BABY BOY BREAKS FUSSY WORLD RECORD!!!

Here I am ... 4:15 a.m. ... Baby Andy sitting directly behind me in his bouncy chair, eyes fixated on "Baby Mozart -- The Video", FINALLY being quiet.

Andy was ummmm... a little fussy last night starting at about...ohhhh...10:30.

It was another night of "If Somebody Doesn't Hold Me, I'm Going To Scream" nights.

Susie's held him the last four hours, I held him until midnight and slept from about 12:30 to 4 a.m.

From what we've read in books combined with what we've made up in our heads, we've come to the conclusion that when a baby cuts a tooth on top, it's much worse than a bottom tooth.

A bottom tooth is cute. It's no problem cutting a bottom tooth. A bottom tooth is a lot like wiping your ass. Actually, it's nothing like wiping your ass. I was just desperate to come up with something else to say about a bottom tooth and that's what tumbled out of my head.

Whatever the case ... this little kid didn't hardly sleep at all last night.

Oh goody! Scooby Doo is on!! Here comes another 30 minutes of no sleep!!

...rabble scrabble sonofabitch Scooby Doo...

Well ... my attempt at "Children's Moment" at church yesterday was a smashing success.

As duly noted by damned near everyone, it was the FIRST time that a Children's Moment received applause.

Yes...applause.

I'm telling you ... this trick with the magic purple cloth disappearing is a humdinger.

Yep.

I said "humdinger".

The one mistake I made was trying to ad-lib the whole thing. It's one thing to do a magic trick. It's quite another to do a magic trick, and talk about God at the same time.

At one point, I was having trouble with the timing of the trick coinciding with my spiel. So...and I swear to God this is true ... I said "This magic cloth is crazy ... just like God. God does a lot of crazy things."

Yeah.

That crazy God.

He's quite the party animal.

These little kids are walking away from Children's Moment with images of God in their head wearing a beer bong hat at a kegger in a Frat House, screaming "WHOOOHOOOO!" at scantily clad sorority girls and then spending the evening vomiting while Moses holds his hair out of the toilet.

"God does crazy things".

I should be shot.

However, when the preacher congratulated me after the service, and I said "Yeah, but I shoulda never said the 'God does crazy things' line", he said "NOOOO!! God DOES do crazy things!!"

Made me feel a whole lot better anyway.

(an hour later)

Sorry. Andy needed to catch a few winks and the only comfortable place for him was on my chest.

What else happened yesterday???

Susie's brother and his family came over yesterday.

This is the family with the 13 year old porn surfer.

On Friday, the day after we caught him for the fourth time looking for porn, Susie confronted her brother and his wife about it.

Their reaction??

"Oh well."

So maybe THAT'S why he never took me seriously when I told him to never do it again and he'd just do it again. His parents could care less if he comes over to our house and surfs for porn.

Susie did tell them that the nephew was no longer allowed to get on our computer at home. That's our rule and we're sticking with it.

I know when I first started dating Susie, her brother was a porno conniseur. He had more porn tapes than anyone I ever knew...AND porn is illegal in Alabama.

So now that they just bought a new computer, I guess Dad's gonna have the 13 year old show him some of these sites that he's heard about and they can have a good father and son relationship, spanking their chubbies at the computer together.

Once again...kids...BEFORE you get married ... make SURE the family you're marrying into isn't full of a bunch of weirdos and porn-hoarding pervs.

If you never learn anything from me, at least try and remember that.

Anyway ... the kids played Play Station while they were here and only asked to get on the computer once to watch a DVD.

Which DVD you ask?

"Scary Movie".

Okay, the movie's R-rated. There's lotsa sex and violence in the film mixed with humor.

I told them "no" and that it wasn't a kid's movie.

The 13 year old wanted to argue. I guess when you've practically seen gynecological exams on my computer, "Scary Movie" is a walk in the park.

"I can watch this," he said, turning the box over in his hands.

"You see that big "R" there," I said. "That means R-rated. That means you can't watch it until you're 17."

"I watch R-rated movies at home all the time," he countered.

And there's your fucking problem, people.

His parents don't give two shits what he watches. We went round and round over this about three years ago when he wanted to watch "Terminator 2".

I may be "cool Uncle Bob", but when it comes to contributing to the deliquency of a minor, count my cool ass out.

I told him he was NOT going to watch "Terminator 2" in my house.

The little fucker waited until I was preoccupied, took the video off the shelf, went into the living room, put it in and started watching the movie.

AFTER I told him no.

I woulda spanked the kid, but he'd probably moan with delight.

I did give the kid a stern lecture on respecting me in my house and I didn't care what he did outside of my house, but in MY HOUSE, you did what I said and if that means not watching an R-rated movie when your ten years old, that means not watching an R-rated movie when you're ten years old, you little bastard.

He basically just laughed it off back then. Just like he laughs off the porn surfing now.

...And Susie can't figure out why I don't think he's a little angel like she does.

I got a campaign manager for my "Biggest Rat" competition!!

And it's the woman I wanted!!

She doesn't feel too confident in her role, but I think she'll do fine.

I sure hope so anyway.

I don't need her ass dragging me down.

Well, with Andy being cranky and time being wasted, I've gotta end this here before I tell any more exciting ancedotes about my day.

Yeah, I know...boo hoo hoo.

...Eat me, you sarcastic bitch.

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

SISTERS OF MERCY: "This Corrosion"

I'm feeling slightly goth today. Think I'll break out the mascara and black lipstick and show up for work and see if anyone notices.

No I won't. I'll just listen to this song and bang my head so that the stray hairs cover my bald spot just so.

Yeah.

That's what I'll do, alright.

DOWNLOAD THIS DAMNED SONG NOWWWW!!!