Uncle Bob walks the walk and talks the talk. When he says "Hey...if you're under 18, you may not find Bob all that interesting", he's being sincere. I talk about things like doing your taxes and how to balance a fixed rate on your mortgage so that the IRS will accept the current ratio given by stockholders nationwide. Oh ... who the fuck am I kidding?? I don't even know how to fill out a check properly. I'm a loser who talks a lotta shit. If you want in on the action, fine. If not, hit the trail, Alfalfa, we'll pick you up on the way back.

EVEN MORE CELEBRITIES WHOSE LIVES I HAVE ENRICHED

Alright...after I did my last entry a few weeks ago about some of the celebrities I've met, I started thinking, "Shit, I've met a whole lot more than that." Those were just the ones I had pictures taken with. Here's some more celebrities that I've crossed paths with at one time in my life. NONE of these celebrities would remember me...TRUST me. This all happened long ago, and I was just around at the time.

*JOHNNY CASH: When I was about 11, we lived in Hendersonville, Tennessee, which is where Johnny lives. He had this HUGE mansion on the lake and anytime anyone came to visit us from out of town, we took them to "Johnny's house".

One day we drove up there with my grandfather, and Johnny and his son, John Carter Cash pull up and say hi.

My grandfather was a huge fan of Johnny's. He ran over and shook Johnny's hand and talked to him for five minutes. It's all my grandfather could talk about the rest of his stay with us. He died the next year, and I still think it was classy of Johnny Cash to take the time to make an old man's day.

* JOAN JETT: Okay ... here's where I blow the roof off the joint ... Joan Jett is gay.

Yup. Saw it with my own two eyes.

I mentioned that I used to work concert security in 1981-82. Joan Jett was opening for a band called The Bus Boys (Big Hit: "The Boys Are Back In Town"---it was the theme song in "48 Hours" with Eddie Murphy). Backstage, one of the student organizers of the concert was talking to Joan Jett and invited her to a party a few blocks from the auditorium. Joan said she'd try to make it. This was RIGHT before "I Love Rock n Roll" made it big.

Anyway...a bunch of us students who had worked on putting the concert together were at this party that was packed. When suddenly, Joan Jett and her guitar player showed up at the party, standing out like sore thumbs. The party took on a massive "cool" status at this point.

Joan stayed MAYBE five minutes. Long enough to get two SKANKY female art students that I didn't know, and the four of them walked out, Joan with one on each arm and the guitar player bringing up the rear.

That was one wild assed party.

* EDDIE AND ALEX VAN HALEN: It was 1982 and Van Halen were in town to play a concert the following night. I was at the World's Fair in Knoxville (where all my concert stories happened)with a friend and we were just walking around the fairgrounds when I spotted Alex and Eddie Van Halen.

At the time, Eddie was my God. Everything he did was new and innovative on the guitar and I was amazed by his talent.

So me and my buddy follow the Van Halen brothers around the place at a safe distance so we didn't look like stalkers. They finally ended up in a restaurant, where we grabbed a table across the restaurant so we could keep an eye on them.

The brothers got up and went to the bathroom, I figured this was my big chance so I jumped up and ran in behind them.

When I got in, they were sitting on the window sill of the bathroom, smoking cigarettes and looking down at the festivities below them.

I strolled nonchalantly to a urinal and pissed, my heart racing a mile a minute. I flushed the urinal, swallowed my pride and walked over to the Van Halen brothers and addressed Eddie.

"I just wanted to ask if I could shake your hand," I managed to blurt out.

Eddie sat there for a second and it was the most uncomfortable silence I've ever experienced. Finally, he said "Did you wash your hands after you pissed?"

My heart sunk. HOW FUCKING STUPID OF ME?!?!? WHO meets their God with errant urine spots all over their hands??

I began to turn around and head for the sinks to scrub my hands furiously, but Eddie grinned that huge stoned grin of his, stuck his cigarette in his mouth and said "I'm just fuckin' with ya man" and stuck out his hand. I shook it and remembered how huge it was (his hand ... you pervs).

I went ahead and shook Alex's hand too. Since he was the brother of my God. Plus I didn't want him feeling left out.

* THE B-52S: Concert Security, Knoxville, 1982. The B-52s were in a creative slump at this point, and the talk was that the show was going to not be a sell-out. I was hanging around backstage about 5:30 and wandered into the room with all the sandwiches and food.

Two attractive women walked in and said hi. I said hi back. The cuter one asked if I wanted a ham sandwich. It was at that point I looked at her and realized these were the two women from the band...without their wigs and spazzy makeup on. They looked like two normal hot southern women without all that crap on. I declined the ham sandwich, said it was nice to meet them, and left.

That night, the B-52s put on the best concert I've ever seen before and since. I've seen the Stones, KISS, Eagles...all the big names...B-52s had more energy and fun than any of them.

DAVE DAVIES OF THE KINKS: Dave was another guitar God of mine. During their concert, I was to stand in the pit directly in front of Dave to keep anyone from jumping on stage.

During one of Dave's solos, he took his guitar and put it directly over the front row's heads. This one drunk assed guy who had been obnoxious all night long, jumps up to grab at Dave's guitar, hooks his fingers in the strings and practically pulls Dave off the stage.

I panicked. I grabbed two handfuls of the guy's long hair and PULLED.

I guess I had that superhuman strength, but I have to think this guy helped me out too. Regardless, I pulled so hard, I yanked the guy off his feet and over the security rail.

By the time I had him over the rail, there were two other guys there helping me. They escorted him out of there like he had just ran up on a president with a gun. I'm sure the last thing that guy remembers about that concert was a guitar being swung in his direction. The rest had to be a blur.

CORBIN BERNSEN: He played Arnie Becker on "L.A. Law" and nothing of similar magnitude since. He came to town for the grand opening of a Lechmere Home Image store, if that tells you how bad times were for Corbin at this stage. I was covering the event for the newspaper, and I'll never forget how Corbin got up there on the microphone and talked for five minutes about how this store is his favorite department store because of the low prices, etc. And I was thinking..."You fucking cokeheaded idiot. Had you just made some proper business decisions, you wouldn't have to worry about finding the lowest prices on toasters."

Anyway, being media and all, I was allowed to wait inside the store with all the dignitaries while the lowly public had to stand outside the doors and peer inside, hoping to catch a glimpse of Hollywood hero Corbin Bernsen.

I was looking at a Harry Connick CD when a bald guy said "That's a good CD".

Arnie?!?

Corbin had practically shaved his head for some movie role and I didn't even recognize him. He was such a tanned stud on "LA Law" and now he looked like Walter Matthau after a brain tumor operation.

I went ahead and bought the disc (Corbie was right ... it was pretty good), and got an autographed 8 x 10 for my wife, who used to lust after the bastard. I took several pics of him, but I have no idea where they're at. I'll get back to you on that.

Alright...this entry is long enough to piss off Shoshannah, so I think I can call it quits. Be back later on tonite with another mindless entry.

How can I do something daring and crazy that would make Uncle Bob notice me???

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Tell me everything's going to be alright.