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09:23:17 - 2001-01-23


My God ... I am in bad shape today.

Granted ... my head hasn't crashed through a windshield but I have horrible pain coursing through my body like a bad batch of black tar heroin.

Okay ... first off ... this flu thing that I have FINALLY caught.

I didn't think I was going to get it. I thought I had bucked the odds. Everyone around me has gone through it. Me? I just kept chugging the O.J. and chuckling at all the sickly people.


I feel like death warmed over.

I can't shake the dizziness. Hell...I'm used to it by now. If I close one eye, I'm okay. But if I've got both eyes open and I try to walk, I'm tumbling into tables and shit.

My whole body feels like raw nerve endings. I haven't taken any medication since yesterday afternoon, because I thought it was the medication making me all jittery.

It's 4:19 a.m. I now realize that it wasn't the Comtrex that was making me all Barney's this damned flu.

Amazingly ... I have yet to get really congested. Thank God for small miracles.

ADD TO THIS ... I woke up at 1:15 a.m. in HORRIBLE back pain.

I think I mentioned yesterday that I was in pain from using my Ab-Flex. Today, I have this burning sensation right between my shoulder blades. I can't turn my head without crying out "JESUS, GOD, PLEASE!!! I'M DYING OVER HERE!!!"

Believe me ... I've tried. It just doesn't work.

I laid in bed and tried to adjust my body so I could be in the least amount of pain possible. It took me close to an hour before I realized that there were no comfortable positions to be had when your back is broken.

Currently, I reek of Icy Hot medicated sports cream. It smells like a football player exploded in this room.

I'm freezing even though it's 74 degrees in this house.

I'm miserable.

Oh yeah ... and I'm a COLOSSAL crybaby when it comes to getting sick. I'm a bigger pussy than Garfield when the sniffles set in.

Okay ... so I've convinced you that I didn't feel well ... right??

Soooo...guess who was in charge of the baby all yesterday afternoon?


Mr. "I Shouldn't Be Near The Fucking Baby For The Next Several Days" had to coddle and rock the baby all day yesterday.

Babies can sense stress and tension. Not that I was stressed or tense, but I was doing my damndest to not breathe on the kid while I held him. his eyes...meant I was pissed at him. Because every time I exhaled, I turned away from him.

So he's Major Fussy Pants from noon until 5 p.m. when Mommy got home and took over the duties.

I could tell he was getting sick too. He was congested, his eyes and nose were red, and he kept saying "Dad ... I REALLY feel like shit today."

And I SWEAR to you ... when Susie got home and popped her boob in his mouth, that kid's eyes and nose went back to normal, his breathing was fine and he didn't cry a single tear.

I'm a suckass babysitter when I'm sick.

I'm also not funny at all.

I also have to write a humor column this morning, since Senor Shitty Diapers wouldn't lay down yesterday and let me work.

I also have five years worth of columns stored on a zip disk.

I also think I'm just going to rerun an oldie but goodie this week because the only thing I can think to write about is my overwhelming back pain and dizziness.

...As YOU have already learned ...

I'm cutting this short. I've gotta go back to bed.

I love ya's. I hope none of y'all catch this crap.

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