WHO THE HELL WANTS TO MARRY DARVA CONGER?

Ummmmm....did I promise an "award-winning" entry last night in my half-awake mode??

Errrr....I ain't makin' any more promises.

I'm TIIIIIIIIIREEEEEED.

(Uncle Bob plops down on his ass and pokes his bottom lip out, pouting)

Yeah right. Like you give a shit...

So anyway ... IT'S MY DAY OFF!!!

WHOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Here's my agenda for the day ...

1) Finish this award-winning entry.

2) Wait on the Orkin man.

3) Badger the Orkin man into telling me some good sex stories, just so he can leave here feeling dirty, twisted and confused.

4) Call the Vet and ask him what the war was like.

5) Call the other Vet and get some arthritis medicine refilled for my fat and arthritic dog.

6) Check my local listings for a theater near me.

7) And at 3:00 I have to participate in a Rodeo Media Competition. Basically, it's where two members of each radio station, TV, newspaper and magazine in town come out and do silly Rodeo stunts for their "fans" at the Rodeo.

It's always funny when they announce me, because I'm always wedged between the much more recognizable TV news anchors and weather men. It's inevitable ... whenever I'm announced at a media competition, a hush falls over the crowd, save for one little girl who always says "Who is THAT, Mommy?" Then you hear a pin drop, and then you hear the Mommy answer "A scary, scary man, honey. Let's leave right now and go home and pray."

I only do this crap for the money though. Yep ... if you want the media to show up at your event to draw people to the event, you've got to pay them.

A public appearance fee.

Every time I go shopping, I go to one certain mall that gives me everything I want for FREE as long as I shop there and keep a profile there.

Okay ... hold still...I'm about to pull your other leg...this might hurt a bit ...

Shhhh....what was that??? I may be completely off base here...but wasn't that the sound of Banky and Sinnamon having sex???

*cough*

Hey...have you been to Whores yet?? I LOVE IT!! I think it's a great idea and EVERYONE should take advantage of it.

BUT...PEOPLE...remember to link yourself to Whores. Nothing is more frustrating than reading an intriguing paragraph and then have no idea who wrote it or how to read more.

NOW...for the HTML illiterate .... I am going to share with you how to link yourself and others.

A link is simple .... Just cut and paste this ...

(A HREF="http://unclebob.diaryland.com") Uncle Bob(/A)

EXCEPT EXCEPT EXCEPT ... Substitute all the ( and ) with < and > appropriately.

Then just drop that in your text and you have an instant link.

I don't know much about HTML , but I know how to do a link.

Oh yeah...and how to make text blink....

(blink)BLINKING TEXT (/blink)

But WTF...who came here for lessons in HTML???

Just check out "Whores"...if you have any other simple HTML questions, send 'em my way at [email protected].

Awww yeah...a special shoutout to Noizenik who sent me an email the other day to inform me that she was the 5,000th person to visit the Diary o' Fun on Monday. She was such a doll that she even sent me the gif of the counter at 5,000.

She wanted something special. Like a ball cap or something.

Uncle Bob ball caps....hmmmmm...

Anyway ... let's give the kid something better....EVERYBODY go check her page out today....

C'MON!!!!

Follow me!!!

(Uncle Bob trots across the room, motioning for everyone to follow him)

...okay...fine....

She's got a cool diary too....go check her out ...

I just saw "Multi-millionaire Divorcee" Darva Conger on the "Today" show. In the last month, she's lost her brother, had a lumpectomy, was fired from her job and can't find another.

...So now she's contemplating posing for Playboy for a million bucks.

Gee...who'da ever thunk it??