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5:08 a.m. - 2001-05-03


This is going to have to be short...which means it'll probably turn out long.

Instead of writing my "Ed" recap last night, I played with the baby. That was wrong. Very wrong. There comes a time for work and a time for play, and the baby's going to have to understand that. I can't be down on the floor, tickling him and showing him where his nose is when I've got stuff to write that's going to put toys in his tiny little fists, dammit.

The nerve of that baby...

Anyway ... I've got to at LEAST start working on "Ed" this morning, if I don't finish it completely.

I do.

And I will.

I promise.

Had an interesting day off yesterday.

At first, I spent it getting that "plenty of bedrest" that Dr. ChammyWhammyDingDong recommended that I get.

Then ... I did something horrible. Something that made me feel like less of a man. Something that should just stay a dark, dark secret in my soul and not be shared with you guys.

But I'll share it anyway.

I watched a Sandra Bullock movie.

(Uncle Bob raises his arms to protect his face from the flying cabbage lobbed his way)

I didn't MEAN to ... it just happened.

It was a movie called "28 Days" where she's an alcoholic writer who goes into rehab. I was flipping around the stations and caught the opening credits and saw "Steve Buscemi" who I thought was dead, so I thought..."Well shit, Martha. Let's see how good a dead guy can do."

And the movie unfurled.

And I grabbed a blanket and a Coke.

And some Kleenex. Not for crying... just in case she was to get naked in the film.

No nudity. I think Sandy has a clause in all her contracts for no nudity. She must have a third breast or something.

But that damned movie SUCKED me right in and before I knew it, I was actually CARING about the characters.


I spent my day off watching a chick flick. Sue me.

About noonish, Mattie Gee called wanting to know if I wanted to get some lunch. Roughly translated ... wanna put some clothes on and leave your house?

Against my better judgement...I went.

We went to King Buffet, a Chinese buffet here in town.

I saw my doctor, Dr. ChammyWhammoSlinkyDog there. I walked up to him and said "Dr. Chammywammo...what are you doing putting sesame chicken in a hot pan? I thought you were a doctor."

He cursed me in Chinese and walked away.

It wasn't Dr. ChammyWammy. It was some computer science student working his way through college.

Then I get home and check my email.

Man...there's a lot of paranoid people out there. I had 11 emails from people who read this diary who thought I was talking about them here yesterday.

Only one person was on the money because he was the person I was talking about. And his is the only email I answered.

So for about an hour, we emailed back and forth, calling each other "Asshole". That was about as fun as putting a rock under your genitalia and banging on them with another rock. Then we started calming down and apologized for the stupid crap we'd written. I've known this guy for a while and it was wrong for me to not take the shit to him personally.

Anyway, we made amends.

Of course...the fun didn't stop there. More emails kept pouring in from other people who were either pissed at me or scared they'd pissed me off for some reason.

I think I cleared everyone via return email. So you should all be happy when you wake up this morning and check yer email boxes.

But probably already know that...huh?

I picked Andy up from day care early yesterday, because every now and then I like to do that. It catches the daycare people off guard and you can see if they're sticking toothpicks in his ass during the day, because some daycare people can be sick bastards.

No toothpicks. He was laying on a blanket on the floor, watching the lady's parrot in its cage.

So I snatched him up and we went to visit an old place I used to work at. THE BIG RUMOR OF THE old boss from there is looking into buying the paper I currently work at. This would be pretty cool, because I really like my old boss and respect him immensely and I doubt he'd fire me if he bought the paper because he's friends of the family.

I'm hoping he buys it.

Praying he buys it.


Okay ... right off the bat, I DIDN'T MAKE THIS JOKE UP.

But I found it to be one of the most offensive jokes I've heard in quite some time and thought I'd share it with you, just to ruffle some feathers.

I heard it on "The Man Show" the other night, and when I heard it, I was shocked at how mean and cruel it was.

Which made me laugh even harder.


Q: Why do big-boned girls give better head?

A: Because they have to.

I know...I know...I'm going to Diaryland Hell for laughing at that one. But if you were a guy, you'd understand.

Tonight's the "Biggest Rat" victory party.

I lost so damned bad, I'll be shocked they don't cast stones upon me as I walk in the door.

Yesterday's paper had a quick news blurb that one of my competitors received a $10,000 donation to her campaign from the ladies in her little club.

I didn't even MAKE $10,000. Well, I did before expenses. After

So she's got to be in the top three winners at least. It'll be interesting (for me...not you) to find out who won.

I may share the results with you tomorrow.

Maybe not.

We'll see.

I'm going to work sometime today. In the past week, I've been in the office 15 hours and 12 of those hours were this past Tuesday. So's probably about time I went back in.

I'm over this whole bronchitis thing except for the constant fatigue. Damn...I'm one tired little bitch most of the day. If I had my choice of sex or sleep ... hand me a pillow, Sam 'cos I'm konking out.

With that said...I'm gonna go lay down with the baby and see if we can get some beauty rest.

It's obviously worked for him.

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