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09:22:09 - 2000-08-07


Confession time...

I am a BIG WUSS.

I've got a SERIOUS problem, that is so utterly wussified that it could seriously jeopardize my faux coolness in a few eyes.

I love Roy Orbison.

Okay...I KNOW the man's been dead for like 13 years, so it's not a physical kinda love.

I'm not out humping Roy's corpse, screaming "Oh God!! Oh shit, I LOVE YOU ROY!!!"

It ain't like that.

But I love this man.

Roy Orbison was undoubtedly, the coolest sumbitch that ever walked the face of the earth.

Reasons?? You want REASONS?!?!

Here we go...

A) He was the ugliest rock and roller ever. Bar none. Unless you count that 40 year old guy in N Sync. The one with the beer gut.

B) He had the most beautiful voice in rock and roll EVER.

C) His songs were so heartbreaking. G-damn....SOOOO HEARTBREAKING. And the reason every song his heart is aching and YOU KNOW IT HAS TO BE, because the guy was so ugly, women were probably like "Gee...I would hump ya're a star and all...but even slutty groupies have their morals."

I've got more reasons than there are letters in the alphabet, so we'll stop the reasoning there.

Now comes the wuss part....

I cry nearly every time I see or hear him.

Last night I was flipping the channels and on the Public Television channel...there was Roy.

Singing "Only The Lonely".

And the tears just started flowing. face is all flush just thinking about it now.

Now...some of you are sitting there thinking one of two things....

"What's so sad about the song 'Pretty Woman'?"


"Has Uncle Bob finally had that breakdown we've all been waiting for?"

First off...'Pretty Woman' is a decent song....but it's not my favorite Roy song by far.

Second...this ain't a breakdown. Roy is my one, true weakness.

Flat out...Roy has more tragedy in his life than even Hitler deserved. As if being born severely ugly wasn't enough, his children were killed in a house fire, his wife left him, his popularity faded fast after a number of hits, and he lived in obscurity for a couple of decades.

Then, in the late 80s, his music finally caught on with people. His song "In Dreams" was used prominently in the movie "Blue Velvet", he became one of the Traveling Wilburys and his career started on the road to making him even bigger than he was in the 60s.

And then...just as he started that big comeback...he died.

Life is so unfair.

I could go on and on about Roy (trust me). I grew up in the same town that he lived in. We would go to the grocery store and brush elbows with him in the cereal aisle for God's sakes.

But while growing up, I just thought he was an ugly hasbeen who sang the "Pretty Woman" song. I didn't respect him for what he was.

By the time I DID respect him, I had moved out of that town.

What I would give to see him one more time in the grocery store and tell him how much he meant to me.

...Jesus....somebody pass me a Kleenex...


There. I feel better.

Napster have a mission today. Make your Uncle Bob proud. Here's a few songs I want you to seek out and listen to. There will be a test on these songs, so download them AT ONCE.

"Running Scared"

"Crying" (try to get the one he does with k.d. lang)

"In Dreams"

"Only The Lonely"

If you like those and want more...that's cool. But those four songs are the ESSENTIAL Uncle Bob heartbreakers.

Alright...NOBODY came here to see me boo hoo hoo over a dead and ugly rock star.

Let's move on...




Pip is the only one who didn't take me seriously yesterday when I BEGGED you people NOT to buy my precious little Andrew a gift from Toys R was a classic case of cyber reverse psychology.


Pipster went to the site and bought her darling little nephew a neato gift that Andrew will get years of enjoyment out of, until he finally grows out of Winnie The Pooh.

Pip, you're a doll and an angel. If you were here right now, I'd hug you. And I'd probably grab some of that ass as well, since it's been a while since I hugged a woman who wasn't pregnant.

Thank you.


Well, I take that back. I hugged plenty of women yesterday.

Y'see...I finally took the plunge and became an honest-to-goodness MEMBER of my church.

What? You're shocked?? Shocked that I wasn't ALREADY a member of the church?

Here's the deal, kiddies...I'm the type of person who HATES joining things.


Never joined a fraternity. Never joined a Chess Club. Never joined a country club.

And since I was married in this church, in my eyes, that made me a member.

Uh uh. You gots to JOIN. Make the shit OFFICIAL.

So after years of sitting there, staring at my shoes every time the pastor made the offer for non-members to step forward and join the church, I took the plunge and moseyed to the front of the church.

The grins on people's faces blew me away.

The pastor grinned and shook my hand feverishly.

"It's so good to have you up here," he said with a smile while the congregation sang.

"Yeah well, I figured you were getting tired of making that offer for people to become members each week when I was the only one who wasn't a member," I said.

"Yeah, I guess we can drop that portion out of the services now," he grinned.

He's so cool.

So, he made me solemly swear that I loved God and that I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior.

Then he paddled me with a wooden plank, while I grabbed my ankles and screamed "THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER??"

After that, I had to stand at the entrance to the church and shake every single person's hand as they left. It was actually pretty cool. I had NO IDEA so many of these people read my column each week and already loved me.

Tee hee!

I've always told Susie that everyone seeks religion at their own pace. For decades, church was nothing more than an inconvenience to me.

But lately...hell...this year...I've had SO MANY BLESSINGS in my life (you included!!)that this all had to be the work of a much higher source than just my good luck.

This doesn't mean Uncle Bob is going to change. Uncle Bob's still gonna be a swearing, cantankerous, mean ol' bastard with no pity or sympathy for the stupid things in life.

It's Jim that's changed.

And Jim has welcomed that change with open arms and heart.

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