TOP TEN THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN HAVE SEX WITH POP SINGER BJORK

NUMBER TEN: Let Marilyn Manson and his roadies sodomize me with a stun gun while injecting me with Clorox Bleach.

NUMBER NINE: Attempt Auto-asphyxiation in the food court of the local mall.

NUMBER EIGHT: Accept $20 from a naked and unshaved Danny DeVito to have him cover me from head to toe with his homemade clam chowder while I'm strapped to a chair.

NUMBER SEVEN: Hump a cop's leg while waiting in line to get into Woodstock 2004.

NUMBER SIX: Go in to work tomorrow and call my boss a "big, stinking shithole bucket of fuck" to his face, then light his desk on fire and run out like a little schoolgirl with polio.

NUMBER FIVE: Become Richard Simmons' personal masseuse for the rest of his natural and spiritual life.

NUMBER FOUR: Eat at Taco Bell (*shudder*).

NUMBER THREE: Staple my eyelids open with a staple gun for kicks. (That'd be a pretty good Green Day lyric, if I do say so myself...)

NUMBER TWO: Divulge in print my torrid love affair with Zza Zza Gabor while I served as her pool boy when I was 15 and living in Guatamala on a scholarship to a military school. Oh Zza Zza ... how I miss the odor as the drooping flesh from your flabby thighs were wrapped sloppily around my head like the Sunday Funnies twisted around a five-year-old's impromptu Mother's Day gift ...

(Heheheh ... God, I suck at editing...)

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING I WOULD RATHER DO THEN TO HAVE SEX WITH POP SINGER BJORK ...

.... Jump naked into a dumpster full of broken glass soaked in rubbing alcohol and then had every bodily fluid of the entire population of Texas dumped upon me. But hey ... that's just me.

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If you want to read my OTHER diary when UNCLE BOB was 18 and pitiful , PLUS check out my senior yearbook photo (I'm not gay...but I woulda done me...) CLICK HERE .

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