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4:16 a.m. - 2001-09-05


I woke up at 3:30 a.m. nervous and apprehensive.

Today's my day to go to the doctor and get a check-up...i.e. a finger up the ass.

I'll be the first to admit...I'm not fond of things being jammed up my ass. Least of all, doctor's fingers. I've only had it done once before that I can remember and I believe the experience was filed under "Things I Never Want Done To Myself Ever Ever EVERRRR Again".

I don't begrudge you gay guys, but how the hell do you do it? Here ... I can't stand a finger and you guys take damned near anything up the poop chute. Penises, fingers, fists, cucumbers, sex toys, gerbils, kitchen utensils, bottle rockets, toilet paper cores, telephones, Hot Wheels, beer bottles ... whatever you can look at and say to yourself "I bet THAT would fit" you give it a whirl.

Hey. More power to ya. I'm freaking out over a finger over here.

I have a feeling I know what's going to happen.

My testicles are going to be A-OK. I hope anyway.

But the doctor is going to take one look at me, listen to all my gripes about this hurting and that hurting and say "Fat's time we talked 'diet and exercise'."

I KNOW this.

Last year, I gained over 50 lbs. while my wife was pregnant. You'd think to yourself..." must be TOUGH to gain 50 lbs in a year!"

No sweat, Joan Jett. I did it with ease, my friend.


No exercise. Cokes and candy bars for a wake-up snack. Cokes and candy bars for a mid-morning snack. Cokes and candy bars for mid-afternoon snacks. Ice cream for before bed snack.

It all adds up.

While cleaning house the other day, I ran across some pictures of myself doing various things in 1998 and 1999.

I actually had a neck.

There it was in plain day...Uncle Bob's neck.

To me, I look pretty dorky when skinny. I look pretty repulsive when fat.

So I have to find a happy medium.

I have to become a repulsive dork.

That's my goal. That's what I'm telling the doctor.

"Put me on some sort of diet that will make me a repulsive dork."


He'll probably wave his hands around and say "Poof! You're already a repulsive dork!"


I make light of the situation because I KNOW I can lose the weight. I know I can shed 50 lbs within six months. And I know what I have to do in order to get there.

...I just...don't want to do it.

I have to get up every morning just like I did this morning.

I have to put the leash on the dog and walk for two miles.

I have to come home and have a Slim Fast and a banana.

At lunch, I have to eat a salad. A big salad.

Dinner, I have to eat a chicken breast and veggies.

Fruit for dessert.

And drink water all day long.

That's it. If I do that, I will lose 50 lbs. by April.

I will then have a neck and one chin.

I will then quit waking up in the middle of the night with horrible back pains from having to shift my gut around.

I will have to give up pizza except for once a month. Same with steak. The only candy in the house will be those damned Sweet Escapes candy bars and those will only be allowed in the house on special occasions.

Don't ask me to give up my Cokes. That ain't happening. I can cut back...but you will NEVER be able to get them pried out of my hands, dude. Don't even try.

I will have to walk, through rain or sleet or even snow. I will have to get up early every morning and when I say "early" I mean early. 4 a.m. at the latest.

Now then...what does all this mean to you?

Well...your daily dose of Uncle Bob may have to be altered a bit. see...when I became Uncle Bob, I started putting on the weight.

I quit walking every morning. Rather than walk an hour each morning, I plopped my fat ass down and became Uncle Bob each morning.

And that ass got fatter with each day.

( ass is the only thing that didn't get much bigger. As much weight as I put on, none of it goes to my ass. I still have the ass of a 2 year-old. Go figure)

I'll still find time to be Uncle Bob, I'm sure. But it won't be the same Bob time...same Bob website.

I hope you understand. My health must become more important to me than entertaining you each morning.

You can not begrudge me that.

So anyway...finger up the ass day for me.


I'm giddier than a schoolgirl on crank.

A local deejay sent me a letter that the station received from one Ted Nugent.

For those of you going "Ted who?" ... Ted was the premier rock and roll guitarist in the 1970s.

"Cat Scratch Fever"?

Alright then...Ted is known now for his big mouth and his opinionated ways.

Anyway, the letter was written to defend Ted against his critics, of which he has a lot of.

Once I read the letter I thought..."Geez...I'm quite a bit like ol' Ted these days."

...Except I don't have a gun and don't really ever wanna own a gun. I think they're dangerous and if they were outlawed, then we'd probably have a whole lot less deaths.

Just my opinion and I'm not looking for a debate so exercise your opinions on your own damned websites and don't bother e-mailing me with them.

I leave you this morning with Ted's letter. It's actually pretty interesting and makes quite a few good points.

Hope you enjoy it...Wish me luck with the doctor...I hope I don't faint.


Written by Ted Nugent, the rock singer and hunter/naturalist, upon hearing that California Senators B. Boxer and D. Feinstein denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock Star". This was his response after telling the senators about his past contributions to children's charities and scholarship foundations which have totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!!

I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and naturally, pretty women. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I don't care about appearing compassionate.

I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might.

I think I'm doing better than the homeless.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations.

I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; I just don't feel like everyone else should have to.

I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "is"-ever.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else, while the indigenous people can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.

I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.

I don't hate the rich. I help the poor.

I know wrestling is fake.

I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white,Indian,Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal Democrat with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I want to know exactly which church is it where the "Reverend" Jesse Jackson preaches; and, what exactly is his job function.

I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.

I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child-it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so.

I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller.

I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.

I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American.

But that's tough.

Ted Nugent

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