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00:13:24 - 2000-02-23

Uncle Bob feels like cussing up a storm tonight. You kids may just wanna slowly step backwards until you reach your car and then hop in, pull outta my driveway and high tail it outta here. I'll take my gun and I'll give you whippersnappers what for!! Mmm-hmmm, I'm'a tellin' ya what...


Okay ... this has really been bugging the shit outta me all day. Twice now I've written columns about all the celebs I've crossed paths with over the years.

Both times I thought the lists were complete.

And both times I left the computer, got on the interstate to work and thought "SHIT!!! WHAT ABOUT THE TIME I MET THE OHIO PLAYERS?!?!"

Do you people even know who the Ohio Players are?

"Rollercoaster? I love it...SAY WHAT??"

Remember that song??

Ah well ... I met and interviewed them. I'm hot shit all of a sudden.

"Yeah babe...(Bob pulls his shades down so he can peer over them with his bloodshot brown eyes, creating a pitifully awkward "seductive" look)... I hung with the Ohio Players....wanna...come back to my place and lemme tell ya all about it?"

The cool story about da Playas...after meeting them, we were walking to the hotel elevator and we all got in. Some kids were in the elevator as well. So it's Uncle Bob, the Ohio Players, and 3-4 teens.

Of course...Uncle Bob is drunker than Ted Kennedy on New Year's Eve. He's been PARTYIN' DUDE!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!PARTYIN' WIT' DA PLAYAS, BABY!!!"

Keep in mind..."da Playas" had an average age of about 57. Technically...they're about as cool as Mr. Rogers.

Anyway...GODDAMMIT...I'm sorry Shoshannah...I know these entries are long winded, but I FUCKING GET SIDETRACKED.


So, I ask these teens in the elevator if they know who these guys are. They don't. So I start singing "Rollercoaster" in my drunken Uncle Bob falsetto.

I'm impressing NOBODY but myself.

I was a tad boisterous...I repeatedly prodded Da Playaz for an acapella version of "Rollercoaster". They finally gave in and sang it with me. I did the same thing last year with members of Kool and the Gang when I made them sing "Celebration" with me in the same glass elevator.

Heh. The funny thing is...this shit's all true.

OKAY .... with that story done...I'm going to do something here that may take a while. I'm going to try to list every single BRUSH WITH GREATNESS that I've ever had. I've been thinking recently about just how many famous people I've met or talked to or interviewed for the newspaper.

This list is totally true. No false stuff or funny stuff. This list is probably more for me than you because I want a concrete list of famous people I've met. There's been lots of little ones ... people I doubt y'all have heard of, that I won't mention. These are just some that you might have heard of.

I feel like Forrest Gump goes....

* The above mentioned OHIO PLAYERS.

* The above mentioned KOOL AND THE GANG.

* THE MONSTERS, without Big Head Todd from Big Head Todd and the Monsters. I didn't recognize them at're always looking for the guy with the big head...not the Monsters.

* I lived across the street from WCW wrestler JEFF JARRETT for three years.

* I once threw wrestler TOMMY "WILDFIRE" RICH out of a bar because he got belligerent with a waitress. He was just a fat drunk. And he still is.

* I shook BILL GATES' hand at a press conference and asked "How are you, Mr. Gates." He replied "Fine." I asked a question during the press conference, but I'll be damned if I remember what it was. The conference was about the Gates Library Foundation he was starting here in Alabama. I still have my press pass from it. Whoooohoooo.

* Met B.B. KING backstage at a concert. The coolest thing about that was ... I got my friend Mattie Gee backstage to meet him. At the time, B.B. was Mattie's God. Mattie Gee is a pretty cool guy...doesn't get ruffled like that. But geez...I thought he was gonna piss himself meeting B.B. Then, for the duration of the concert, we stood hidden behind B.B.'s drummer and watched the entire show from there. I didn't give two craps about meeting B.B. I did it all for Mattie Gee.

* I told the SCREAMIN' CHEETAH WHEELIES I dug their band right before they went on stage. I'm glad they didn't ask me any of their song's names.

* I helped THE AMERICAN DREAM, DUSTY RHODES find his car in the Atlanta airport parking lot.

* I pissed LITTLE RICHARD off by taking pictures of him backstage before he was in the "Little Dick Zone".

* Retired baseball legend WADE BOGGS once told me I was the best deejay he had ever heard. He was pretty shitfaced at the time. Honestly, I had no idea who he was until that night, so I wasn't nervous at all around him. In fact, I let him hang out in the deejay booth with me while I worked the crowd.

* I set a friend up with actor ED MARINARO who was on "Hill Street Blues" at the time. All they did was go back to his hotel room and screw. She wouldn't say how it was, but that it was "worth it".

* I may not get this guy's name right ... MICHAEL DAMIAN?? He was on some soap in the 80s, and had a hit single with "Rock On". He came to the club to promote that song, and hung out in the booth with me for about an hour. Jeez. Talk about a pretty boy. I woulda fucked him, and I'm as straight as they come.

* The very first celebrity I ever met was BURT WARD who played Robin on "Batman" in the 60s. He was at the grand opening of a Ponderosa steak house in Peoria, Illinois and I begged my parents to take us there, so they did. Then, we sat like two tables over from Burt Fuckin' Ward and I didn't have the balls to go over and get an autograph. My dad was about to beat my ass right there in front of God and Robin if I didn't go over there and get an autograph. So I made my little sister go over there with me. He sat there in his entire "Robin" outfit ... right down to the codpiece and mask. He signed the photo "To Jim, Julie and Kristi ... ZAP! BOOM! POW!! Burt Ward". I bet that thing would be worth five bucks today.

* I've interviewed TOMMY SHAW from Styx and Damn Yankees twice and he's one of the nicest guys in the rock and roll world. He's originally from Montgomery, so he comes to town every few years to visit his mom ( it turns a big fan of my humor column. Ironic, eh? I'm a fan of her son ... she's a fan of mine...). He was my virgin celebrity interview and was soooo cool with me. He's a great guy, great artist, go out and buy all his albums NOW.

There's a shitload more brushes. I was hoping to get to them all here, but there's just no way. I've written the rest down and will cover them at another time.

I'm tired and am going to bed.

How can I do something daring and crazy that would make Uncle Bob notice me???

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