SOMEBODY HAS MADE THE BOBBER'S DAY

So I'm laying on the couch, whipping some polygon ass on my Play Station when the wife hollers from the computer room.

"SOMEBODY HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!!"

Uh-huh. Unfortunately...it's you, dear.

Nope. Somebody REALLY has a crush on me.

Let me take a moment to gather my wits...

(Bob hops up out of his chair, screams "In Your Face!!" at the computer for no apparent reason, does a little retarded jig, sits back down, smooths his hair down, takes a deep breath and continues)

So...I get this email from Pimpin Cupid at The Spark saying that somebody I know has a crush on ol' Uncle Bob.

...Did I mention my balls got about a third bigger when I read that email??....

I racked my brain, trying to think who the hell woulda taken the time to admit they had a crush on me.

Anyway, in order for me to find out who it is, I had to list a buncha names and emails that I THOUGHT might have a crush on me.

The worst part is...I've lost Heather Locklear's email address.

Then...after I listed EVERYONE I thought may have a crush on me, it tells me if I guessed right or not.

I listed ten women.

None of them turned out to be the culprit.

So now...those ten women are going to get an email saying "somebody has a crush on them".

Ladies...it's me. Uncle Bob. And I gots to say...there's really no reason to get your hopes up. I'm a married man and I don't foresee me travelling halfway across the globe for a piece of ass anytime soon.

Okay...so maybe I have a LITTLE crush on each of you that I listed.

Just a little.

Nothing to write home about.

So...unwad those panties ladies. Even though your email may TELL you that I have a crush on you, what it SHOULD say is

"Uncle Bob wants to see a picture of you naked first."

I hope this clears up any confusion any of you might have.

Then again...go on wi'cha bad se'f....receive the email...list me as a potential crush and when you get an email saying I have a crush on you...go to bed tonight and think of all the lovely times you and I coulda had if you had just met me sooner and admitted this mad crush.

Strolling down the beach in the moonlight.

Sharing a picnic in a field of daisies.

Hanging around outside the welfare office and teasing the crack mamas.

Oh. And while you're laying there, fantasizing about me...tweak those nipples and rub those thighs together.

...After all...we're practically married now...