LARS ULRICH ... YOU DEAD MEAT, SON...

Keeeerist ... my head hurts. I really need to go see a doctor. Nobody should wake up with a splitting headache every time they wake up, should they???

Schmez?? You work in the medical field...you da closest thing I have to a personal doctor...talk to me, seestah...

So anyway...yeah...bad day yesterday.

First...FUCKING METALLICA gets their grubby little wish and wins a TEMPORARY close-down of my beloved Napster.

Fair warning, Lars Fucking Ulrich...cross Uncle Bob's path and I will thrash your puny ass like a garbage disposal, dude.

How DARE YOU take away my hobby?? Hmmmm?? How FUCKING dare you???

Sorry...it might be the headache talking...but I DO hate that little bastard and his shitty band now.

I mean...I can survive without Napster. I may resort to eating rats on a deserted island, but DAMMIT...I WILL SURVIVE!!!

(Piano intro. Single spotlight falls on Uncle Bob, sitting center stage on a stool with a cigarette and a martini in his hands)

"First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. Then Lars Ulrich came along and did my thinking for me...

...AND NOW MY FUCKING NAPSTER IS GONE, YOU FUCKING LITTLE SCANDINAVIAN BEEEEEYOTCH!!!"

Actually...Napster's still up and running as of 5:13 a.m.

...And I've been downloading shit like a mofo all night long, dude.

Errrrr...dudette, if the situation calls for it.

Anyway...I'll survive. But hey...free music is a dream come true for a vintage rock and roller such as myself. It was fun while the ride lasted, I guess...and I've got 1,600 songs to listen to whenever I want.

...Unless Lars Fuckin' Ulrich finds a way to steal THOSE from my music-loving ass as well...

That prick. I wanna go to a Metallica concert just so I can throw cherry bombs on stage and try to make Lars piss himself or burn James Hetfield one more time.

...Pricks...

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THEN...THEN...THEN....

As if losing my Napster wasn't enough ... THEY FUCKING KICK JENNA OFF OF "SURVIVOR" LAST NIGHT!!!

Yes...I had a teeny weeny crush on Jenna...I can now admit the shit...

But Jenna was the only one worth looking at. You have Sue...the truck driving New Yawker or Jersey or wherever the fuck she's from. She's about as sexually appealing as a muddy pig's ass.

Then Colleen ... nice girl ... if you like nice girls that look like a horse has kicked them in the face.

Kelly ... who does NOTHING for me.

And Jenna.

Ahhhhhh...Jenna.

Y'know...if Jenna was on a show like "Friends" or something, I probably wouldn't give her a second glance.

But she's the hottest babe on a deserted island. For God's sakes, men...at LEAST keep her around for eye candy.

...Did you know I invented the term "eye candy"??

It's true. It's true.

I also invented "ear candy". I have the trademark papers and everything.

Well...not really. No papers. Can't even really prove I invented the terms. But...I could swear I invented them.

Anyway...when that last vote came up and it was for Jenna...I just wanted to cry.

First Napster...now Jenna.

IS THERE ANY FUCKING REASON TO GO ON WITH LIFE?!?!?

Jenna...babe...if I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars) I'd buy your kids a nice education, and you a nice house and some makeup and make you my mistress, babe.

I just wanna hold her.

Maybe give her one of Uncle Bob's "Special" hugs.

That's all.

I wonder who all she poked on the island??

Think old man Rudy nailed her??

If she did nail him ... all bets are off.

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My God...you people came to the freakin' rescue when I asked for some suggestions for "Songs To Ruin Any Wedding Reception Volume I" . If you click on that link, you MAY see some of your suggestions show up there.

Then I wake up this morning, and there's at LEAST two more volumes worth of suggested songs in my email box and guestbook.

Songs I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN about.

You people RAWK MY ASS!!!!

If we ever meet in real life, I have a special hug waiting for each and every one of you.

Really.

No shit.

A special hug.

Which...in my vernacular...a "special hug" means a little hard-on thrown in for good measure.

A "little" hard-on.

Heh.

I kill me.

Anywhoooo...I am SOOOOO proud of this "Wedding Reception" disc. It's sooooo offensive, yet so listenable.

God, I love you people. I bet Lars Ulrich doesn't have pals like you guys.

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It's time to address something that's been bothering me for some time now. It's a situation that wasn't so bad at first, but it's beginning to snowball now and I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Kids....

I am NOT Brad Pitt.

I am starting to get WAYYYY too many emails asking if I am the GENIUS behind the diary of Brad Pitt.

No.

I am not.

"But you admitted you wrote it," some of you diehard Diarylanders will argue.

Fuck.

I've also admitted I was behind the diaries of Anenigma, Dlove, and Batman as well.

If I find a great diary that makes me jealous that I didn't write it...damned skippy I'm going to take responsibility for it. It's up to the person ACTUALLY writing it to convince you people otherwise.

Shit. I'd admit I was behind the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby if that would make more people read this shit.

Point blank...I write TWO diaries every day. This one and the One Where I Was An Ignorant 18-Year-Old Loser diary.

That's it.

"But...but...but....your style is so much like Brad Pitt's style," you will try to argue, desperately clinging to any shred of investigative integrity you may still possess.

Why?? Because we both type sentences instead of paragraphs???

Shit...it's easier to read that way. I mean...I'm sorry...but I can't read diaries that are all one big long paragraph with no breaks.

Gives me a freakin' headache like I just woke up or something.

Plus...didn't Brad Pitt used to write without using capital letters??

I mean...C'MON....I've ALWAYS use caps.

ALWAYS.

THAT should be enough of a dead giveaway to prove that I'm not Brad Pitt. The whole "caps" issue.

I mean...I talk a TON of shit in this diary.

A TON.

While most of it has a shred of truth behind it, DO NOT take everything I say literally.

If I say I want to thrash Lars Ulrich...don't stay tuned to CNN for a report on Lars being thrashed and hope to see me grinning and waving at the cameras while I'm being handcuffed and hauled away.

If I say I want to hump Jenna from "Survivor" ... don't watch "Entertainment Tonight" to see me flitting around Hollywood with Jenna on my arm and cocaine residue on my upper lip.

And if I say I'm behind Brad Pitt's diary ... don't go spreading rumors that I'm....uhhhh....behind Brad Pitt's diary.

I feel ... no....I'm SURE .... NO....I'M POSITIVE ... that whoever's behind Brad Pitt's diary (if it is NOT the actual man himself)would like to stay anonymous and sit back and watch everyone just simply enjoy the diary for what it is ... a parody of a diary written by a "person" that has name recognition that can use celebrities in his diary that people can visualize in crazy and unpredictable situations in an attempt to bring a few smiles to a few faces out there in Diaryland.

That's all.

I'm SURE of it.

There.

That should satisfy the Pittheads.

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My foot quit bleeding. Thanks for asking.

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ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY:

OLD MAN: "Good morning! Gonna be a hot one today!"

ME: "Yep."

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