THE DEVIL'S SALAD

So like...for the last three workdays, I've gone to McAllister's Deli for lunch to eat their chili in a bread bowl. It has lean meat, no beans and fills me up big time with no gassy feeling afterwards if you know what I mean and if you don't, I mean abnormal farting.

Ya got me now?

So anyway, today I talk Edweird into going there for lunch and he says something stupid like "You're fucking not fucking going fucking to fucking eat fucking that fucking chili fucking in fucking a fucking bread fucking bowl fucking again, fucking are fucking you?"

Which I was planning on eating the chili in a bread bowl because it's the best damned thing I've eaten in months and I want to eat it every day for lunch until I burn myself out on it and then never eat it again which I doubt seriously would happen because this chili is that damned good.

So I chuckle nervously and say "Nooooo...I'm going to have a salad!"

...But you know...really I wanted the chili in a bread bowl.

So we go and I order the grilled chicken salad, no cheese...honey mustard dressing.

And I'm not sure what the deal is...but it sounds like a thunderstorm in my stomach right now.

I'm sure that if someone walked into my office and started talking to me, at some point during the conversation they'd look out my window and say "Did you just hear thunder?"

Christ.

Screw this salad crap.

I'm sticking with chili in a bread bowl. It's cheaper than a salad too.

I'm in some serious pain. It's not gassy pain ... it's just a rumbling in my tummy pain. I don't have to "make a stinky" (new parent speak) ... I just ... I dunno. I'm in pain.

So after the lunch where I obviously inhaled anthrax or something, we went to the local used CD store to do some browsing.

I walked in and the manager (a friend of mine) says he was just talking about me yesterday and hadn't seen me in a while.

So we're getting caught up on each other's lives...he has a boy about eight months younger than Andrew when he tells me that he and his wife are now expecting TWINS.

To recap:

He already has a seven month old baby.

Now he's expecting twins.

I didn't know what to say so I just said "Man! Give it a rest, Keith!"

...You know...meaning his wife's vagina...

He just said "What can I say? I love kids!"

Uh-huh.

Let's see how much he loves kids when he's got three of them in diapers.

I think he's looney.

I didn't buy anything from him.

Not because he's looney. There just wasn't anything tickling my fancy today.

I'm thinking about getting on the company intercom and pressing my phone receiver up to my stomach in order to make everyone think a hurricane is coming.

Either that or get back to work.

I guess I'll get back to work.