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5:02 a.m. - 2001-04-30


I slept all day yesterday.

When I wasn't sleeping, I was moaning and staring off into space WISHING I was sleeping.

Skipped church. Yep. I'm going to hell alright.

Speaking of church, my church had a very nice full page story written about it in the paper this weekend. Of course, it made us sound like a bunch of freaks.

And here's the deal. In the past, I've gotten a few emails that basically said how can I be a regular church goer and still come on here and cuss like a sailor?


Basically, here's the deal. In our church we believe in one thing...Jesus Christ. Other than that, we are free to believe in whatever we want. Pro-choice or pro-life. Pro-gambling or no-gambling ... the whole bit.

It's called "Individual Interpretation of the Bible".

So here's MY interpretation: As long as I'm a good guy who helps his fellow man when I can, what's a few curse words? I don't drink, smoke, drug, cheat, steal, lie or kill. I curse. I treat everyone with respect in real life. I'm kind, generous and thoughtful. I wear daffodils in my hair and prance around in flower gardens singing "Jesus Loves Me" until the cops show up and shackle me.

That's my interpretation, dude. So I ain't doing NOTHING wrong according to my religion.

So nyah, nyah, nyah.

Oh. And fuck you too.

I read an article yesterday that said the 80s were coming back in style.


Style is based on a 20 year circle. Wait 20 years, and your clothes will be back in style.

Well guess what, kids? I never fell for those 90s styles. I have stuck with the 80s styles since the 80s.

So now I'm stylish again.

Ask anyone I know to describe my average day of dress.

Button-down oxford shirt.


Docksider shoes. Preferably no socks.

Dark blazer.

I mean...that's ME! And now I'm stylish!!


Joe Style, bay-beeee!

I was going to count all my Big Rat money yesterday, but shit...there's a ton of it.

I've got four bank bags, one full of checks, one full of cash, one full of change and one with a little of everything.

Plus, I have a ten pound bag of pennies in the van donated by a lady at work.

I had a dream last night that the boss called his millionaire buddy and he pledged $100,000 to me, making me the Biggest Rat of all time.

That ain't gonna happen. The guy might pledge $1,000 which STILL wouldn't get me to the top.

...rabble scrabble contests ...

Susie made tacos for dinner last night. This basically marked the first time I had actually had "a meal" since Thursday night. I've eaten pudding and drank water since Thursday, due to my throat being slashed open by ulcers.

I took a few bites of the taco and ran to the bathroom, dry heaving.

My tummy wasn't ready for it.

I didn't puke ... which Susie took as a compliment.

But man ... I thought I was about to hitchhike over to Hurl City.

The sun's beginning to come up ... I need to go squirt a hornet's nest. Yer s'posed to do it either at dark or at dawn. I woulda done it last night in the dark, but I wouldn't be able to see the bastard if he buzzed over and stung me in the eye. So I'm doing it now. BRB.

Hot Shot Wasp Killer.

Kills Hornets...DEAD.

Christ, I hope so. Don't need no pissed-off, STUNNED hornets swarming around my house.

FINALLY made Andy laugh last night, because I found his tickle spot.

Underneath his rib cage on his right side...the kid can't STAND to be tickled there. He laughs like a little girl. IT'S SO COOOOOL!!

So for my own amusement, I tickled the shit out of him until he started to cry.



That's about it from here. I still feel lousy as hell, but my throat is clearing up which was my major concern for the last seven days. If I can get that cleared up, I can deal with the dizziness, the nausea, the sweating, the congestion, the constipation (uh-huh) and all the rest.

Just gimme my throat back.

Because people NEED to hear what I have to say.

Because I'm the most important person in the universe and I have interesting things to say.

And people hang on my every word going "What word is he going to utter next?"


That's the ticket.

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