AMERICAN BEAUTY ...LIVE!!!

Ahhhhh...Saturday....

I'm really starting to wish we had never gotten pregnant. Because Saturdays are no longer my "lay around the house and do impressions of furniture" days. They're now "Get ready for the baby" days.

Damned baby. It had BETTER be worth all the trouble we're going through. It had BETTER always mind me and ALWAYS do what I tell it to, because I'm giving up my Saturdays over here for it...

Damned baby ...

Anywhooo...today is "Clean Out Closets And Get Ready For The Yard Sale" Day.

Damned, damned baby.

As it stands now, we've had boxes full of junk strategically positioned all over the house for months in preparation for this stupid yard sale.

And today we fill up more.

Arrrrgh.

Yesterday was a fun day.

The first thing I did was go to a press conference where Milk Bone had bought our local police department a new police dog.

I was a little hesitant on going, because I smoked a joint back in February and I didn't know if the police dogs would still be able to smell it on me and attack me like I was Tupac wielding a sawed-off shotgun in a cop's face.

Alas, they didn't. But don't think I wasn't sweating it out either. Every time a dog even looked at me, I smiled nervously and slowly backed away from it.

I got to talk to my buddy, our Mayor while I was there. He asked me how his bodyguards Lester and Willie were doing.

I told him I haven't seen them in months and think they might have skipped town over a hefty bar tab.

It's so cool when the mayor of your city cuts up with you.

So anyway...these police dogs had a demonstration where they attacked the shit out of some of the younger cops who were pretending to be bad guys.

It was pretty amusing. Of course, I was standing there hollering "GET 'IM!! GET 'IM!!" when I wasn't chuckling madly.

...The police chief wasn't amused.

Ordered Mom some flowers for Mother's Day. At first, the florist said they probably wouldn't be delivered on time because they were living out of state.

This infuriated me. I almost cursed.

Instead, I calmly explained that I would come down to the florist and bash them over the head repeatedly with the biggest vase I could find if they didn't take care of my mama.

So they agreed to get her a bouquet up there today.

Something tells me it will be a bouquet of thistles. But you take what you can get when you wait until the last minute for this shit.

Came home yesterday afternoon and mowed the yard. Apparently, our next door neighbor has gone out of town and there's a teenage girl watching the house for her.

The girl stepped outside once to get something out of her car.

It was "American Beauty 2" in living color all of a sudden.

She was a knockout. She had no business being a teenager.

I'm no perv. Hell, I can barely get it up anymore.

But I appreciate a pretty woman. I don't care if she's 17 or 70, every time I see a pretty woman I thank God for giving me something new to look at.

Gawk at.

Stare at.

Whatever.

Anyway...Joe "Sweaty, fat and bald" Cool played it oh, so cool and just kept mowing the yard, pretending to be oblivious to the dynamite babe 20 yards away.

Like I could do anything anyway. I'm married, old enough to be her dad, and not prepared to go to prison for a piece of jailbait ass.

Maybe she's not jailbait. She COULD be 18.

Pschaw. Quit thinking such impure thoughts, U.B.

The Mrs. and I went to Sommer's Place for dinner last night. It's a little fancy place with cloth napkins and employees who don't wear paper hats, so Susie thinks we're high class when we eat there.

She had lobster and prime rib.

I had blackened prime rib.

Some restaurants know how to blacken their beef.

Sommer's Place knew to toss about a pound and a half of pepper on the prime rib and hope for the best.

It was okay, but I've had better.

We then went shopping for a gift for my boy Eddie Lavoie's 30th birthday party tonight. The invitation said "Gag Gifts Welcome" but Eddie is sooooo not a gag gift kinda guy. I just couldn't imagine him opening a gag gift and having the proper reaction.

Which would be a smile.

So I got him something I think he'll like instead. Nothin' special, but I don't need to mention it here, since he does read the diary on occassion.

Then we came home and watched "American Beauty", since I was kinda obsessed with it ever since I had mowed the yard.

I still like the movie. Susie hadn't seen it and I don't think she got the same feeling out of it that I did.

Y'see ... I had a mid-life crisis two years ago.

I'd go into detail about it but ... there's some incriminating stuff there.

Stuff you have no business knowing.

Trust me.

So...tonight's the birthday bash. I've gotta make some CDs to take over there for entertainment, since Eddie only listens to Slipknot, Godsmack and early Metallica.

And those just aren't too appropriate for a birthday party.

"Happy Birthday!! Kill Your Mother!!!"

See???

It just doesn't work.

Have a great day. Thanks for reading this malarkey.

You...my friend...RAWK!!!