DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR BUCHANAN

I want a bumper sticker that says "Don't blame me...I voted for Buchanan".

Of course, it will only be truly funny for the next few weeks until Al Gore finally announces that he's a sore loser and goes ahead and concedes to George Dubbya Bush Jr. and then goes off to hang his head and invent something innovative like the Internet.

Folks...we could barely stand G.W.'s daddy for four years. Just imagine what a terror his son's going to be.

Speaking of sons... (oh, c'mon...you KNEW I was going to work it in somehow ... I'm a patethetically proud papa...deal with it...) ... I do believe I have fathered not only the cutest baby in the world ... but also ... the smartest baby in the world.

I truly think that's why he grimaces so bad like he's gotta take a crap most of the day ... he's just THINKING real hard...not passing gas.

...Of course ... it's the thinking that makes him fart like an elephant on a strict diet of pork and lion fat drenched in Tabasco sauce.

I'm here to tell you ...the kid's bowels work juuuuuuuuust fine, thankyouverymuch.

This kid has got some amazing farts. Sometimes I just stare at him and just think "My God, boy ... pinch it already."

Keep in mind, these are just LOUD farts ... they don't necessarily stink. And to be honest ... Andrew's shit...it don't stink. It's got some great psychedlic colors in it ... but it doesn't stink.

So my kid's shit doesn't stink. BLEH! Eat me.

But it's not the farting and odor-free feces that makes him so smart ... the kid is actually THINKING non-stop.

He can answer "Yes and No" questions now by giving us a sign. I'll say "Andrewwwwww ... are you hungry?" and he'll sneeze and I'll know that means "Yes, Daddy ... my stomach is a barren desert of hunger. If I don't get fed soon, somebody's getting a baby cap popped in his ass, and that somebody is spelled "Y-O-U-A-N-D-M-O-M".

Of course, sometimes the sign is that he will twitch and convulse at the sound of my voice.

Other times he'll kick his legs rapidly and urine will shoot out his diaper.

Aw hell ... I take anything short of him jumping off my lap and running out the room as a sign of him saying "Yes". I guess I just can't fathom the day the kid tells me "No".

So anyway...went to see Andy's doctor for his two-week checkup yesterday. When he was born, he weighed 7 lbs. 9 oz. Two days later when we left the hospital, he weighed just 7 lbs. Yesterday .... this baby pig weighed 8 lb. 7 oz. The doctor said most babies gain their birth weight back and that's it. So we were kinda shocked (Susie was proud) about Chunky A's sudden weight gain.

It's so obvious he's a mini-me. I gained 50 lbs during this pregnancy and this little guy is already trying to take his daddy on in breaking family records at an extremely early age.

The boy's SMART, I'm 'a tellin' ya.

Oh...and gettin' pudgy. Which I'm kinda proud of too, because fat babies make for better pictures then skinny babies. Think about it.

So yesterday, it was Slim Fast and salad for me.

Gettin' back down to my fightin' weight, I am.

I've already lost TWO POUNDS!!

LOOK OUT WORLD...POST PARTEM UNCLE BOB IS BACK, BABY!!!!

So ... here's the cool things Andrew does ...

* Right after he sneezes...he coos. "AAAH-CHOOOOO....awwwwww". Just like that. It is sooo cool.

* He hiccups after every meal. It doesn't hurt babies in the least, even though his little (but stocky) body is racked with the hiccups. He just sits and goes off into a trance when they happen.

* Apparently, his favorite place to hang out is his carseat. We got one of those car seats that detatches from its base inside the car, so we can carry him around in his seat. Our friends said their kid loved to sleep in the car seat more than the cradle or crib, so we put Andy in there and he was out like a light.

(Even though I know I call him Andy a lot here, I still haven't decided what to call the kid for good)

* He's watched snippets of television. Wednesday night, he was laying on his activity mat as I laid next to him and a commercial came on with a dog barking. His eyes instantly latched on to the television and he watched and listened to the lady. Then when the commercial went off...HE WENT BACK TO PLAYING!!!

IS THAT AMAZING OR WHAT?????

...The World's Smartest Baby...I'm telling you. I'm calling FOX and seeing if I can get him on that show with the world's smartest kids in February.

My boy will blow them all away ... remember the name...

Stone Cold Drew.

You know...Susie admitted to me last night that she thought at times I was going to try and sneak Stone Cold onto the birth certificate behind her back.

I always teasingly told her I was going to fill out the birth certificate while she slept and put "Stonecold" as his first name and "Andrew" for his middle name.

She said that she never knew for sure if I was serious or not, but she woulda been pissed if I was serious and actually did it.

Found out two of my female friends are pregnant in real life ... Carrie who manages the local used CD store here in town and writes CD reviews for the newspaper and Paula who works at my former place of employment...the Bulletin Board. I was a proud congratulating papa and glad to see that both are doing good.

I predicted to Carrie that she was having a girl. It's the way she's carrying it. She said she'd probably bring the baby to work with her and just leave her behind the counter all day. And I said ... what a cool way to be brought into this world...your mom and dad own two CD stores and you grew up in a car seat behind the counter ...

I could prattle on and on here, but I've got other mountains to conquer, kids.

Y'all have a great and safe weekend.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Which old friend/lover in your past would you most like to get in contact with and why?