I'VE GOT YOUR FEAR FACTOR RIGHT HERE, BUDDY

For no real reason ... I can't get that g-damned "Take On Me" by A-ha song outta my head.

This is truly frightening. I never even liked that damned song.

Soooo...yesterday was the cesspool of suck.

I think I told you ... Saturday was spent at the office with former employee Mattie Gee as he basically repaired our computer system so that it would quit crashing.

Uh-huh. I told you.

We didn't call any of the other employees to come up and witness the repairs (even though they specifically DEMANDED that we called them when we got there), because Mattie Gee doesn't really care for these employees (long story).

So it was just the two of us there for about six hours.

Anyway ... on Sunday ... New Boy calls me from the office to tell me his computer won't boot up.

I told him to restart his machine and that everything should be fine. Mattie Gee fixed it on Saturday and everything is perfect with his machine.

He restarts it and still gets nothing.

So he calls Mattie Gee at home.

That was his FIRST mistake. Mattie Gee doesn't like you...DON'T call him at home on a Sunday to talk about your messed-up computer.

So I get to work yesterday and it's pandemonium.

New Boy's computer doesn't work.

My scanner doesn't work.

To make a long story short ... I think New Boy ... in his infinite stupidity ... did something he wasn't supposed to do to the machine (he said he reinstalled the O/S system...computer geek talk for "I just jizzed all over the insides of the machine"), and he screwed up the machines.

BUT ... he is convinced that Mattie Gee did something to screw up the machines.

Okay ... you've got a professional taxi driver and your grandma ... which are you going to trust to navigate you through the streets of New York successfully??

My point exactly. Well ... not exactly ... but close.

Soooo...what's New Boy's solution to this mess??

Go buy a new scanner.

WTF??

It's this guy's answer to EVERYTHING.

We just bought a brand new Imac and a new IBook because he thought THOSE would solve every problem we have.

$3,000 for those two things.

NOW.... he wants a new scanner.

And in our ignorant assistant boss's mind...New boy knows EVERYTHING.

So she goes and gets a new scanner.

Meanwhile, I tinker with the old scanner and lo and behold...it works just fine. But for some reason, it's not reading certain documents.

Long story slightly longer ... everyone I work with is an idiot and I can't WAIT to get out of there.

Looks like I'm going to have to wait.

My potentially new boss called me yesterday and said that the CEO of the company wants to see my resume before I'm hired.

Understandable.

Not so understandable ... my mother-in-law (a professional resume writer) has STILL not finished my resume that I gave her the info on ten days ago.

So until she finishes that, I'm in a holding pattern with the new job.

I just REALLY wanna give my notice now, get out of the hellhole at which I work and go work for a PROFESSIONAL company where things are done right and I don't have to deal with questions like "So...we need new equipment?" every time something goes wrong.

Sheesh.

Is that asking too much? Because if it is ... well...I dunno what happens if it is ... but I WON'T be happy.

Grrrrrrr....

So rather than writing my columns yesterday ... I spent yesterday afternoon typing in crap for other people because the scanner wouldn't recognize their documents.

It looks like the paying subscribers of my newspaper get an oldie but goldie column from years passed.

I think I've re-ran every single column I've ever done at least once. It's getting tougher and tougher to find a column that hasn't been done twice.

That's my challenge for this morning.

Soooo...anybody watch "Fear Factor" last night?

I just about shit my pants just watching the damned thing in the privacy of my home. There's no way in HELL I'd ever want to be on the damned show.

Basically, it's six people competing against each other in challenges for the grand prize of $50,000, each week.

The first challenge was not simple, but it wasn't scary either. You had to be dragged about 100 yards by a horse going about 35 mph.

Lotsa mud. Scraped up arms. That's about it.

The second challenge ... have your arms and legs strapped tightly to your body and put inside a "Rat Pit" with 400 HUGE rats crawling all around you and on top of you.

No fucking thank you. This is where I would have lost.

But not these guys and gals. They had these leather straps wrapped around their chest and legs, were dropped in the pit and then covered with rats who started biting them for a total of four minutes apiece.

Exfuckingcuse me???

People ... had I been there...you would have seen me break a world's record for the largest amount of piss, shit, vomit, tears and snot to ever flow out of a body during a four minute period.

I woulda been screaming for my Mommy as soon as they told me about the challenge.

One guy walked away from it all. He said he lived in New York ... if he wanted to be covered in rats, he'd just go back to his apartment.

My sentiments exactly.

Still ... four of them got in the pit and laid there, letting these foul vermin crawl all over them.

I have now dubbed these people "The Four Stupidest Fuckers In The World".

...Maybe we can find a spot for them at my place of work.

The last challenge ... holy shit ... you're put in a car ... the car is hoisted 150 feet above a river, held by four cables. You have to get out of the car, climb across the hood and retrieve a pink ribbon from the front of the car. THEN...THEN...THEN....climb UP to the trunk of the car (the car was pointed downward), and retrieve a key from the keyhole of the trunk. You THEN have to climb back inside the car, put the key in the ignition, and honk the horn.

Oh. If you fall off the car, you're disqualified.

All together now....DUH.

They were all connected to a cable, so if they fell off the car, they'd just dangle in mid-air.

150 feet above the water.

Oh yeah. And the entire time they were climbing around on this car in mid-air ... they were being doused with a hose to simulate rain and make the car slippery.

Okay ... I have two phobias...rats and heights.

Heights used to not bother me. Now, I can't STAND to be up high. A few years ago, I was forced to ride the ferris wheel at the local fair.

I thought I'd piss myself. Ask Wendigo. She was sitting right across from me, laughing her ass off and taking pictures of me with fear splashed across my face.

Rabble scrabble Wendigo...

Anyway ... the two girls couldn't do much more than climb out on the hood before they freaked the fuck out. My hats off to them, because I woulda been sitting down on the side of the river, knees to my chin and hugging my legs tight, rocking back and forth and muttering "Fucking Fear Factor...Fucking Fear Factor..." like a crazy person.

One guy finally did the entire challenge, honking that horn like a madman when he got back in the car.

I don't know what to think of the show ... but I'll damn sure watch it again.

As you can probably tell...there's not much left for me to say.

With that...adios.