HOUSTON, THE IN-LAWS HAVE LANDED

I knewyou'd come crawling back looking for more Uncle Bob, you little rapscallion, you...

As we speak, I have an 11 year-old boy in his underwear laying behind me in the dark on my loveseat.

There's a 17-year-old and a 14 year-old in my den, snoring away.

And somewhere in this house, there's a 19 year-old boy here, but I haven't managed to trip over him in the dark yet.

No ... this isn't one of those gay diarist's dream come true.

The in-laws are here.

After PROMISING to be here between 2 and 3:00 yesterday afternoon, I warily took the afternoon off from work after taking virtually all day off Wednesday, to be nice, come home, and let them in the house.

What time did they get here??

4:45 p.m. Which means I DIDN'T have to take the afternoon off after all.

Thanks guys. I'm really racking up the sick days here, you insufferable fucks.

Anyway ... on with the show.

The dad...Uncle Bill ... the guy I haven't seen since 1989 ... I managed to say one sentence to.

"That chair leans back, Bill."

He was in one of our recliners and I was pointing out that he could stretch his lanky self out in the chair.

His response??

WHAT RESPONSE?!?!

The guy is quiet as hell now. He HATES being around his in-laws just like me, but at least I can fake the love. He just sits there, zones out on TV and falls asleep.

That's cool with me. He's not yelling at the kids non-stop and that counts for something.

Of course, the kids are all out front in the living room, either A) Playing Play Station B) Playing on the Computer or C) Rubbing themselves against the furniture.

Mostly, they opted for (A). I caught the youngest, the 11 year-old sleeping behind me, rubbing himself against the loveseat that he's currently sleeping on. Maybe he has to mark his territory before he sleeps...I dunno. This is one weird assed family.

Another thing, this 11 year-old will NOT quit playing with his penis. He's not masturbating, he's adjusting himself CONSTANTLY. All the adults were in the den and he came out to ask his mom something and he was just tugging away at his dick like a prize was about to shoot out his gonads.

I wanted to say "Hey kid, give the pecker a rest, man." Because he was CONSTANTLY pulling at it.

Can 11 year-olds have jock itch?

And if they can, can it spread to a loveseat??

The 17 year old was PISSED at me and at first he wouldn't come in the house, which I thought was odd.

I asked his mom about it and she said "He thought you were pulling his leg about selling Susie's old car and was hoping that the car would still be in the driveway when we pulled up."

Ummmmm....hellooooo?

I'm SORRY that I wanted the hunk o' junk outta my driveway after it sat there and leaked oil all over the driveway for eight months. I'm SORRY you people reside in Texas and couldn't drive over here to pick it up. I'm SORRY I sold it to a kid here who has had to abandon the car on two seperate occasions because it konked out on him and I'm SORRY that that piece of shit would have NEVER made it all the way to Texas, not even in its better days and I'm especially SORRY that this nephew of mine wants a car, ANY FUCKING CAR, just so he can say he has one, even if it means buying a rusted out 76 Chevy Impala that his grandmother wouldn't be caught dead driving.

The kid finally came in the house, but wouldn't greet me.

Ah. I see.

So I punched him in the stomach and said "What up, punk?"

(That's how I greet my nephews once they become teenagers)

He said nothing and walked past me.

Hmmm...A tough nut here...looks like I'm just going to have to CRACK IT, BABY!!!

"You know," I said. "Napster hasn't done away with ALL their songs yet..."

"Can you make me a disc, Uncle Bob?" he asked.

"Sure," I said nonchalantly. "And by the way, be glad that you didn't buy that car. The guy that bought it has already sunk over a thousand dollars into it in repairs."

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah," I said. "The transmission went out and he had to buy a whole new one. Plus, the U-joint was bad and he had to get a new one of those."

"Wow," he said quietly.

"Yep," I said. "I sure am glad I sold that piece of crap to that guy rather than you, because I woulda felt guilty selling it to you."

"I guess so," the kid said reluctantly.

"Now," I said. "Let's make a CD".

Of course...all those repairs were lies. I'm sure eventually the kid WILL have to get a new transmission and U-joint, if in fact there is such a thing as a U-joint.

But my nephew doesn't need to know this. Now he feels better that he's not saddled with a piece of shit car and he has a new CD to boot.

I'm a good Uncle.

Oh ... my knees are still virgins as of this trip. All the boys have grown out of the "Let's hump Uncle Bob's knees until he makes that really sickening face" phase. And other than the 11 year-old grabbing his crotch more than the entire New York Yankees team combined ... they've pretty much left their genitals alone this trip, which is good.

Caught my other nephew surfing for porn though last night.

Jesus...this kid does NOT stop.

All the boys were in the front room playing. Then they slowly filtered out to where the adults were ... except for the porn surfer who was last seen on the computer.

I told Susie quietly to go check on the porn surfer.

Sure enough...he had Hotbot open and had done a find for "Sex" and was clicking on everything he could find.

When I was his age...yeah...I was curious about the female body. And no...there was no internet around when I was 13. If we wanted to see a naked female body, we had to hop on our dinosaurs and go find a National Geographic and look at African Amazon Women's Hooters(TM).

But I would THINK if my Uncle caught me drooling and rubbing myself over his National Geographics and he told me to never do that again...I would search for a new way to scope out the juggies.

Not this kid. He just doesn't fucking listen.

Of course, Susie said everything was fine when she came back into the room and waited until we went to bed last night to tell me the truth about the little pervert.

We reallyneed to tell his parents and I think Susie should be the one while she thinks I should be the one. It's her brother we need to tell, but she said that because we're both guys, it'd be easier for me to tell him.

Plus, they just got a new computer and are hooked to the internet so it's a given that the little perv will be joyriding down the Slutsville Highway on their computer if he hasn't already.

But how do you tell someone "Look...every time you bring your kid over and he zeroes in on that computer, he's downloading as much porn as his eyes can take in before we end up busting him and we DO bust him every single time"?

...Probably not like that, I guess.

The other 13 year old nephew from Texas is more interested in Pokemon than Pornomon.

Aren't 13 year olds too old for Pokemon?

I think so, but then again, I don't have a clue what Pokemon is all about.

And finally ... the other 11 year old nephew, the younger brother of the perv, takes TOO MUCH JOY out of seeing my son naked.

Susie let him change two diapers last night.

Tell me...what normal 11 year old boy wants to change diapers on a baby?

And does it VERY SLOWLY while never taking his eyes off the baby's penis?

And likes to hang around and watch his aunt breast feed?

He's sending me mixed signals here. When Susie nurses, he's RIGHT THERE and apparently this doesn't bother Susie at all, because she's all hippy dippy now and thinks that everyone should get a chance to watch her whip the tit out.

Me? I'm still a little old fashioned. For the last 15 years, that tit's been MINE, BABY. I didn't share it with anyone else. I have no problem sharing it with Baby Andy or any female that doesn't have a problem with it.

But other males? I just don't think they need to see my wife pinch her nipple into my son's mouth.

Call me old fashioned.

Anyway ... if you haven't figured it out by now ... my in-laws are freaks of nature.

...Just thought you might like to know...

Went to our first "Biggest Rat in Town" meeting last night at the American Cancer Society.

...Which gave me about a two hour reprieve from the penis-tugging nephews ...

I was glad to find out that I wasn't the only one who hadn't gotten in gear for this competition yet.

I hung out with Jennifer who hosts "Today in Alabama" which is the local show that precedes the "Today" show here in town.

She's thin as a rail. I did a fashion show with her about three years ago and she was much meatier then. Now she looked like a pipe cleaner with makeup on.

But she was a helluva lot more fun and smartass than she is on TV. On TV she comes off as a scared little rabbit, staring into the camera.

With me last night, we were the only two media people who bothered coming to the meeting so we got along famously.

Anyway...a new friend for me. Yay!

I did find out that I need a campaign manager if I want to stand a chance at winning this contest.

Hmmmm...who should I pick???

I've got a few people in mind.

Oh ... and I found out I have an expense report with this contest. So if I have to spend some money, the Cancer Society will reimburse me.

So that's cool. I thought I was gonna have to beg for everything to be free. Now I find out I can blow some bucks on renting a place for a party or something.

Yay!

Alright ... kids have stopped snoring which means they're either dead or waking up.

Who am I kidding? These kids were still up at 3 a.m. yanking their cranks and downloading MP3s and naked albino lesbians. They won't be awake until noon.

But they're all leaving today.

I've been promised that.

Today.

Gone.

Vamoosed.

Damned well better be all gone when I get home from the office today.

Or a severe ass-thrashing will be dealt someone's way.

I just haven't decided who yet.

...But I'm steering clear of the pervs...