I'M IN DIRE NEED OF SOME JACKASS REPELLANT SPRAY

I'm pumped!

Do I seem pumped?!

I mean, the exclamation points! They should be a dead giveaway as to my level of pumpedness!!

I just got my travel agenda for my trip to the hustle and bustle of Eugene, Oregon. It's just kinda cool to see where all I'll be going. Which...you know...isn't much. But I'm STILL PUMPED!

I leave here and fly to Charlotte N.C. I have a two and a half hour layover there.

Then I fly for five hours to Seattle, Washington! I better get some sleep on that five hour flight because I don't wanna be (say it with me here folks...) SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Hoooo boy!

(Uncle Bob wipes a tear of laughter from his eye and fights to regain his composure)

At that point, I have an hour and a half layover in the ummmmmm...well ... what's the nickname for Seattle? "The Slacker City"? "The Birthplace of Grunge?" "The Bigger Than Spokane City"?

Anyway...I make it into Eugene at 10:18 p.m. That will be 12:18 a.m. my time, meaning I'll have travelled for 12 hours and 18 minutes.

That's if no jackass gets on the flight with a bomb up his ass.

Which...you know these jackasses...they don't care if their ass has a bomb in it or not.

Damned jackasses.

They just saunter into my precious little diary entry and take it over with their glumness.

I was pumped there for a minute!

Now I'm all pissed about jackasses.

I need some sort of medication.

Constantly.

I was looking at all my departure and arrival times and noticed that while my flight to Seattle only took about three hours, it took SEVEN hours to fly back.

This concerned me. Almost to the point where I went to the girl who handles our travel agendas here at the office and said "This can't be right".

Then I remembered the time change.

Just as I was about to step into her office.

I quickly sidestepped her office and kept walking down the hallway, impressed with my brilliant deduction skills.

Have I mentioned how I've always loved to fly?

My first flight was when I was 13. We flew from Peoria, Illinois to somewhere in Germany. I remember flying over the ocean, the cabin dark except for a few overhead lights. People were snoring away. And I was awake, just taking it all in.

Eventually, we flew back to the states. Then back to Europe. Then back to the states.

Then I didn't fly for about 20 more years. Gosh, how my jones for flying kicked in. I belonged in the sky, dammit! I deserved to be eating peanuts out of a little tinfoil baggie and drinking free soft drinks. It was my God-given right to please extinguish all cigarettes and return my tray to an upright position.

Then...Grandma died a few years ago.

In Illinois.

HOT DAMN! IT'S FLYING TIME AGAIN!!!

I kissed Susie goodbye, got on one of those little puddle jumper planes that hold about four people and a donkey comfortably and took off into the wild blue yonder.

The whole plane trip probably took about an hour and a half. But I was in Heaven for those 90 minutes.

And then ... the jackasses started coming out of the woodwork. Blowing planes up. Flying them into buildings and Pentagons and getting into fights with passengers and just letting the planes plunge into fields.

Damned jackasses.

Why must they keep popping their evil heads up and ruining this diary entry?

Anybody see "Ed" last night besides me?

A brief explanation here. I recap the show for Mighty Big TV. Most of us here already know that and quite frankly, are sick of having me remind them of it each and every week.

Lots of those Hollywood TV people read MBTV to see what we write about their shows. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but the casting director for "Ed" reads my recaps faithfully and "says" she loves me and is a fan "forever".

If that's the case, hire me and lemme write the show, Bonnie.

Anyway ... several of the other shows recapped on MBTV have noticed on occasion that the writers of the shows we recap will throw out thinly-veiled shout outs to us recappers. Honestly, I can't remember which ones have actually had the shout-outs done, but I know it has been done.

So last night on Ed, there was a character named BOB. Bob lived with his UNCLE. And BOB who lived with his UNCLEwrote for the INTERNET.

I mean...HELLOOOO??

When this little revelation unfolded on my television screen, I casually waved at the screen to acknowledge the shout out.

Whether its coincidence, a vivid imagination or an actual acknowledgement of the show's writers to me, I don't know.

But I'm looking at it as a shout out.

Now ... if Nicole Kidman could just quit sending me these subliminal messages in her movies that she wants me to bonk her silly, I may be able to enjoy life a bit more.

Don't forget..."SURVIVOR FINALE" tonight!!!

My pick is Big Tom to win it. I feel confident that Ethan will win it though. But I'd rather see Big Tom win because he'd be funnier to watch when they give him the check.

It should be a pretty interesting episode, really.

That is ... if the jackasses can contain themselves long enough from blowing anything up so that the show can actually air.

Rabble scrabble jackasses...