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09:11:14 - 2000-02-05

My third entry in nine hours. Tell me I ain't bored.

Since it's obvious sex sells here in the sinful land of Diaryland I thought I would drop another one of "My First..." stories on ya.

Today's is entitled "My First Time I Ever Masturbated To Orgasm In Front Of A Group Of Men Who Were All Staring At Me And Calling Me "Judy" Over And Over Again Until I Screamed "Oh Stop, You Beasts" And Came Like A Cold December Wind While My Nipples Were Being Administered Electric Shocks From A Set Of Jumper Cables."

Actually, that's kind of misleading. Because I've never had a gay experience in my life.

I'm not homophobic by any means. I have oodles of gay friends. Make that "kaboodles". I like to surround myself with pretty gay men and go out to clubs. That way, all the chicks are hovering around our table, but I'M the only one that will give them the time of day.

Smart, eh guys?

Here ... to the chagrin of some of my closest friends ... are all the gay experiences I've been linked to in the past.

* When I was about five years old, my two little five year old friends were playing in one of the bedrooms while I was doing something else in the house. Rodney told me to come upstairs and watch what they were doing. They were having "sword fights" with their little erect penises. I remember being repulsed and running from the room. Both guys later married and had kids. They're probably latent.

* My two best friends in high school, Pat and Rich. We were the three musketeers in high school. They were both extremely pretty boys and big time chick magnets. Rich looked like a young Kevin Costner and Pat was the spitting image of Donny Osmond. I hung out with them hoping to get their overflow of women. Yet...they never dated. They were always extremely nervous when it came to asking women out, and never managed to do it.

And the more I think about it...for as handsome as they were, they never really had women banging down their door.

Christ...I was soooo naive....

We used to hang out every weekend. I was always the FIRST ONE dropped off. Always. I remember feeling like a third wheel most of the time. By the time we got to college, I was shunned from our little group. I made new friends and life went on.

At my ten year high school reunion, there was a book given out that had updates on everyone. Curiously, I wanted to see what had happened to my old buddies Rich and Pat from 10 years earlier since they hadn't made it to the reunion.

Wow ... Rich moved to Texas.

Wow ... so did Pat.

Wow ... ummm ...they're living together in the same apartment.

...I never knew. Never in my wildest dreams did I know my two best friends were lovers.

It cracks me up now because it's like I solved a case. Not like it bothered me for years, but man...I was OSTRACIZED (sp?) from our group. It kinda smarted as a senior in high school to drift away from yer two best buds while yer still around them all the time. But now ... all the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly and there's still times when I find clues that should have warned me years earlier.

Heh. Hats off to those two for pulling the wool over this guy's eyes.

*I had a buddy that I worked with in 1985 named John. Once again, another pretty boy that I was hoping I could snag one of his tossaways. We tended to drink a lot back then. I was living at home with my parents and he was living with his Uncle who took him in when his family threw him out on the street. He never explained why.

His Uncle hated me. We would go out partying and I'd bring him back to his house after midnight and his Uncle would be drunk and throwing all John's stuff out in the front yard.

John used to tell me he loved me when he was drunk. It was kind of an unusual thing for a guy to say to another guy. I always took it as an "Awwwww....I LOVE YOU MANNNNNN!!!" kinda manly "love" thing to say.

But John would keep reiterating how much he loved me. So I would have to say "Awww man....well I love you too, dude" because I didn't wanna seem...I dunno...cold and uncapable of loving a friend.

That was as weird as he ever got with me. I left the job soon after that and never really hung out with him once I left.

But about a year later I was working in a bank and John walked into the lobby.

...In tight black short shorts and a white fishnet tank top and eye makeup. His friend was one of the ugliest drag queens I think I've ever seen.

I'm not embarrassed of my gay friends. But I hid behind a door when I saw that.

At that point, all the "Uncle" problems began to make sense to me.

...I was the bitch trying to steal his boy toy.


Anyway...nothing ever happened there with John. I was clueless.

* My closest gay friend is one of our bridesmaids ... J.J. When we got married, J.J. was the most beautiful women I knew personally. Two of my groomsmen went ga-ga over her and tried (unsuccessfully) to pick her up at the reception.

J.J. moved north to study acting and ... trivia note...was Gillian "The X-Files" Anderson's roommate for two years (She HATED Gillian...maybe someday I'll tell ya some bizarre stories about Agent Scully).

J.J. came back to town one Christmas and called me and the wife up and wanted to come over to see us. We were thrilled...Susie would see her old childhood buddy, and I'd get to stare at a fine babe all night.

I realize it has to happen eventually to all of them, and I'm going to use some politically incorrect terms here, so excuse me...but her transformation from a beautiful young actress to a bull dyke was phenomenal.

I didn't even recognize her. And sweetheart that she is, as soon as we threw open the door , she threw her arms out to hug us and exclaimed "I'm a lesbian!!"

I laughed my ass off. That was one of the funniest and most shocking things I've ever seen. She's such a trip and I love her to death. Even though I'll never get to seduce her with my Uncle Bob charms.

* Now...I said I've never had any gay experiences. That's not entirely true. I do have one weakness....

When I am SHITFACED KNOCKED OUT STONED TO THE BONE drunk ... I get a perverted thrill outta kissing my buddies on the mouth in large groups.

I can't explain my fascination with it. But I have got to be almost blackout-drunk to do it.

Last spring, a bunch of friends of mine were having this wild party in a hotel suite. I had been drinking from 11 a.m. to 1 a.m. when I decided it was time to call it a night. My buddy Jamie was trying to keep me from going and the conversation was getting loud (I had a designated driver ...Jamie just wanted me to stay and party). When I had a clue that everyone had shut up and were watching us yell at each other, I grabbed the back of his head, pulled his face to mine and gave him a big ol smack on the lips.

No tongue. I don't do tongue with guys.

As soon as I kissed him I left the party, with him drunk and flabbergasted and everyone left staring at him waiting for an explanation. Meanwhile, I'm already vomiting in the glass elevator.

The next evening...same party (told ya...wild party) one of my other buddies can't shut up about the previous night's kiss. I finally just screamed "You know you want it" and grabbed him before his drunk ass could dodge my ex-football player frame and I gave him a big kiss. At the time, I was a co-host on a local TV show (no shit) and our producer was at the party and he grabbed a video camera and caught it all. He always threatened to eventually put it on the show. The show was cancelled four months later. My kiss never made it on there. Thank God.

* Oh ...when I was 13 and finding out that such a thing as homosexuality existed, I sat in study hall and tried to think who I would have sex with if I were gay. And the only man I could think of was Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. He used to look so androgynous in the 70s so I guesstimated that he would be the man for me.

Now he looks like Shirley MacLaine. And I wouldn't give him the time of day.

...It's not like Steven Tyler is reading this and thinking "Christ. I was really hoping for a BJ from Uncle Bob."

I really need to get this ego in check.

Be back later... when I get finished banging the wife.

...It's the heterosexual thing to do.


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