CAPTAIN DIABETIC WILL KICK YOUR ASS

Heh heh.

First off...thanks to everyone's well wishes yesterday after my disclosure of my new diabetic self. The tips, the encouragement...y'all are great. That's what I like about Diaryland ... it's a great buncha people here who look after each other.

I do want to stress...this whole diabetes thing has NOT gotten me down one bit. I originally went to the doctor to specifically have him put me on a strict diet.

...Well...that and to feel my nuts a bit...

And for him to put me on a diet and say "Stay on it or die"...well...that's a bit TOO strict for my tastes...but I'll take it.

So yesterday...wow.

I cannot put into words just how easy I think this thing's going to be. I hate it because I've always heard about how people "struggle" with diabetes. Maybe I just WANTED to start dieting bad enough that this isn't going to be a struggle.

Luckily, I've got Andy. He's all the reason in the world to want to keep living so I see this diet as being absolutely no sweat.

I left this diary yesterday and had a small bowl of Cheerios with sliced banana on top and a garlic and herb bagel (the tastiest damned thing I've ever put in my mouth that wasn't attached to a female).

I was full.

The whole family then went and took a Saturday morning walk that lasted over an hour. It wore the dog and the baby out. Baby was asleep by the time we got home and the dog almost had to be carried home the last few blocks.

We put the baby down and then Susie and I talked about this "lifestyle change". I think I'm more excited about it than she is. She's planning on going on my diet as well, which is super cool and ultra supportive of her. She wants to lose 30 lbs....some of those are pounds she kinda packed on during pregnancy and is ready to shed. So she ate the same stuff as me.

For lunch, another bagel (sundried tomato...scrumptious!)and two slices of lean chicken breast.

...And a Diet Dr. Pepper.

I never thought, in my wildest dreams, I'd be drinking a diet soft drink. I always thought you'd have a better chance of getting me to wear a Speedo and goggles to work before you saw my ass slurping down a diet drink.

But like they said ("they" being you guys)....Diet Dr. Pepper isn't that bad. Once you get past that sweetener taste that stays with you once you've swallowed the stuff anyway.

About noonish, we had this guy come by...the guy that cut our yard last week...to tear down this old utility shed in our back yard.

This thing has been an eyesore for the last....oh....12 years. It's just a small, rusted out shed with crap in it that has been there since we moved into the house.

Susie's fat, lazy American brother was supposed to come and tear it down and haul it away a few years ago to repay her for some loan she gave him (NOT the $6,000 loan...this was another loan).

Well, suffice to say the fat bastard never kept his end of the bargain.

But this lawn mowing kid said he'd tear it down for $35.

Heh. Be my guest, dude.

So anyway, he shows up by himself yesterday...his partner, Mullet Boy, quit on him.

"Apparently he doesn't need cash," Lawn Mower Boy said.

So I feel bad for the guy. He's going to tear this shed down all by himself.

Did I mention there was a bee's nest inside the shed? I guess that's kinda imparative to the story at this juncture. Yeah...there was a bee's nest inside the shed...Thursday night I went out there with some Raid and sprayed the crap out of it to kill all the bees so that they wouldn't sting Lawn Mower Boy.

So anyway, he gets out there and starts working for about ten minutes when there's a knock on our back door.

"Do you have any wasp spray," he asks. "There's a bunch of wasps back here."

I explain to him that I thought I got them all the other night, but might have missed some. So I gave him some wasp spray and he went back to the back of the yard.

Ten minutes later, he's back.

"DUDE!!" he says "I'VE BEEN STUNG LIKE FIVE TIMES BACK THERE."

He had his shirt off and had red welts all over his stomach.

I felt horrible. I really did.

Apparently we had both missed a wasp's nest that was in a bush near the shed. He hit that nest and had a slew of angry wasps after his ass.

He didn't want to go back up there and finish the job. I thought about slapping his face and calling him a sissy, but then he brought up that he "thought" he was allergic to stings.

I didn't think about it until afterwards but remembered that if you ARE allergic to a bee/wasp sting...you'll know it within a minute of being stung. Because you'll fall on the ground convulsing or something.

So we agreed that he would either come back last night, this morning or tonight.

He didn't come back last night. I sprayed the area again, but still saw a few bees flying around. I think I'm going to have to call Orkin and have one of their guys come out and spray the area and get his ass stung a few times before Lawn Mower Boy can come back and finish the job.

But right now, I've got about half a shed standing and half in a pile on the ground.

I hate to say it, but it looks like recent CNN coverage back there.

Terrorists hit my shed.

That's what it looks like anyway.

So he leaves, and I decide to go to the store and get my whole new grocery menu filled.

I spent more time in the produce department than I would normally spend in the whole store.

And I noticed that Russell Stover and a host of other companies make sugar-free chocolate candy and cookies and stuff. I'm going to ask my dietician about them, and if she says that I can eat those then damn...this is going to be no sweat at all.

I spent about $25 less than I normally would have, which was pretty cool and bought a whole buncha stuff that I've never bought before like winter squash and marinated mushrooms and all kindsa cool stuff.

Dinner last night...I was allowed "one cup" of lettuce for my salad.

ONE CUP?!?!?

Guess what kids....one cup fills up a regular bowl. One cup doesn't SOUND like a lot...but it's the regular amount of salad that I would eat. So I had a salad with tomato, two tbsp of low-fat Thousand Island, and a cup of croutons.

Yes...a cup of croutons. That, my friend, is one shitload of croutons. But that's what the menu calls for.

Hell, I was practically full after the salad.

Then I have 3 oz. of chicken, a small ear of corn on the cob and a baked potato with butter and soy sauce. It was my idea to put the soy sauce on there and it was damned tasty with it too. I do believe that soy sauce is my new friend because I can use that freely.

I could have had an apple with dinner, but I forgot to eat it.

And three cups of popcorn with chili powder and Nature's Seasons for an evening snack.

Folks...trust me on this one...I think I ate more yesterday than I've eaten in a while.

But I just ate HEALTHY. I'm STILL not hungry this morning.

This whole diet thing is gonna be a breeze. The only thing I can see getting me down is the monotony of the food.

...Or so I thought.

With a few clicks of the keyboard, I found Diabetic Recipes which gives me a literal assload of recipes to try.

So I'm on top of the world!

I'm KING OF THE WORLD!!!

I'M HIGH BLOOD SUGAR MAN!!! STAND BACK OR I SHALL PEE ON YOU AND BURN YOU WITH MY SUGARY URINE!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Now ... if you'll excuse me...I have a Diet Dr. Pepper and a Sundried Tomato bagel waiting on me.

And then a two mile walk.

Wheeeeee!!!