BOOMER THE STUD AND OTHER HORROR STORIES FROM JUBILEE

Oh My God ...

I'm not sure I still have feet, but if I do ... THEY BE HURTIN' TODAY!!!

Jubilee is now officially over, and I, for one, am ecstatic.

Between my feet, too much sun and a mild dose of heat exhaustion coupled with dehydration, I don't think I coulda taken one more day of walking around on hot city streets and fighting elderly women for shade space under the few trees we have downtown.

Supposedly, it was the most attended Jubilee yet.

...I guess they can thank me for my endless linkage to their website. I'm SURE that's one thing that REALLY helped them out.

(Bob waits for the swelling of his head to go down before he continues)

It was a real blast. I had a great time, other than being physically exhausted from Saturday morning on.

Here's a list of the bands that I saw ...

George Clinton and Parliament-Funkadelic ... watched the whole show....it changed my life.

Joan Jett ... watched the whole show...wasn't that impressed ... Joan has now shaved her head bald and does a whooooole lot of sexual stuff in her act now, which didn't go over well with the families in attendance. Neither did her setlist ... the first three songs were hits: ("Bad Reputation", "Light Of Day", "Do You Wanna Touch Me"), then she played a bunch of obscure songs ("Androgynous", "I Wanna Be Your Dog", "Rough Sex"). The crowd was NOT as into it as I hoped they would be (I'm the one who's been suggesting they get Joan Jett for years in print). But she closed her set with three huge hits ("I Love Rock 'n' Roll", "Crimson and Clover" and "I Hate Myself For Loving You") which made the crowd go as wild as they SHOULD have been all night long.

Sorry for writing so much for Joan. It's here partially for Action_Grrl's benefit and the fact that she's the only artist that I saw sober.

Hank Williams Jr. - Morbid curiosity drew us to this one. Hank seemed a little disoriented and bitched constantly about his contract for the first 15 minutes of his concert. Couldn't tell you what happened after that though.

Los Straitjackets - My God...we laughed our asses off at these guys. They play surf guitar music, all four members wear wrestling masks from Mexico and they have the stiffest, lamest choreography ever. It was a GREAT show.

Kenny Neal - I was pretty ... ummmm...messed up during Kenny Neal. I think he played blues. I'm not really sure.

The Verve Pipe - Amazingly, we walked up right as they were introducing "Freshmen"...the only song I had to hear. It was pretty funny ... as soon as they played that song and it was over ... three-quarters of the crowd walked away from the stage. How disheartening is THAT to a band?? Play that one hit and for five minutes you are the kings of the world while a large crowd sings along with your song. Then, as soon as you launch into the next song ("A song off our new album")you have to stand and watch the crowd leave in droves.

Chubby Carrier and the Bayou Swamp Band - I love Chubby. I've seen him quite a few times. We stayed for about half a song of Chubby's and moved on. It was too hot to be standing still for long (this was still Friday night, when we were spoiled as far as the heat goes...we hadn't dealt with it at that point). Chubby had a smaller crowd than I thought he would, but he was still rocking the house.

So out of 60+ bands, I saw seven.

God bless the Embassy Suites and their air-conditioned suites. Because I'd be dead if I had to stay downstairs in the heat like everyone else.

Alright...time for "Stupid Things That Happened All Weekend".

I mentioned some of these yesterday. There's not many stupid things that were done ... well...there were PLENTY of stupid things done. But we were all so drunk, the weekend is pretty much a blur.

* Apparently ... the fact that I, a 6'3" 250 lb. man would DARE to wear the most feminine hat in the city and a pair of mirror John Lennon shades throughout the entire Parliament concert was one of the most disturbing images seen this year. My buds were telling me yesterday how all the black people were staring at the crazy white boy getting his big, fat groove on at the funkiest concert ever. My buddy Jamie said he was following me through the crowd at one point, and a group of kids called me a "freak".

I pointed out, in ironic fashion, that there was a man onstage playing a guitar and wearing nothing more than a diaper and a pair of combat boots.

...Yet "I" am the freak here.

***************

* I gave some underaged kids sips off my beer. They seemed clean cut ... it was the least I could do. I know it was a bad thing, and I'll probably go to hell for it ... but dammit...for a split second, I WAS Uncle Bob...the coolest guy nearing 40 in the world.

***************

* We got in an elevator after Parliament and some college boys were in there.

"Have y'all been partying," one kid asked.

"You got any weed," I asked back.

His friends snorted and shuffled. "No," he said to me.

I said "Well, I guess we're smoking HIS then", reached into my buddy's shirt pocket, and pulled out a hand rolled cigarette (Hey...we're in Alabama).

I slowly went to light in, and my buddy yanked the cigarette out of my hands and quickly put it back in his shirt pocket, pretending like the preceding situation didn't really happen.

Those boys almost shit a brick. We had to fight them off like the Backstreet Boys have to strong arm 13 year-old girls.

"What room you in?? What room you in??"

Doors close to dead silence.

Heh.

***************

* A hotel manager asked Mattie Gee and I if we were part of the Beach Boys. I quickly answered "Yes" and broke into a really bad, drunken, off key version of "Surfin USA", while Mattie Gee blurted out the chorus to "Good Vibrations" in equally raspy and hoarse tones.

She shook our hands and I introduced us as "Dennis and Carl Wilson".

Both Carl and Dennis Wilson are former members of the Beach Boys.

They are currently deceased.

***************

* I climbed into bed with my buddy Jamie's new girlfriend Stephanie while Stephanie read my newspaper column. We laid together, entwined under the sheets while she read (slowly) and giggled. I kissed her neck as she read and her boyfriend stood over the bed fuming.

Hey...I'm Uncle Bob. I can get away with such tomfoolery as that.

But ... then again...we were fully clothed, so no spermies were exchanged or anything.

But...I had an odd stain in my undies when I went to bed that night.

I'm kidding.

Wait.

Am I really???

***************

Oh...the next night ... after she and I officially "bonded", it was getting toward the tail end of the party and there were approximately 10 guys just standing around the hotel room, waiting for a group of fine women to knock on the door at the slim chance that we'd be having a party in here.

Jamie and Stephanie walk in. I turned to Stephanie and said "Well. It's about time, Sweetie. We've got ten dicks in here that are in dire need of being sucked. Let's get to work!"

Okay ... probably one of the crudest things I could say to my "new best friend" (her words, not mine).

Yet, as drunk as I was ... I could sense her displeasure with me.

...Mainly because she slapped me across the face.

Anyway, I apologized to her and to the other guys in the room and sadly proclaimed "It looks like the only one getting his dick sucked will be Jamie tonight".

...That pissed her off even more.

I made up for it. We cuddled in bed some more, while Jamie tried to get rid of me. I think I have her convinced that I'm the better man for her, even though I'm married with child on the way.

... I'm bad that way.

***************

I found a kid named "Boomer". I knew his name was Boomer...it was airbrushed on the back of his shirt.

He was maybe 10 years old.

"Boomer," I hollered as he ran past our open door.

The kid was shocked that anyone would know his name, so he stopped and walked back to the door frame where he could see who had just yelled his name.

"Do you remember me," I asked him.

"Kinda," he said.

"Where from," I asked.

"I dunno," he answered.

"I'll tell you Boomer," I slowly began. "You were begging me for my beer in the elevator last night. You were so drunk that you offered me a hundred bucks for my beer. You were blotto, Boomer."

He grinned and nodded his head in agreement ... like "Yep...that was me...the 10 year old drunk kid begging for beers in the elevators."

Boomer had a rep now. And as he quickly found out...a rep is all you need at Jubilee.

Because I saw him holding hands with a young lady yesterday on the balcony.

Boomer the Stud.

***************

Saturday night (my most wild night ... Friday was wild too ... yesterday I had four beers and a Mimosa and that was it. Was sobered up by the end of the night.)

It was about midnight on Saturday night and a group of us were in the glass elevator.

Elevators are hard to get at that hour, so we got on the elevator going up. We're on the 5th floor, there's only 8 floors in the building.

So we're in the elevator and it goes to the 8th floor, THE TOP FLOOR of the hotel and the doors open to a group of college boys.

"Going down?" the guy asks.

"No. Going up," I reply.

"Alright," the guy says and steps back from the doors of the elevator.

The doors close and we all burst out laughing in the elevator. The doors opened back up and we're all laughing in the guy's face.

"I get it," the guy sheepishly said as he and his drunken buddies stepped in.

(See...you CAN'T go "up" past the eighth floor. But the kid wasn't thinking about what floor he was on)

***************

And finally ... somebody pulled the fire alarm switch Saturday night. It was pretty cool. Everyone stood out on the balcony and looked down and hollered and applauded as strobe lights and sirens blared. There was no fire. Not that I know of anyway.

But we DID try to get a chant of "The Roof Is On Fire" going to no avail.

We're old school partiers, ya gots ta understand.

***************

Sooooo much more happened. That's just the crap off the top of my head. A weekend of stupidity. Today, my body aches, I'm exhausted, it took me over an hour to write this and I've GOT TO WALK THE DOOOOOOOGGGG!!!

Hey...have a great Memorial Day. I think I'm cooking chicken on the grill, having a lil' afternoon delight and writing and PROBABLY cleaning up a hotel room.

OH!

We're getting a crib, basinette and other things from a couple who are moving away and don't wanna move these things for their kid, who's now 4 years old.

My God. I'm exhausted.

I don't know how in the HELL I'm going to make it through this day.