SILENCE IS GOLDEN

You hear THAT, baby??

Total silence.

The inlaws have packed up their sour-smelling dirty socks and gone home.

The end of their reign of terror was pretty anti-climactic.

They were supposed to leave at 12 noon and get up to North Alabama by 3 p.m. to pick up the daddy of the brood and then start their trek back towards Ft. Worth.

They left here at 3 p.m. Only three hours late. Not bad for this lazy bunch of sloths.

After I typed in yesterday's entry, my internet connection died.

The cable connection.

Mr. "24-7...you're hooked to the net" connection.

I called Knology's service center, whose number I now know by heart, since I've called it over a dozen times in the last month.

"My internet connection is down," I said.

"We'll have someone come fix it on Monday," they said.

Ummmmm....no the fuck you won't. You'll fix it NOW, Senor. Or you not only lose MY business, but I'll write a SCATHING editorial on your ass that will be seen by over 600,000 people.

(Newspaper circulation, plus Internet hits)

...It was fixed 90 minutes later...I love threatening people with scathing editorials, although I've never written a single one. I'm not quite sure what would happen if anyone ever took me up on my offer and told me to write a scathing editorial on them...see if they care.

Hell...I'm not even sure what "scathing" means. Is it a form of scratching??

Anywhooooo...the Internet connection came back after I uploaded yesterday's column on my old 33.6 modem back in the back of the house.

It took 17 minutes to upload the column from start to finish.

Thank GOD for cable modems.

thankyouGod,thankyouGod,thankyou.

Susie had to cry when her sister and kids pulled out of the driveway. And I had to console her.

It's really hard to console somebody over something that you're overjoyed about. No more loud sister in law. No more kids talking non-stop. No more midnight movie marathons while we're trying to sleep so we can go to work the next morning. No more gassy sister-in-laws stinking up the house. No more fixing a huge meal only to be met with "We want peanut butter and jelly".

But I tried.

My consoling wasn't working, so I suggested we go to Toys R Us and look at baby stuff.

I have found that this is the new way to console her. Making her look at strollers and playpens alleviates all grief from her system.

So we spent an hour at Toys R Us looking at baby stuff.

We bought a few things and as we were checking out there was a mother with a SCREAMING child.

The kid wanted a toy, but only had three bucks. The toy was four bucks.

The mother wouldn't budge. Wouldn't give the kid a dollar so the kid could have a toy.

The kid had developed that "gasping for air" crying jag, that always makes me laugh.

"I ...(inhale sharply)...need...(inhale sharply)...a...(inhale sharply)...dollar...(inhale sharply)...Mommy..."

I looked over at the mother and just grinned. I couldn't help it. In a way, I thought it was cute as hell.

It was also annoying, but c'mon...you're in Toys R Us. If you don't see at least ONE whiny kid in Toys R Us, you must be at the Stepford Toys R Us.

These days, any time we're out in public and see a crying kid, Susie and I analyze the situation and decide what we would do in that parent's shoes.

We both decided that if we have to take the kid to Toys R Us, we explain to them beforehand that we're going but they're NOT getting anything...we're just buying something for their friend's birthday party or whatever and the child is only along to help us pick out something that their friend would like.

I personally opted for the tactic of NEVER letting the kid step foot in a Toys R Us until he's 16. And anytime we drove by Toys R Us and the kid was fascinated by all the colorful giraffes on the outside, explain to him that that is where the bad kids go to be spanked by strangers.

....Or something like that...

An old friend of Susie's stopped by the house last night.

J.J. was one of the bridesmaids in our wedding. A beautiful girl, she actually went out and SLEPT WITH one of my groomsmen the night of our wedding.

These days, she's gay.

I love the girl to death, but sometimes I think she's gay only because she finds it trendy.

I've tried to get her to admit she's bi. She says flat out that she's gay.

I always bring up my groomsman.

She always brings up that there was a LOT of champagne at our reception.

Anyway...she lives in Chicago now as a struggling actress/sales manager and came home for a week to see her family and to MEET her new lover whom she has courted over the Internet for the last several months.

She swears she's getting married to this new girl.

And she wants Susie to be a bridesmaid.

Alright...at that point, I couldn't stop giggling.

Everybody has a right to be happy. But J.J....c'mon...you just MET this girl in the flesh. What happened to the woman you've been living with for the last four years??

"Oh...I dumped her."

The truth is...and it's not so much the truth as it is my opinion...I don't think J.J. knows WHAT she wants.

...I know she wants as much oral sex as her labia can possibly handle ...

But other than that, she's an enigma.

Good luck to her. We told her we'd be at the wedding.

Hell...it'll be the first wedding I've actually looked forward to.

This should be a hoot.