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10:26:30 - 2001-02-16


Okay ... first off ... this new "Buddy List" for Diaryland ... TOTALLY AWESOME.

(Uncle Bob makes the "devil" sign/ "Hook 'Em Horns" sign/ "Heavy Metal Idiot" sign ((holding up his index finger and pinky)) and thrashes his head around)

Way to go Andrew. That must have cost nearly a billion dollars to do.

You da MAN!!

Okay ... it's time for WILD TIME.

Ya know what WILD thing happened to me yesterday?

Well, I'll tell ya, ya little urchin.

I was sitting at the computer, minding my own damned bidness, when I get an email from a Matthew Bourg saying "You Tell Your Uncle Bob You Love Him".

When I get one of those with that subject line, it's because someone sent me an email from this page. That's the automatic subject line when you email me from this page.

Ain't technology wonderful??

So anywhoooo...25 years ago, my best friend's name was Matt Bourg. We both lived in Greece and were like brothers, except at the end of the day we went to different homes to sleep.

Matt is BY FAR the funniest friend I've ever had. In fact, 24 years after we parted, we've only seen each other briefly one other time in 1988, he flew into town to be one of my groomsmen in my wedding on a Friday, I got married on a Saturday and left for my honeymoon Saturday afternoon. I've always kinda felt bad about that ... only seeing him for 24 hours since 1977.


So I open up this email, thinking the chance that it's actually HIM are slim and none.

I mean...this is "Uncle Bob's" site. To the best of my knowledge, my real name has only appeared here maybe once or twice if that much.


The email...

"Hey you bastard. You owe me $20. It took 12 years but I got you now.

Think it's funny? Do ya? Well let me tell you how funny it is.

Three years ago I have a festering boil on the inside of my right thigh the size of a quarter. I go to the doctor to get it lanced or whatever and he tells me I am about $20 short for him to release the pus gate. So I have to settle for his "intern" to do the job. Ends up the guy takes my right testicle and everyone has been calling me "lefty" for three years. Thanks a lot you m****rf****.

So either send the $20 or your right testicle. At least I'm giving you a choice.

Yours Truly,

Lefty "

This is typical Matt humor. Testicles and boils. He's always been fascinated with both.

I email this person back and ask if it's MY Matt Bourg.

Sure as's him.

I am SOOOO overjoyed!!!

I've done internet searches for him several times and they've never come back with anything.

Mainly because he moved out of Alta Loma, California and lives near Laguna Beach now.

He's married now with two kids and owns three hair salons and building his fourth one.

I always knew he was gay.

The wife and kids are a cover. The fascination with hair salons says it all.

Y'all ... this guy ... man...he's just soooo damned funny and it all comes to him naturally.

And even though it's been over 20 years since we were inseperable, right now it feels like yesterday.

We're going to talk on the phone sometime tomorrow for the first time in 12 years. Get caught up on what the hell's been happening.

He still hasn't told me how he found me through Uncle Bob.

Anyway ... it's good to have Matt just a keystroke away now.

I haven't stopped smiling since I got his email.

I love the guy.

Hey Matt!!! Smooches!!!

If you guys haven't checked out Garlic's entry about the Dirty Elbow experiment , do so now.

She took a silly little joke that I posted on the message board recently and actually did it.

I had written "If you REALLY wanna freak somebody out ... go up to people with long sleeves and say "Show me your elbows." They'll say "Why?" and you just say "Do it." See how many times you have to say "Do it" before they show you their elbows. Then when they show you their elbows, say " have scurvey." Then walk away, whistling.

Yep. Freaks 'em out everytime."

Her results are on her page.

It cracked me up anyway.

If anyone else wants to give it a try, post the results on yer page and lemme know, so I can link you too.

The Great American Uncle Bob/Dirty Elbow Experiment.

That's what I plan on calling it.

Okay ... over the last week, I've really been a racist bastard, picking on people left and right because dammit...I'm nearing "Fuck It 40" where I turn 40 and just don't give a shit what anybody thinks of me anymore.

Don't like me? Fuck it.

Think I'm crass? Fuck it.

Wanna tell me how much I suck? Keep it to yourself, you whiny assed windbag.


That said....

Today, I REALLLLLLY get offensive.

You thought I was offensive ain't seen nothing yet.

IFFFF you're easily offended....IFFFF you know that I can go too far sometimes ... IFFFFF you currently have a feminine hygiene product resting in your panties, you may want to just MOVE ON NOW.

That's your fair warning. Because THIS blows them all away.

We will have a countdown. If you're still here when I get to "one"'s your own damned fault. Don't leave me a message telling me how I'm the antichrist, because this time ... you were given warning.






















Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: It's one of those "Evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?

A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a Male chauvinist pig?

A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?

A: They want to.

Q: What does a real man say when a woman asks what's on TV?

A: "Dust"

Sorry. Somebody gave me those yesterday and I couldn't resist.

Let it be known ... I love my wife and didn't write any of that crap.

It's just in response to all the male bashing in this world.

I mean ... c'mon...have you ever heard of "Female bashing"??

Didn't think so.

Have a great weekend, y'all!!!



This song is a fine example of redneck white trash boogie woogie shake your ass music. The first two lines say it all: "It don't matter if your pants are shiny, if your dick is big or your dick is tiny..."

Hell. Now I've gotta go shake my damned ass.


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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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