GUESS WHAT?? THE WIFE'S FINALLY PREGNANT!!

Y'know...for the past 4.5 months, you woulda never known my wife was pregnant.

Yesterday ... the flood gates opened.

I busted my ass all day yesterday, starting at 4 a.m. to get home early last night.

I get home at 6:30 p.m.

Wife's not home.

I check the answering machine. Three messages from her friends.

"Are we still on tonight?? Call me!!"

All three messages the same.

Okay...so she's gone out on the town with her friends. No big deal. She's extremely forgetful these days.

I fix a big pot of ravioli to eat and have leftovers for her for lunch today.

7 p.m., the phone rings.

"Hullo," I say in my ultra-sexy and suave voice.

"Oh. You're home," I hear my wife say.

"Uhhhhh....yeah," I say back, all dejected that it wasn't a telemarketer I could seduce.

"Can you....come get me," she said, her voice trembling and cracking.

Okay ladies...time out here...I don't know about MOST men ... but if you call your man, voice all trembling and cracking...we will do damned near ANYTHING to not have to hear that sound.

"What happened," I asked. "Where are you?"

Her radiator hose had burst while driving home in 100+ degree temps. Luckily, she was near the little service station that she takes her car to when it acts up ...which is on the other side of town.

... The bad side of town.

"I'll be right there," I said, stuffing my penis back in my shorts, ejecting the porno tape and running out the door.

(That was a joke, kids. I figured the entry needed at least ONE joke and that was it. I'm too old to masturbate. Nothing but dust comes out anyway.)

The trip across town is a 25 minute drive.

I made it in 15.

With her trembling and cracking voice serving as my inspiration the entire way.

Point blank...I HATE my wife's car. If you don't believe me ... it was the topic of my very first entry here in Diaryland. That should tell you how preoccupied I am with that car.

We have money for her to drive something nice. But she's insisted on driving a RUSTED-OUT 1976 Chevy Impala that takes up three-quarters of the driveway for the last eight years.

"It's paid for," has always been her reply to every derogatory comment I've ever lobbed her way about it.

Well...darlin' ... we've finally gotten our money's worth out of it.

I pull up at the gas station and she steps out of the inside office, face all red and puffy.

I'm thinking..."Jesus...she's been bawling her eyes out over a busted radiator hose?!?"

...This is where the whole "pregnancy" issue comes into play.

Ahaaaa....you thought I was gonna leave you hanging with that pregnancy thing at the beginning, didn't ya??

Her hormones were all OVER the place.

And me...being Mr. Stupid pulls up and says EXACTLY the wrong thing to her mechanic buddy.

"Wanna buy a car," I say with a grin, referring to her hunk o' rusted-out shit.

"Take it easy on her," Mr. Backwoods Hillbilly Mechanic Who Has A Crush On My Pregnant Wife And Thinks I'm A Piece Of Shit Who Doesn't Deserve Such A Fine Woman says. "She's had a rough day."

Well...duh, Deliverance Boy. She's driving a piece of shit. My day would suck EVERY day if I had to drive that shit.

She gets in the car, and I was PLANNING on being nice about the whole thing already. I wasn't going to jump her shit and force her to say "My Car's A Piece of Shit" 100 times over and over again.

I was GOING to be nice about it. The whole "Wanna Buy A Car" line was my way of saying "Hello."

(Did I mention that this was the second time in two days that her car's had to go into the shop?? That she had to have the car towed from our house to this service station on Monday morning because her alternator quit?? That her car is (say it with me) A PIECE OF SHIT??)

Susie just started sobbing as soon as she got in the car. Apparently some store manager got ugly with her on the phone near the end of the day ... her car breaks down for the second time in two days...she was missing her party with her friends...

...And her best friend quit work, sold her house and is moving to Memphis.

It was definitly the "best friend" part that had her all gooey-eyed. I kinda understood the best friend part. I'd be upset if my friend was leaving town. But hey...I've got so MANY friends, the pecking order would just find everyone moving up a notch.

Heh.

I tried to console her and remind her of all the blessings she had.

She still had PLENTY of friends.

She had a baby on the way.

She was getting a new mini van soon.

She had me (ahem).

One of her OTHER best friends just adopted a little boy, so our boys are going to grow up together.

I mean...isn't that enough???

Still...she was sad. And as she reminded me...she was pregnant.

After dinner, she pulled her shirt up to show me her swollen belly.

And it seemed like overnight it went from being a lil pooch of a belly to a full sized basketball arena in her belly.

Now...I can finally believe that YES ...my wife is pregnant.

She's fat.

She's crying.

She's moody.

YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

As for me ... we're all out of Cokes this morning, and I'm having to drink that nasty-assed Pepsi shit for my caffeine fix.

...It's enough to make me break down and sob ...