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09:29:31 - 2000-09-04



Labor Day is the day that EVERYONE should have off to reflect on what God means to the working man.

....Or something like that.

Of course ... my ass will be working.

Every year, the boss thinks he's making up for us having to work by bringing us boiled hot dogs that his wife threw together in two minutes.


Labor Day is always kinda a slack day around the office. Since all the businesses are closed, none of the sales people are making sales calls. And I always find myself driving around town taking pictures of people enjoying barbecues, plus I always visit the local Telethon and take pictures behind the scenes.

Same shit every year.

The biggest barbecue in town here is the Greek Barbecue. It's in its 52nd year and people line up in their cars for about a mile to eat this crap.

I've been one of the few people in town to get inside where they cook the barbecue and lemme tell you's some nasty nasty shit.

Flies everywhere. Buzzing around the stacks of smoked pork and chicken.

Old Greek women pulling apart hot chickens with their bare hands while flies fly out of the chicken's asses.

It's true! It's true!

I ate that barbecue ONE TIME. And that was before I ever got back there and saw all the flies.

Now, they come up and offer me a plate free and I have a standard answer..."No thank you, I can't ruin my appetite".

No shit. It'd ruin my appetite for a year if I had to shove that shit in my mouth.

But people keep lining up for it and eating it like it's the greatest thing since fly feces smothered day-old pork.

And of course...the telethon.

As I sit here at 5:45 a.m., Marilu Henner is on the Telethon, singing her guts out like millions of people are watching when it's just me and Jerry Lewis.

God bless her.

Oh it's comedian Pat Cooper. This guy's about as funny as a ruptured uterus. He must run in, blow Jerry and then beg to get a juicy slot somewhere on the show in order to keep his career on a downward spiral.

"Sure Pat," Jerry says, stuffing his big pecker back in his pants. "How's 5:50 a.m. sound?"

"It sounds great, Mr. Lewis," Pat answers, dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a handkerchief.

And now...Tony Danza is singing a medley of Italian songs while kids in wheelchairs are staring at him dumbfounded.

I have a theory about Tony Danza. He does WAY too much cocaine.

It's only a theory, folks. But he's jumping around the stage like Kid Rock belting out "Volare". I think he's scaring the audience. Parents are protecting their children.

I always loved the telethon as a kid. Mom and Dad would let me stay up and watch as much of it as I could.

What I soon found out was that after midnight, the talent level takes a serious dip. Back in the 70s, you'd have David Cassidy on early Sunday evening(who...believe it or not...was the shit back in the day).

By the time it got to be 1 a.m., you'd get Barbara Walters doing a tap dance or Captain Kangaroo playing Solitaire in total silence.

Still, me being the Hollywood Hound, I'd hang in there as long as I could to see who would be next.

And back then, you didn't have all these videos of real people...parents talking about their little kids in wheelchairs.

And the parents breaking down on camera and crying.

Jesus. I can't TELL YOU how many tears I've shed watching these things.

TALENT ALERT: Jerry just announced one of the "best singers in America today" is coming out.


Fatboy Slim???

Celine Dion??????

Nope. Jack Jones.

Christ...this guy is one scary looking fella. Thick white hair and long white sideburns. He looks like George Washington on crack.

Oh good. Jack's singing a medley from "Man of La Mancha." THAT'S what I think of when I think "Best singer in America today".

Man...Jerry sure knows how to hype an act.

Anyway...those little videos they show to break your heart. I don't know who's responsible for those, but that's the most compelling television out there.

WHO can turn down a little kid in a wheelchair with sad music playing behind him as his Dad cries and says he just wants to see his little slugger walk some day??

Not me.

And the end of the telethon...when Jerry...tired as shit and looking like he just gulped down a diarrhea milkshake ...walks to the front of the stage and sings "You'll Never Walk Alone"....

The tears are flowing in the Bob household at that point every single year.

And if the telethon breaks a record, which they do every year, and Jerry can't "finish" the song and walks off mid song and the camera follows him as tears flow down his face...well dammit to hell....TAKE MY PAYCHECK, MDA!!!! TAKE IT!!! I DON'T NEED THIS MONEY!!!! THOSE KIDS DO!!!!

I'm a sucker for the telethon, in case you haven't noticed.

Oh hey...gotta go...the best singer in America today is on...Jamie Lee.

Who the hell is Jamie Lee??



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