GIANT MONKEYS ATTACK ALABAMA ...FILM AT 11

Aloha!

I hope everyone had a happy mother's day, especially all you muthas out there.

I called mom and sent her flowers. She was kinda appreciative. It seems I called at a bad time, because Dad was giving her fits, bitching about wanting to get out of the hospital after being in there for 11 days.

Apparently, he'll probably get out today. But I think Mom has started to adjust to life at home without him and is kinda enjoying it.

She kept saying "Your father wants to leave the hospital, but I don't want him coming home unless he's 100 percent better."

Well, geez Mom...he just had brain surgery. It's call a "recuperating period". It's going to take him six months to get 100 percent better.

I think Mom's sleeping with the pool boy.

Anyway...she sounded snippy. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't cuss her out on Mother's Day.

I'm such a good son.

Scratch that. I'm a GREAT son.

Went to my boy Eddie Lavoie's 30th birthday party on Saturday night. It was good seeing some of the people that I haven't seen in a long time. I drank about six beers which marked the first time I've drank since February.

Amazingly, I didn't get too drunk from it. I wasn't hungover yesterday either, but I was a bit sluggish.

...Which means I moved like a slug and left a slime trail everywhere I went.

I called my old buddy, Mattie Gee on Saturday and told him to come get some old furniture we had in our living room because we didn't have room for it anymore.

Matt is divorced and has the same furniture that all recently divorced men have. A patio table and chairs that serve as a dining room set and a loveseat that someone gave him years ago.

I gave him a sofa, chair, two end tables and two lamps. Just so we could have room for boxes for the yard sale.

In no time at all, we filled the empty space with boxes and boxes of crap.

Got caught up on yard work yesterday, which is something I do every Mothers' Day. Now the back of my neck is tan and leathery like a pro golfer.

Or like a professional yard guy.

Or like an Alabama redneck.

I completely forgot to get Susie anything for Mother's Day. Ever since we bought our dog in 1990, we've celebrated Mothers and Fathers Day because she's been our baby.

Then...when my wife FINALLY becomes a real mom, I completely forget about it.

I'm such an idiot.

Never fear. I gave her a credit card and told her to go to the mall and splurge.

She got four maternity dresses and will now be a stylin' fat chick for the next six months.

Go stylin' fat chick!! Happy pregnant mother's day!!

One of her friends came over unexpectedly last night and stayed for dinner. I had cooked a Boston Butt in the crock pot all day and covered it in barbecue sauce so we had barbecue sandwiches, fries and my world famous baked beans.

As it turns out, her friend can't eat ANYTHING with wheat in it.

You wouldn't BELIEVE what all has wheat in it.

Damned near everything.

The sauce I poured over the bbq?? Wheat.

French fries?? Wheat.

Baked Bean sauce??? Wheat.

Hamburger buns??? Wheat.

So she drank Kickin' Kiwi Lime Kool-Aid for dinner.

AND she had the courtesy to thank us for dinner.

A glass of Kool Aid for dinner.

I almost charged her a quarter. But didn't. Mother's Day and all ... I was feelin' generous.

I'd write more, but it's late ...almost 6:30 a.m. Gotta get the dog walking and the old lady up out of bed.

My life is sooooo hectic, don't ya know.

Hey ... what the hell are Pitas and Bloggers?

I see them everywhere...but why are they named that??

I flirted around with the idea of getting a Pita or Blogger, but just like this diary ... I'm sure I wouldn't follow the pita or blogger rules and eventually screw up the entire concept.

So be glad that Uncle Bob hasn't tainted the Pitas and Bloggers.

Be VERY glad.

Oh yeah...if you're going to send me email...sign it with your fake name so I know who the hell you are. I'm getting way too many emails with people signing their real names instead of their Internet/Diaryland names and I'm left scratching my tan and leathery head wondering who the hell these people are.

Some of you I know your real names.

Most of you I do not.

Common courtesy, people.

Common courtesy.

Oh yeah...if you get the chance...check this out. Then check this out one more time.

Do ya think they mighta ripped me off? Do I have a lawsuit???