I'M A HEARTLESS BASTARD...LITERALLY

Remember...ohhhh...say last week about this time...I was telling you about having pictures of my heart taken after a stress test and that "everything will be fine" and I wasn't worried?

Ahem.

I guess it's about time I started worrying.

I got a call yesterday from the doctor's office. I take it and get ready to hear about how healthy my heart is, blah blah blah.

Ahem ahem.

I have what doctors like to call "an abnormal heart". Apparently the blood isn't flowing into the heart like it should be. There is NO damage to my heart and it's pumping just fine. Just...I'm getting a trickle of blood instead of a geyser of blood.

So what do they do in a situation like this, you ask?

Well...they go INSIDE MY F'N HEART!!!!!!!(!)

At my earliest convenience (oh yeah...this sounds REALLY convenient), I have to schedule a Cardiac Catharization so they can check out the old ticker and see if there's any blockage in my arteries.

You can either click on that link or I'll tell you how it's done.

Didn't click? That's cool. Basically, they're going to take a catheter tube and insert it into my main artery in my groin. I asked if I could get a hand job while they were down there and was told no. Then they take this tube and just start FEEDING IT INTO MY BODY until it gets to my heart. Once at my heart, they stick this tube INSIDE MY F'N HEART and start taking pictures to show them if there's some left over pork jamming up an artery or not.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

1 in 10,000 people die from this procedure.

I asked how successful their ratio was. The nurse said they'd done 9,997 of these in the history of the hospital and everyone turned out just fine.

(Gulp)

I called my parents and sisters to talk to them about it last night. My parents informed me that they had BOTH had it done, in fact, Dad has it done once a year.

Great. I guess it pays to pay attention to your parents when they describe these things like going to the doctor and having tubes shoved in their hearts for future reference. I told the doctor that my family had no history of heart problems. The way I look at it, when Dad starts to tell me what happened at the doctor's office, I've always tuned him out because...hey....he's still alive. I don't care if he's got a little heartburn...you're ALIVE Jack!

So now I know my family has a history of heart problems and I'm just another victim.

I'm not scared to do this. I think it's odd that I'll be awake while they operate on me. They're diddling inside there while I'll be singing "Quit Playing Games With My Heart" to break the tension in the air.

Dad says that the worst part is they make you lie perfectly still afterwards for four hours, which just about killed him. He's a very active guy for his age and doesn't like to just lay there like a sloth doing nothing.

Me on the other hand...that's second nature to my butt.

The one thing that really upsets me is that this is yet ANOTHER time that I'll have to be away from my new job, which can't look that good.

I've lost track of all the times I've gone to one doctor or another in the past two months. I think I figured out it was something like nine times in the last 60 days. The bosses are sympathetic to my needs and have told me to take whatever time I need for doctor's appointments (even the evil boss Wendigo has been very understanding. She still sighs every time I walk in her office, knowing that I've got yet ANOTHER doctor's appointment for her to write on her calendar that she bought especially to keep up with my doctor's appointments. BUT...she's understanding.)

And she's been dreaming about me lately too, as you'll see if you click the above link. She now joins Trinity 63 in the list of women having really weird dreams about me that don't include any sex.

Well...in Trin's there's kinda sorta sex. But it ain't heterosexual.

Soooo...there you go. Your old Uncle Bob has an abnormal ticker.

And now it's time for YOUR lecture.

Quit smoking. Don't smoke cigs, grass, weed, crack or cigars. Stop it IMMEDIATELY.

Lay off the pork, Tubby. Not only is your heart complaining, but the pigs at the farm have declared you as Public Enemy Number One.

Exercise, you cow. Walk 20 minutes a day. If you can't do it in your neighborhood, drop by the mall at the same time each day and walk around the inside of it twice. Lunch hours are perfect for this and you get to window shop at a brisk pace while you're doing it.

Above all...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

There's no need for us all to be like me. Let me be the example. Learn from my mistakes. I'm diabetic with heart problems and I'm not even 40 yet.

Ironically, when I'm 40, I should be in the best shape of my life.

Go figure.

Sooooo...I'm being honored by the American Cancer Society tonight for my contributions this year.

They're having a banquet for four of us who raised over $10 grand.

I feel kinda silly doing this. All I really want is whatever plaque they give me to hang on my office wall. I don't need no plate of roast beef to help clog up my arteries even more or a standing ovation from a bunch of people that I don't know.

I hope they all start hollering "Speech! Speech!" when I get up there. Because I plan on puntuating it with as much vulgarities as possible.

Not really. I actually hope I don't have to make a speech. My head's not in the right place to do it. I feel confident that I'd start talking about diabetes and heart problems while all these people associated with cancer stared daggers at me thinking "How dare that fat bastard have diabetes and heart problems and NOT cancer!"

Hey...my life ain't up yet, folks. I'm sure that's on the menu as well, eventually.

Welllllll....have I spread ENOUGH good cheer this morning?

Tee hee.

Seriously...I'm going to be okay. Even if there is blockage, they can fix it (hopefully) and they will have gotten it quick enough to help me avoid any heart attacks and to live a long and normal life.

I'm actually kinda jazzed about this. I really am.

OH!

And my blood sugar...as of yesterday ... is NORMAL!!!

I went from having a level of 233 a month ago....to 108 yesterday. Anything in the range of 70 to 110 is normal.

And I did this in less than a month.

I was so excited and happy, I celebrated with a peanut buster parfait from Dairy Queen.

This morning...back up to 212.

*sigh*

That damned Dairy Queen and her delicious creamy treats!