FRIED RAT SANDWICH AND AN ORDER OF FRIES, PLEASE

Hola kiddies...

Hey...there's a new Diary out there that I need to mention here...SURVIVOR!!! Yes, now the popular game show comes to Diaryland and the winner of the contest gets a million bucks!!!

Well...okay...you don't get a million bucks. But then again...you don't have to eat burnt rat either, and that should count for something.

Seriously, go check SURVIVOR out and see if you have what it takes to survive on the Diaryland island.

I would LOVE to be one of the castaways ... but I got an eerie feeling the Army would find a way to come rescue me and make me look like a total wuss on the Diaryland island.

SCENE FROM DIARYLAND ISLAND IF I WAS ON IT....

DLOVE: "So like...hey man...this is almost like Burning Man except we have to eat like rats and shit. I wish I'd brought some dopeage instead of a toothbrush."

BIGBOY: "Hey! I brought some weed! No I didn't....YES I DID!....no I didn't..."

ANENIGMA:(perking up) "Did somebody say they had some weed?!?"

SINNAMON: "I don't smoke weed...but I brought my Asia Carrera video collection..."

ANENIGMA: "Shit, girl...why didn't you SAY so??"

(Those two go scampering off into the jungle to watch Asia porn.)

(Muffled yells and screams from out in the ocean)

DLOVE: "What the hell is that?"

BRAD PITT: "It sounds like Steve Buscemi when he came back from the dead."

(The sounds grow closer and it's a ship full of people.)

GAWAIN: "We're being rescued!! We're being rescued!! Somebody grab a ladder and wave at the ship!! Shit! Where did I put that motherfucking ladder???"

AFFEMANN: "The ladder is only a metaphysical example of our corporate entities haranguing the downtrodden into following precise measures in order to bring peaceful solitude amongst the islanders."

GAWAIN: "Shan dump you again?"

AFFEMANN: "Yeah."

(The ship grows even closer. A hundred people are partying and hollering and the distinct sounds of Roy Orbison are blasting out of the speakers.)

UNCLE BOB: "Oh shit. Sorry guys...that's my ride."

THE FOOL: "Well ain't that a kick in the balls."

ICEBEAR: "How come I don't have an Army??"

UNCLE BOB: "I thought of it first."

ICEBEAR: "Oh."

(The ship hits the shore, and people begin to stumble off drunkenly)

TIGRE FATALIS: "Whoooohooooo!!! Uncle Bob RAWKS!!!"

MALKAVIA: "We LOVE YOU Uncle Bob!!!"

PIP: "We've come to save you from this horrible island where you're having to eat rat and can't listen to Roy 24-7."

MARN: "I brought you some begonias, Uncle Bob."

UNCLE BOB: "Lemme guess...you grew them yourself didn't you?"

MARN: "How did you know??"

WENDYLOO: "We've gotta wrap this up here...I've got kids at home to take care of, dammit."

UNCLE BOB: "Guys...uhhhh...I love you all too...I mean ... if it wasn't for you guys, there'd be no sense in me getting up every morning at 4:30 to do this. But...I have to stay here on Diaryland island to prove that I'm no wuss."

CORDELIA MEG: "I thought of the island! I did!! It's all my idea!! It's not as good as surrounding myself with an Army...but I think it's a pretty good idea, don't ya think???"

(Schmez throws a dead rat at Cordelia Meg to answer her question.)

SCHMEZ: "I think I'd rather be home listening to Super Virgin read the fucking phone book then be on this shithole of an island."

PLUMCRAZEY: "I really need to be home looking for a decent job."

BLUE KITTEN: "How come I thought being stranded on an island with you people was going to be a fun-filled sex romp? All you people do is bitch, bitch, bitch and I haven't been laid once."

ABUNAI: "Laid??? Lemme tell you about getting laid...."

TIGRE FATALIS: "Regardless...c'mon Uncle Bob...we didn't charter this ship for nothing *chuckles*. Get on the boat and let's get the hell out of here. You're too dainty to be on an island for 20 days."

UNCLE BOB : (sighing)You're probably right, Tigger. Let's go.

(Uncle Bob gets on the ship with his army, waves at his fellow castaways and the ship pulls away from the island.)

METHYBETH: "Hey, Bob...did ya hear??? I'm finally in LOVE!!!!"

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah babe...I heard."

METHYBETH: "Then why haven't you sent me an email to congratulate me?? Huh?? Why??? Huh??? Why????"

(Uncle Bob contemplates jumping overboard while the ship sails off into the sunset)

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So....anyway....SURVIVOR AT DIARYLAND ....sounds like fun.

But count me out...I think I'm going to just sit back and watch.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF THE REAL SURVIVOR? EATING RATS AND BUGS AND LETTING YOUR LEGS BECOME INFESTED WITH INSECT BITES AND RING WORMS AT A CHANCE FOR A MILLION BUCKS?

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(Sorry if I overlooked you in my Survivor Play. Be comforted in the fact that you WERE in the play...but you were on the ship, passed out drunk after an all night party at sea).