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05:15 a.m. - 2001-03-28

I ... UHHHH....I WON

The taste of victory is bittersweet.

Kinda like baking chocolate dipped in mustard.

So...thanks to you goobers ... I won the award for Favorite Personality in Diaryland.

So why does my heart feel so bad?

Is it because I totally trashed a fine young man to do so?

Yeah. That's probably got something to do with it.

If this contest did nothing else, it gave me the opportunity to read a diarist that I had never read before ... Plume, who is not only a talented writer, but an amusing one as well. I read several of his past entries and he's one of those guys that you really wish you'd known about at an earlier stage and grew with him in his diary, rather than having to go back and read every stinking entry in one sitting.

He's a good guy. I suggest you all start reading the bastard.

Which made me think...Diaryland has what?? A million people now???

How many of them are out there, writing some fantastic stuff that we just haven't stumbled across yet?

I'll be honest ... I read very few diaries anymore. I just don't have the time like I used to.

And even though I like Quoted, I usually just read the quotes and don't go check out the actual diaries, because I figure I've gotten the meat of the entry all in one tidy little quote.

There has to be a better way to find good diaries out there.

Anyway, from the bottom of my heart and the top of my lungs...thanks to all those who voted for me. As I've stated before, when I started on Diaryland, I didn't think I stood a chance at being accepted because I was soooo far out of the actual demographic that the site was striving to achieve.

This all started as a joke, peeps.

And now...this award.

Jerome ... get my crown and robe. I'm goin' out tonight!

(That was a reference to my good friend Morris Day, lead singer for the Time. You youngun's wouldn't get it.)

God...I look at that picture of me and Morris...that was right after I had lost 50 lbs and my shirt is just HANGING off of me. I look sickly.

Oh. And the picture looks like shit because I tried to blow it up.

You DO know that if you ever want to see several pictures of me in strange situations, you can click here...right???

I mean...the pictures are two years old at LEAST...because I haven't really updated that site at all. But ... you know...they're still there.


Yesterday was a long day.

Mainly because the boss got a LEETLE too drunk a LEETLE too early in the day.

He started getting gruff with me about 4 p.m.

One situation would be a little too hard to explain, so I won't even try here.

The other situation ... he told me he had a story for the front page. A story we've had since December that has never ran.

Okay, I said. That's fine. It's not a timely story, it was a story written by a friend of his about a trip to Mexico or something.

So about 5:00 he tells me we've already ran the Mexico story and he needs something else to put in its place.

No...we have NOT ran the Mexico story.

He SWEARS we ran the Mexico story about four weeks ago.

I explain to him that when a story has ran, I eliminate it from our story files on the computer.

"Well," he says. "We ran it."

I really don't feel like arguing with the drunk bastard. But I also know I have NOTHING else to put in its place.

"Bob," I say. "The reason you think it's ran is because it's been around since December and you've seen it dozens of times since then. We were GOING to run it about four weeks ago, but you found something else to put in its place."

"We ran it," he says gruffly and goes back to his computer.

I came THISCLOSE to strangling him.

The only story I had that wasn't running was a story on the local AIDS organization.

My boss HATES any story on this organization. I have a feeling that he's a homophobe.

Which puzzles me. Because he's told us all a story about when he was in college "all his friends" would go up to this hill where a gay guy would be waiting for them. The gay guy would pay each of the college students ten dollars to suck them off. So he'd have a fistful of ten dollar bills and a line of college students, waiting to get their peckers slobbered on.

The boss stresses that this made NONE of them gay, because they were getting their dicks sucked for money ... not for pleasure. And college students back in the 50s needed money desperately.

We asked him if he ever got in line and he got all flustered.

"Hell no!" he said, jumping out of his chair, turning beet red and looking all panicked. "Not me!"

Then he'd leave the room quickly.

Ummmm...sure boss. Whatever you say.

So anyway, I found some picture of some guy winning an award and said "Here you go."

He was happy for that.

...And I put the AIDS story on page 8 where he wouldn't find it.

Damned drunken bastard.

I had the Jared Special at Subway yesterday.

A veggie sandwich. Three grams of fat ... 200+ calories.

It was about as tasty as Grandpa's ass.

Now I know why Jared lost all that weight. Fucker starved himself.

We're kinda concerned because Andy has yet to actually laugh.

He's smiled a billion times. And twice he made a sound while he was smiling.

But no laughs.

Maybe he doesn't find anything amusing enough to laugh about.

I've tried everything. Schwartzenegger impressions. Donald Duck impressions. Slipping on a bar of soap in the shower and busting my ass on the side of the tub.


We watched the Chris Rock HBO special last night together.

He sat there stonefaced, staring at the TV.

Babies should be laughing by the time they're four months old.

He'll be five months old on Monday.

I'll tell ya what...if I've fathered a serious baby ... we're going to have a little problem relating to each other.

Anybody got any suggestions on how to get your baby to lighten up a bit?

You know...short of a lobotomy?

That's about it from here. Andy's sitting behind me, cooing at "Roly Poly Olie" on Disney. He's not laughing...just cooing.

Then again...Roly Poly Olie is about as funny as a brain injury. Which might explain why Andy's not laughing. And his cooing sounds like he's saying "Daddy, can you hand me the remote control please?"

Once again, thanks to all those who voted for me yesterday. It meant a lot.

I still feel strange being rewarded for this crap.

But hey ... I'll be damned if I'm giving it away.



Check out Plume. Tell him Uncle Bob sent ya.


STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN: "Riviera Paradise"

I'm not a big Stevie Ray fan ... but this song is soooo relaxing. Kinda bluesy, kinda jazzy. An almost nine-minute instrumental. It's a must for any hard drive.


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