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5:54 a.m. - 2001-12-14


Soooo...Winona Ryder has been busted for shoplifting $5,000 worth of clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue and possession of pharmaceuticals without a prescription.

How bizarre. How bizarre.

I've never really been a big fan of Winona's. Maybe it's because I always get her confused with that red headed monster Wynonna Judd. Maybe it's because she takes it upon herself to find the scuzziest males in the entertainment world and falls in love with them.

Watch your back, Kid Rock! Ha! I kid...

Maybe it's because I think she's a talentless anorexic wart who has more money than she knows what to do with and still feels compelled to steal anything she can get her bony little hands on. Maybe I have no reason to not like her. The only movie I think I've ever seen of hers is "Heathers" and I thought Christian Slater was the true star of that one.

Arresting officers said it wasn't a tough case to crack. Ryder walked into the store weighing 60 lbs and left weighing 180. Upon inspection she had $5,000 worth of shoplifted layers of clothing on her body.

How the hell do you find the balls to steal $5,000 worth of clothing? Granted, she's all hopped up on the pills ... and Saks Fifth Avenue probably charges $3,000 for a bra ... but still ... think of all the poor Hollywood producers' wives whose breasts are going unsupported because of your skinny little penchant to steal bras.

And you know...I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE WAS STEALING BRAS!! I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here!

I don't think she'd steal a mink coat or a big Southern Belle plantation dress with a petticoat. I'm using "bras" here because, with her bony little frame, a bra that would fit her would probably be the smallest thing to conceal. I'm guessing the size of your normal cotton wrist band.

Anyway, say a little prayer tonight for Winona that she beats this addiction to shoplifting and pain pills. She's too great a talent to be wasted on such frivolties as hard time in prison. Or be wasted on amphetamines.

When I was a kid, I was pretty big into shoplifting myself.

I'm talking when I was five or so though. I kinda outgrew it by the time I was six.

I remember stealing a comic book from the Rexall Drug Store in our tiny farm town of Elmwood, Illinois. The comic book rack was right near the front door, and every day for a few days, I would go into that drug store and stare at this one Archie comic book that I really, REALLY needed.

Still...I never had the 12 cents to buy it. Twelve cents was hard to come by when you were five in a small farm town. There were no perverts in town to pay you to pose for pictures in your underwear. Crack hadn't been invented yet so I couldn't sell crack on the one street corner of the sleepy little burg. And I hadn't yet perfected my gigolo skills which later earned me several thousand dollars and the adulation of several young hotties.

So, as you can plainly see ... I had no choice but to steal it.

I remember looking at the comic book and looking around the store to see if I was being watched. Naturally, I wasn't. I was five for God's sakes. It's not like I was about to pull out an Uzi and start blowing Milk of Magnesia bottles off the shelves.

I shoved the comic under my jacket, abruptly left the store and pedaled my bike all the way home to read my new dirty treasure.

Somehow, and I don't really remember how, but my parents found out about it. I was such a backward kid, I probably told them. Anyway, I had to go back to the store with my mother in tow and sheepishly give the comic book back. I remember the pharmacist smiled and thanked me for my honesty and I remember wanting to cry because I didn't know what honesty was. Had I known, I doubt I woulda stolen the comic.

This wasn't the end to my life in crime.

Me and my friends were in the Dime Store next door one time and the biggest of my friends suggested we all steal some candy and go behind the store and eat it.

No skin off my back. I've got that innocent little five year old face that store owners love. If I get caught afterwards, I'll just vomit as much of the candy up as I can and everyone will be happy because then I will have been "honest".

I remember stealing that candy with ease. I'm pretty sure I grabbed a handful of Pixy Stix, since I had a sugar jones going at the time.

My cousin David didn't steal anything because he had a wimpy little shit conscience about it.

Ha! What a loser!

So I shared my Pixy Stix with him and made a mental note to never bring him on another crime spree again.

That was pretty much the end of my days in the Elmwood Junior Mafia. I lost a book on Bats that I had checked out of my classroom library in the third grade and when nobody was looking, I removed the index card that said I was the last person to check the book out from the little plastic index card holder in the teacher's desk and tore it up. That was a pretty ingenius plan on my account. I lost the book, destroyed the evidence that said I had the book and nobody would ever miss the book from then on.

A few days later, somebody found the book in the town park and returned it. The teacher went to look for the card and it was gone. Since she couldn't remember who had checked the book out without the card, she just made a new card and then kept her eye peeled on a few of us delinquents for the rest of the year.

I was an angel for the rest of the year.

I've been good ever since then.

Oh sure...the occasional torturing of God's creatures. But other than that, I've pretty much redeemed myself for my life of crime.

Sooo...we now have a video tape that leaves no doubt that Osama bin Laden is behind the September 11th tragedy.

Did we really need this tape?

Hadn't most of us made up our minds when he admitted he did it?

I did anyway.

So on this tape he says that the death toll was much higher than he expected and this made him feel good. Bless Allah for that one.

The hijackers didn't know they were going to die until moments before they got on the plane. Way to go Allah.

His buddies had a dream about planes slamming into a tall building and that's pretty much what made up their minds to do it. Whoooohoooo Allah! You the man!

America is full of capitalistic swine and we all deserve to die because we bathe and shave. Once again, mad props and a special shout-out to Allah for keepin' it real.

Then today, if the media is to be believed, bin Laden is surrounded by the enemy who are closing in on him at alarming rates.

Yo ... Allah. What up wi' dis? Why you be frontin' me, Allah? I'm your boy. You tell me to keep my women quiet, stupid and pregnant and I did it. You tell me to kill Americans in your name because you don't like 'em ... I'm all over that shit. You tell me to train my soldiers so they work their way up to killing themselves in your name and you've got a shitload of virgins waiting for them up in Allahville and I comply, esai. So whaddap Allah? Where you at now as the evil Americans are preppin' to fill my ass up with cement and make me eat dynamite? Allah ... babe....Osama here...can you get back to me soon? I've got a bayonet pointed at my temple and I could use a little advice now.

Rot in hell, you evil bastard.

In more pleasant news, a horrible accident in the rain yesterday left a car plowed into a transformer which cut the power off in our entire office building resulting in everyone getting to leave a half hour early.


One man's misfortune is another man's joy. Especially when we're talking about leaving work early.

That lazy assed whiny bastard Brandon was kicked out of "Survivor" last night.

You know, rather than focus on Brandon's negatives, I'd like to remember the positive aspects of his stay in Africa.


Shit. I guess there were none. He was a bitchy little fruitcake who's lucky to have gotten out of there with all his teeth intact. Because if I had to be his tribemate for longer than 30 minutes, I woulda been pounding his skull into the nearest tree saying "Lift a finger, LIFT ONE GODDAMNED FINGER TO HELP AROUND HERE!!!"

Mincing little monkey.

Edweird is overjoyed because he hated Brandon worse than I did.

He called me last night immediately following the tribal council, yelling like a drunken frat boy.

"HE'S GOOOOOOOONE!!!" he screamed into the phone.

Edweird claimed that he was going to stop watching the show once Brandon was kicked off.

He's now retracted that statement and plans on watching it for a few more weeks.

I got the boy addicted to it.

I'm his Survivor Pimp.

That's it...I've got a newspaper to read and a kid to go make funny faces at.

Peace out.

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