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5:58 a.m. - 2001-06-27


As my days at the newspaper quickly wind down, I'm getting ballsier by the minute.

Yesterday I got into it with one of our State Representatives.

Although I can't say the guy's name, I'll call him Harry Pooper here. If you were to take the first letters of THAT name and switch them, you'd have his real name.

Y'see...I've never liked Harry Pooper. He's an egotistical, arrogant, pompous politician. He spends more time in the tanning bed than he does actually working and his main goal in life is to get his face on as many news segments and in as many newspapers as he can.

He's good friends with both the owner of the paper and our sports editor. He doesn't even know my f'n name, even though my picture and name are in the paper twice each week, and he claims to "love" the paper...he just always calls me "Buddy".

I've got yer "buddy", Harry Pooper...right chere...

(Uncle Bob grabs a handful of crotch and squeezes. For the sake of argument, we'll say it's his own crotch)

Every single f'n week, my boss brings me a picture of Harry doing whatever the fuck he did this week. Maybe it's cutting a ribbon at a grand opening. Maybe he went to a T-ball game. Maybe he was eating out the ass of one of the local judges, trying desperately to keep his face in the public eye and the judge's ass.

AND...these pictures ALWAYS have to have color placement. Because Harry Pooper cannot have his picture in black and white. That's an absolute no-no. Black and white pictures are for the peons. This is Harry Pooper we're talking about. He DESERVES color.

So anyway, Harry comes in yesterday with some pictures of he and his wife and brother and sister-in-law at this $1,000 a plate dinner that one of our Senators had and President Bush attended last week.

Harry wants these pictures on the FRONT PAGE.

I explained to Harry that I had six pictures of President Bush that were going on the cover.

He said "You need local people on the cover...not President Bush."

A) Don't tell me how to lay out a newspaper, you pompous motherfucker.

I told him that I had made a 220 mile round trip to get pictures of President Bush, the pictures turned out good and they were going on the cover.

Harry Pooper said that he spends more money with this paper than anyone else in town.

B)You are the most arrogant goddamned piece of porcupine shit I have ever met, Harry Pooper and that was about the biggest, stupidest fucking lie I've ever heard any goddamned politician utter.

I smiled and asked Harry what he was talking about. My left testicle swelled as I said it.

He said that the insurance company he "works" for buys a full page ad every month in the sports magazine that we produce.

$600 a month.

I literally laughed in this dumb motherfucker's face. One of the local mall's spends at least $1,200 a month with us.

Harry then said that it was "important" that I got these pictures in the paper, that they were in color and that they ran THIS WEEK.

I told him I'd "see what I could do".

Well guess what, Bob-heads?

I did NOT put the pictures in color. And I did NOT put the pictures in the paper AT FUCKING ALL.

Of course ... this could mean that I get fired when the boss gets back. Since this is the boss's "friend" and he's scared shitless of the power that this lowly scumbag politician wields.

It's the chance I'll have to take.

I'm not exactly panicking since the boss comes back from his drunk-assed vacation the same day that I come in to clean out my desk and say my goodbyes.

Fucking Harry Pooper.

Eat my constipated shit, you fuck.

It was kinda funny ... right after Harry left, everyone in the office looked at each other and couldn't believe what Harry had said.

"Can you believe what he said?" they all asked each other while looking at each other.

What I didn't know is that our sports editor followed Harry outside and tore him a new asshole for coming in and acting so damned pompous.

He said that he told Harry that he was tired of defending Harry around that office...that everyone there always thought he was a pompous dick but that our Sports Editor always stood up and defended him saying that you just had to know Harry.

But he was no longer going to defend him after that. Those days were gone.

He said Harry got pissed, jumped in his $50,000 car and hauled ass outta there.

I'm so proud of my sports editor.

By the way ... he's the front runner to take over my job when I leave and I hope he gets it because he's a great guy and deserves to move up the ladder rather than bring in somebody new off the street.

He thought I'd be pissed to know that he may be taking my spot. I told him I couldn't be happier for him.

Then I'd called him a backstabbing motherfucker.

He laughed. I laughed.

Then I tried to pretend I was serious, but I couldn't.

Good for him.

One of our salesladies took me out to lunch yesterday which was kinda odd because we're not exactly close.

Then I found out why she did it.

She wanted to tell me she was "probably" leaving the company to go sell television advertising.

This is like the tenth time I've heard her say she was "probably" leaving for another job.

So I let her vent about how much she hates our company, her boss, and everything in general.

Finally I told her "Look...I think if any of us ever gets an opportunity for a better job than this, we should take it. That's why I'm getting out."

She thanked me for my words of advice. I scarfed down my Sesame Chicken. We went back to the office.

I think she wanted to take me back to her house and chomp on my sex stick. She kept talking about how horny she was since she separated from her husband while we ate.

I pretended not to hear her in the loud restaurant each time she brought it up. Only to force her to say shit like "I'm horny as hell" twice.

Sure, it's kinda demeaning to a woman to make her repeat her sexual wishes.

But I had no intentions of humping this woman. So it just turned into fun for me.


I talked to one of the girls from the American Cancer Society yesterday and told her I was leaving the newspaper. I asked if this would affect my running in the "Biggest Rat In Town" competition next year.

She asked me what I would be doing and I said "writing books".

She thought for a second and then said that they probably wouldn't want me in the contest next year.

I was kinda taken aback for a second and then said "Okay, that's fine."

Then she laughed and said she was only joking and that they wanted me to run in the competition no matter what job I was holding.

That mischievous little imp!! She beat me at my own game...fucking with people!!!

...I'll tell ya what though...if she took me out for Chinese and said she was horny as hell ... I'd be on Divorce Court pleading my case in front of Judge Judy right about now.

Oooo la la.

Lemme tell ya.

She is the Mayor of Hottie City.

That's about all the news I've got for ya. I'm staying home this morning with the Andy Man until our Nosy Assed Neighbor gets back from the Doctor's office at which time she will babysit him for the remainder of the afternoon while I go to work and start seeing what shit I need to steal from my job. I've had my eye on this Associated Press Stylebook for the last few days.

Color it mine, baby.


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