THIS DIARY IS ASS, MAN

You know...there's nothing like waking up to your dog vomiting on your side of the bed and you hurry up and jump out of bed only to step into a pile of dog vomit that is highlighted by slivers of ham bone in it.

So much for thinking the dog needed a ham bone. She wolfed it down yesterday like a starving Ethiopian ...puked it up just now like ... just now like...just now like...shit...she puked it up like a dog with an upset stomach because her stupid owner thought she needed a greasy ham bone to make her day.

Sorry. My metaphor bank isn't open for business yet.

Sooooooo...y'know ... I don't think I've EVER been more proud of a diary entry than my entry yesterday.

It was quite possibly one of the most offensive, juvenile, disgusting entries I've ever done.

ANNNND it only took me about 15 minutes to do.

Now then...a lot of you may have read it or are reading it in a few minutes and may be confused as to why I'm so goshdarned proud of it.

Well...ummmmm...y'see...it's a parody of sorts.

Since this was Susie's first year as an official Mother for Mother's Day...she was bombarded with emails, all with this same goofy message that I've now posted in my Message Board so you can see what exactly I was parodying.

Aren't I just an amazing little parodist?

(Bob crosses his ankles, rolls his eyes upwards, lifts his pinky to his pursed lips and blushes)

Actually ... and I DON'T need reassurance here ... I know it's one of the tackiest, most disturbing things I've done here.

But...sometimes I've just gotta be me.

Had a pretty non-eventful weekend.

Spent ten hours of the weekend helping a guy at church prepare Mother's Day dinner for 130 people. That was about as fun as catching a brick with your forehead.

Actually, I enjoyed it, except for the fact that I was on my feet standing still for most of those ten hours, chopping onions, strawberries, cucumbers, squash, and tomatoes. I spent two hours slicing up two 25-lb. hams. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of ham out of your hands?

It's pretty damned hard, Missy.

You know...in case you were really wondering and all.

I spent four hours on Saturday night at church, working from 6-10 p.m. and then went back at 7 a.m. on Sunday and worked until 1 p.m.

All the mothers were very appreciative and I DID get a sense of accomplishment and pride in a job well done. Which is its own reward since there wasn't any money involved.

But damn...was I ever tired yesterday when we got home. My feet hurt, I could barely stay awake and I smelled like ham all the way to my elbow.

Brought home four bones for the dog and gave her one of them, which is why I woke up to the sensual sounds of heaving dog at 4:45 a.m.

Hang on...gotta go wake the Mrs....

........

.....Alright...she's stirring now. I'll have to go back in ten minutes with a more serious voice..."DON'T oversleep, Susan!"

...When I call her Susan, she knows I'm serious and that it's really time to get up.

I guess I could always get down on all fours and start puking up ham bones to get her attention fast.

Man...so last night I'm trying to find some MP3s for a friend of mine who's doing a 50 year anniversary party for two old decrepit souls who are half human, half dust.

Now THAT was a bitch to do. Find MP3s of people like Eddie Fisher, Roger Whittaker and Al Martino.

Most MP3 users aren't really into Al Martino, in case you ever wondered.

Of course...I used Audio Galaxy, because it positively rules as the best place to find MP3s.

But for the hell of it, I thought I'd try Napster.

Man.

I feel sorry for Shawn Fanning. Because Napster has seriously gone downhill in a hurry.

Every single thing I looked up came back with "No matching entries found".

That poor guy. He came up with the whole concept of MP3 trading over the 'net and now he can't do it while others can and do.

Thanks for being an innovator, Shawn. Sorry your ass is in a sling over it and everyone else is reaping your benefits.

Love ya, man.

Anyway...believe it or notAudio Galaxy HAD just about all the songs that these old people were looking for.

Try it, you'll like it.

We went to Applebee's Saturday night before we went to church and had the absolute WORST service ever.

It took 15 minutes to get a table because two of the waiters/waitresses didn't show up for work so they had two sections closed off.

Shitloads of empty tables ... 15 minute wait.

THEN...it took forever for our dipshit waiter to come by. After sitting and waiting for 15 minutes, we had already perused the menu and decided what we wanted. Plus we were kinda in a hurry because I had to be at the church in 45 minutes, as it was now 5:15.

So the waiter comes by and takes our drink order. I mention that we already know what we want to eat and he says he'll turn in our drink order first THEN take our meal order.

Oh. I'm sorry, Herr Hitler. Didn't mean to bombard you with so much information this early in our relationship.

So five minutes later, he finds the time to bring us a glass of water and a Coke.

We give him our order. Very simple. Two Bourbon Street steaks...one medium...one medium rare.

Cool.

It was 35 minutes until we got our steaks. Keep in mind...the restaurant was only about three-quarters full. I haven't waited 35 minutes for anything in a restaurant ever.

When he brings the steaks out, it's 5:50. We have five minutes to eat our meal and five minutes to get to the church.

Granted...we COULD have been late to church. But that's not my style. I've got a real hangup about being on time if at all possible. That's just my deal. I'm punctual. There's worse traits to have in my opinion.

When the steaks come out, they're not sizzling. I've ordered enough Bourbon Street steaks to know that these bastards should be sizzling on an iron skillet when they're brought to the table. They should be juicy and sizzling.

These were dried out and damned near cold.

Did I bitch about it?

No.

Didn't have time to bitch. Must eat lukewarm steak.

So we're eating them. I'm a fan of the B.S.S. but this one tasted funny.

Susie had never had one and was about to gag. She said hers tasted like armpit.

She nailed it on the head. The steaks tasted like the waiter had been back in the kitchen, stuck a steak under each arm, did a little break dancing, you know...just enough to break a sweat and give the steaks that delicious armpitty flavor. Then they grilled those bastards up, let them sit under a heat lamp for 25 minutes and then brought them to our table.

Here's the suckiest part...

I tipped the guy five bucks. Only because we didn't have time to wait for change because this waiter was soooo slow and unattentive.

I hated doing it. But I wasn't going to wait ten minutes for my change from this crackhead.

So we're never going back to that Applebee's again.

Luckily for us ... we have three Applebee's in town. So two of them are still available for our business.

Yessirree.

Alright now...the wife's up and in the shower, singing some ass song.

I've decided that from here on out, if I don't like something...it's "ass".

"This steak tastes like ass".

"That TV show was ass."

"Have you seen 'The Mummy Returns'?" "No...but I hear it's ass." "Word."

Yep.

I just started me a new little slang term, alright.

My "Ed" recap is up and running at Mighty Big TV.

If you haven't checked the site out lately, it's been revamped, and is easier to get around on now.

I kinda like the old site myself because I'm old myself and am not open to change in my life.

I'm half human, half dust.

I guess I shoulda clarified that when you first started reading this diary.

Anyway...check out MBTV and read the Ed recap and leave me a message on the Ed Forum Board and I'll go ... "Wow...somebody actually left me a message."

Yep.

That's how I'll go alright.

Alright...time to go. The dog's acting strange, walking around in circles.

I think it's time for Hambone #2.