your momma a favor? I'd be real glad if you'd just turn around…and stick your finger up that fat bitch's nose. You do that and we'll see what yo' momma can do for you in return ..."

You can imagine Scourge's excitement. You can probably imagine the speed and enthusiasm with which he attacked his given task. You can even imagine the sound of Loudwoman's meaty fist connecting with Scourge's weak jaw right after she felt the slightest tickling in her nose. Indeed, it was ugly. And it didn't stop there. Loudwoman beat her traitorous henchman until he was nothing but a rather revolting puddle on the ground.

It was right after Loudwoman forked Scourge's eyes onto her nails like olives on a toothpick that she began spewing green vomit and turning her head in 360 degree circles. Knowing they had to do something quickly the four heroes that were left pounced on a phone book and looked under "E" for "Exorcist". All the while the Sex Crazed Mamma was making jokes about her fingers doing the walking and winking seductively at Captain Coldsore. Eventually Captain Coldsore took Mamma out with one swift punch and let her join Jack Daniels and Fleetfoot in the unconscious pile.

After about 20 minutes or so due to a wreck during the Bowels of Diaryland rush hour, the Exorcist arrived and started his routine. The Exorcist asked for the remaining members of LAFITTE's help in holding the slimy fuckpig down. Straws were drawn and Captain Coldsore and Medussa had to restrain Loudwoman while the holy water was splashed upon her.

The big tub of goo began convulsing as lightning flashed through the window. Storm clouds began to gather and then separate and Loudwoman started to transform.

Slowly the mutants watched and realized that Loudwoman was in fact Genghis Jon in disguise, thus explaining the total and utter foul language as well as sexual ambiguity. The tattoos all over the body were still a mystery, but then again, nobody can explain why a portly female such as Loudwoman would want to make herself even more disgusting with a slew of prison tattoos anyway.

The clouds then parted, the sun did shine and the heroes looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, picked up one unconscious team member each and left. There was nothing else they could do to punish Genghis other than leave him as he is.

A withering, blubbering idiot.

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