NEVER GET DRUNK AND BLOW YOUR BUDDY FOR KICKS

JUST UPDATED!!

If you want to read my gal Wendigo's take on our night out on the town the other night, click here.

I'm going to relay a tale that may teach you younger kids a lesson.

...Not that I want the younger kids reading this diary...oh no...far from it. You kids should be doing your homework or playing with your Hello Kitty or Pokemon merchandise ... come back when you're 18.

BUT ... if you're defiant and HAVE to have your daily dose of Uncle Bob, there's no way I can stop you, right??

Okay.

So anyway...this story concerns a local private school here in town.

More specifically, the cheerleading squad. Keep in mind...all this is true, I've heard it from more than one person and currently, it's the quiet talk of the town. My boss' wife teaches at the school and she confirmed it for us.

It seems five cheerleaders got drunk at one of the cheerleader's house recently. As a joke, they decided to take nude digital photos of themselves and email them to some of the football players at their school.

Ha ha ha ha ha!! Whatta joke!!

The girls were so drunk that they started performing "lewd sex acts" on each other.

(My guess? Muff munching)

Somebody kept snapping pictures.

One of the football players who received the photos thought he could make the joke even funnier. So he took one of the pics and put it onto one of the teacher's computer as her desktop picture.

Are we STILL laughing at the joke??

The teacher sees the pic, with all the girls faces in it and reports it.

All hell breaks loose.

Currently, all five cheerleaders have been suspended from school, which I don't really believe in because if cheerleaders want to get drunk, naked and slurp all over each other when they're not on school hours, that's their business.

The boy who put the pic on the teacher's desktop is suspended.

The entire school knows why they were suspended because...oh...here comes the punchline ... the football players emailed the pics to everyone they knew in the school. Some of the boys printed the pics out and were SELLING them to other students.

So picture this ... everyone in school has now seen you naked. They've also seen you perform sex acts on your friends. When your suspension is up, you have to go BACK to school, where people don't HAVE to mentally undress you, you've already been there, done that.

Your PARENTS know all about it and can now say they've seen pictures of their daughter naked and performing sex acts on your friends. They can go to all these ritzy functions that the parents in this particular school go to and hold their head high and say "Yes, my daughter is a cheerleader at Blankety Blank High. And yes, she knows how to munch a muff with the best of them."

Oh.

And all five girls were 15 years old.

Now then class ... what have we learned from our lesson today?

Do NOT get drunk with your friends, whip out a digital camera, get naked, suck your buddy's ass and then send the picture to a boy in the hopes that he might ask you out.

It will backfire every time.

I am SOOOOOOO GLAD that yesterday is now over.

At the newspaper I work for, one of our strongest selling points is that we have an extensive "Society" section of the paper. Where you can read all about what the rich people did this past week. It's full of balls and weddings and parties and functions, blah blah blah.

I've been putting this section together now for about five years or so.

The lady that writes it has been out now for about six weeks. She has cancer, just got over pneumonia and a broken ankle. So she's appointed another lady to take her place until she can come back.

The other lady has been told to have all the stories turned in to me by Monday at 5 p.m.

Tuesday morning at 9 a.m., she calls me.

"My computer just crashed," she said, almost in tears. "I didn't save anything and half of my stories are now gone."

Ohmigod. There was a good chance that our readers wouldn't be able to read about Kitty Van Ripplesnort's latest tea party!!!

We MUST spring into action!!

I told her to take a deep breath and to take her time and just rewrite her stories. I would do everything else first and then we'd worry about her section.

She thanked me and told me she'd have everything to me by noon.

At five motherfucking o'clock, I call this woman and try to be polite when I asked where the fuck these fucking shit ass stories were that she was supposed to have to me at fucking noon.

She said she was finishing the stories up and would have them to me in a few minutes.

This lady is in her 70s. A nice woman, but a bit scatterbrained and slow.

At 6:15, she walks through the door. Apologizing left and right. Ready to write me a check for keeping me there so long.

I told her it was okay. I had just spent the last two hours waiting on her, that's all. I got paid for my time, it wasn't a problem.

BUT!

She was NOT allowed to go home. As I told her, by the time she got home, she'd have to turn around, come back and start proofreading the society section.

So she sat at someone else's desk while I cranked out the pages for her.

And then...OH THEN...I woke up this morning and decided to write about the whole escapade in my diary which meant that I would not only bore and alienate 80% of my audience ... I'd piss off the other 20% for writing about something so boring and stupid.

Heeeeee!!!

GooooOOOOOO me!!!

...I need my own cheerleading squad when I say "GoooooOOOOOOO ME!!" don't you think??

I just wonder where I could get a decent cheerleading squad that would meet my standards?

Hmmm.

I wonder...

I got an eyelash in my eye while I slept last night.

It hurts.

I'm a real wuss when it comes to eyelashes in my eyes.

In case you couldn't tell.

My man Jerry "The King" Lawler walked out of the WWF yesterday.

Me and The King...we go wayyyyy back.

At one of the first wrestling matches that my dad ever took me to, the main event was a six-man street fight that had Jerry Lawler and five other guys that you've never heard of wrestling. All six men went to the ring with their street clothes on. The first team to be stripped down to their underwear lost the match.

Jerry's team lost. And they were stripped to their wrestling tights, not their underwear.

After the match, all the kids in the audience ran to the ring to pick up all the pieces of torn clothing that were left in the ring.

I got a patch of Lawler's pink shirt. That was all that was left by the time I waddled my husky little ass to the ring.

I took that piece of shirt to school for show and tell the next day and told everyone that the piece of shirt came from The Fabulous One Jackie Fargo.

Not Jerry "The King" Lawler.

Why was I embarrassed to admit that it was Lawler's shirt?

Shit man. He was a BAD GUY. I wanted a piece of the GOOD GUY'S shirt.

I kept that swatch of clothing thumbtacked to my bulletin board in my bedroom for several years.

Inside I knew it was Lawler's. Outside I proudly proclaimed it to be Fargo's.

Yes.

At the age of 10, I was already living a horrible lie.

Have I bored you people enough yet?

I'm back on the Afrin nasal spray after almost a week of being off of it.

I can't WAIT for this cold and flu season to be over with.

I found out my local NBC affiliate won't be showing "Ed" until Sunday night at 10:35, so I won't be doing the "Ed" recap for Mighty Big TV.com this week which really sucks crap.

As much as I may whine about writing the recaps, once I sit down and do them, I enjoy them.

BUT...with "Ed" being postponed, that gives me two other things to do.

1)Attend Ash Wednesday services at church tonight and discuss the "Oz" season finale with my preacher, who digs the show as much as me.

2) Catch the series finale of "The Mole" which I got totally absorbed in during its run.

Wheeeeeeee!!!

That's about it...as you can tell, I'm grasping for straws today to fill this space.

Oh! The guy at work, Scott, who took Mattie Gee's place, put my baby Andy's head on Godzilla's body for me to run with my column this week about how quickly Andy has grown.

It turned out pretty good really. I laughed my ass off when I saw it.

Scott's a nice guy...but he's already getting under my skin.

He thinks he knows EVERYBODY in town.

If you're talking about somebody with someone else, he always interupts the conversation with "What's their last name?"

At first I'd tell him. Now I just sigh and say "New Boy, trust me, you DON'T know this person."

He still badgers you until you tell him the last name. Then he sits there for a second and says "I don't know them."

DUH, YOU INTERUPTING MOTHERFUCKER!!

He's the same way with pictures. At the paper, we get a ton of pictures each week that he has to scan in to run in the paper.

He looks at each picture and almost half of them, he'll say "I think I know this person."

It was cute at first. Now it's just fucking annoying as hell.

But...it makes me laugh because he's so damned...I dunno...headstrong that he knows these people.

He's not a bad guy. Just annoying.

We ordered in Chinese yesterday for lunch.

I ordered Mongolian Beef.

He asked me what it tasted like. I told him it was good but a little too "Mongolianey" for my tastes.

It was a joke.

He said "Yeah. I've had that happen before with Chinese food."

It's just a matter of time before I lob a stapler at his head.

I just know it.

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