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20:05:08 - 2000-03-22



I was going to apologize for not updating sooner this evening...but ya know what...I NEVER PROMISED YOU I'D UPDATE THIS BAD BOY THREE TIMES A DAY, DID I????



That's right...I DIDN'T. apologies needed....none given.....


Heh heh heh.

I'm horrible at keeping secrets.

And I've got a DOOZY of a secret right now...

But I can't tell ya tonite.


It's gonna have to wait.

Yeeeeeeeep. Wild horses couldn't drag this one outta me....

Yeeeeeep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

I will say this much....right now, I've got the biggest shit-eating grin on my face.

AND I will be able to tell you this secret in a month or so.


Okay...let's talk about something else, huh??

Heh heh heh. I WANT to talk about something else. about an actual diary entry??

You know...where I actually detail the boring shit that went on today in hopes that someone out there might say "Hmmm...interesting."

Well...the Orkin man finally showed up today...three fucking weeks late.

I was in my boxers when the doorbell rang, and I was running frantically around the house trying to find some clothes to put on to answer the door.

I answered it, let the guy in and he said "Did I wake you?"

Okay. I didn't use any hair gel, mousse or spray when I got out of the shower this a.m. It was my day off and I didn't feel like gettin' gussied up for the Bug Boy.

Problem is...when I DON'T use something to tame my hair, I look like Keith Richards.

So...yeah...I looked like death warmed over. Still ... no need to ask if I "just woke up".

It's none of your business, Bug Boy, if I just woke up or have been inside the chimney masturbating. Just spray the fucking house and be gone wi'cha bad self.

So I said "Nope...I always look this way", which cracked Bug Boy up. He laughed a little too hard for my liking ... almost like he was doing the patented Bug Boy Suck-Up (TM).

He sprayed the house and left.

I was playing around on Napster earlier and actually downloaded one of Badkitty's MP3s. It's a small world after all, huh?

I said HUH??

Dammit...answer me when I'm talking to you, Diary...

Anyway...the band is Front 242 ... which is a band that I had heard of, but didn't recall hearing. And since I like the techno tunes, I give it a thumbs up. was free for God's sakes...can't beat that.

God bless Napster.

So anyway...I did a Napster search for a song that ... of course...nobody has.

"So You Are A Star" by the Hudson Brothers.

I've never heard of it either.

Anyway...I bought it on cassette tape in 1974.

My God...I bought it 25 years ago.


I knew I still had the tape somewhere, and since I can now put tapes onto CD, I decided to look for the tape today and transfer it to CD, thus preserving its pristine sound quality for years to come.

I found it at the bottom of my closet in an old tape case.

Along with 25 years worth of love letters from various girlfriends over the years.

I'm a sap. I CANNOT bring myself to throw away any of these old letters. Luckily, I married the most understanding woman in the world who doesn't have a jealous bone in her body. Because I know some of my guy friends have had their wives put restrictions on them.

My only restriction?

Don't screw around.

So, I've got about 200 old letters, yet I never read them.

Until today.

God...I found old pictures of shit...I dated this amateur model named Patty. I had been looking for these pictures of her for YEARS. I knew they were somewhere, boxed up with a bunch of other crap.

I found them inside one of her birthday cards she had given me. I had to show Susie today. Even Susie ... who had never seen these pics or met the girl ... said she was beautiful.


In your FACE, WOMAN!!!

Went and hid the SECOND Golden Egg this afternoon with one of our salesmen, Greg.

The way we hid it was pretty cool. have to be fairly discrete when you're hiding something in a public place. Naturally, anyone who sees you is going to think you're planting a bomb. And it doesn't help when you look like me...ball cap, shades, acting real shifty...

So Greg and I took a football and were throwing it back and forth. Greg threw it to me and told me to aim for our hiding place.

I tossed the football dead on the spot.

Greg knelt down to pick up the ball and said "Time out, I've gotta tie my shoes."

He kneels down, takes the egg out of his sock, and hides it in its place.

Verrrrry smooth move.

We trade places and I go near the egg and I casually look to see if I can see it.

Nope. Naked to the invisible eye. Job well done.

I'll tell ya what...I haven't thrown a football in 20 years and when I did ... I was always scared shitless of the balls.

I had a horrible fear of the balls.

Still scared of the balls.

Don't be waving balls in my face.

That shit gives me the heebie jeebies.

Take your balls out of my face, please sir?

Thank you., I was throwing and catching the ball like a pro. It shocked the hell outta me.

I mean...that's WHY I haven't goofed around with a football in 20 years...I sucked and I panicked when the ball would come my way. fear. I caught the ball with ease.

And threw it spiralling in the air like I had practiced for years.

Shit. I seriously think I missed my calling.

Man...has it come to this???

You people will actually sit here and READ about me throwing a football???

My God you kids. Go out and get some a book...ANYTHING!!!!!!


On second thought ... don't. Yer Uncle Bob needs you right here by my side. secret....thanks for getting my mind off it for a few minutes.

I think I'm going to wrap this up, go sit in my recliner and grin my ass off 'til I fall asleep.

I love YOU!!!

The one thinking "I KNOW he's not talking to me".

Yep... YOU!!

Have a great night...see ya in the morning.

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