(Uncle Bob's Diary is a diary written solely for adults. If you are not an adult, you won't have fun here. I talk a lot about doing your taxes and angioplasty surgery. If you are under the age of 18, and "get" Bob...you can stay but, calling a spade a spade here, you make me nervous. I wouldn't want my kids reading this diary...and I don't think your parents would appreciate you reading this diary either. I will NOT be held responsible for the downfall of America's youth. Thank yewwwwww.)

LAUGHS A' PLENTY

I wanna party with this chick .

This is one of those entries where I don't have much to say at first but will probably snowball into some sort of diatribe against mankind by the end.

Well...called Mom and Dad and left a message on their machine that the Ultrasound went fine.

A few minutes later, my sister Kristi called.

She's all excited about being an aunt. The only nephew and niece we have on our side both belong to my bitch-assed sister, Julie, who we both hate.

Hey? Wanna talk about my sisters??

YOU: "Sure Uncle Bob...why not? You've bored us to sleep with your poetry and masturbation techniques in the past...bring on the sisters!!"

(Bob whips his head around with a puzzled look on his face)

...How'd YOU get in here??

Anyway...my sisters ...

I was born first...three years later, Julie was born. Four years after her, Kristi was born.

At first, everything was cool between Julie and I. I don't remember much, but we didn't fight much, I remember that.

When Kristi came along ... Julie changed into a demon child.

And this was wayyyy before Ritalin or any of that crap. If you had a demon child, you just spanked it a lot and prayed it wouldn't burn the house down in the middle of the night.

Julie did not adapt to this "middle child" role well at all. She HATED giving up the baby of the family title to Kristi.

It didn't help that everyone ADORED Kristi. Kristi was a beautiful baby who could do no wrong.

From that point on, Julie was just...evil.

She would constantly defy our parents and just dare them to spank her. I was always in amazement at the lengths she would go to to shock and hurt them.

Okay...this was in the 70s and 80s. She never got a tattoo on her forehead or her eyelids pierced. She DID get pregnant fresh out of high school and against my parents wishes, married the guy who got her knocked up. It produced a beautiful and sweet child ... thank God it took after him and not my sister.

Kristi and I both decided to distance ourselves from Julie. Whenever we let her play with us, we always ended up in trouble.

The last spanking I ever got was when I was 14. We were at my Aunt's house who had four kids of her own.

I was upstairs playing some board game with one of my cousins when Julie comes waltzing into the room completely nude at the age of 11 and refused to put any clothes on around us.

My cousin was enjoying this...I wasn't.

I knew better than to yell at her. That was one thing that drove my parents nuts...yelling in the house.

I asked her very firmly several times to put some clothes on.

She finally started yelling and wouldn't stop.

I remember Dad coming upstairs and not even asking for an explanation. He just started spanking me while Julie ran to put some clothes on.

She was such a little freak like that. Why would a sixth grader be walking around completely naked at someone else's house??

And ME getting punished for it?!?

Trust me...there was no "abuse" going on in our family ... that I know of anyway. The only dysfunction under our roof was Julie. She constantly wanted attention and would go to any lengths to get it.

The last time I saw Julie was Christmas of 1997. For years, she always bowed out of our family tradition of my family spending Christmas together because it was too much hassle to pack up Christmas and cart it across two states for two children.

So in 1997, she decided to have Christmas at her new perfect Martha Stewart house in Nashville.

We drove up Christmas Eve and spent all day Christmas there.

Our niece Kali wanted to go see "Titanic" Christmas afternoon, so Kali, me, my wife Susie and sister Kristi (the good sister) went to the movie.

Did you see that movie?? Not too many people did...it was a box office bomb...but I kinda liked it. The ending was hilarious!!

Anyway...if you want movie reviews go elsewhere...this is "Bitch At My Psycho Sister" Day.

So we get home from the movie at about 8:00 and Kristi and Susie are a little hungry and want a turkey sandwich.

Mom and Dad leave to go back to their hotel room (smart move).

After they get through making their sandwiches and eating, they come out to the den and begin watching TV.

Julie...who seemed pissed anyway but was really just "suburban wife drunk" ... got up and went to the kitchen to find a dirty knife in the sink.

She went ballistic.

Way over the line for a knife in the sink.

Apparently, she had "slaved all day" in the kitchen and we had the disrespect to leave a mayonnaised-covered knife in "her" sink??

Freak.

She was basically yelling at my sister, who began crying hysterically, making Julie yell more.

Susie started yelling at Julie (they have NEVER gotten along) and Susie got up, went to the sink and scrubbed that knife like it had never been scrubbed before.

Then it got ugly and personal. I'll be honest...I don't remember much of what was said. I know Susie finally involved herself in the argument after keeping quiet for 10 years and she was loving every minute of it.

And Julie's husband Ken jumped in as well and took out a little verbal aggression on my little sister, which pissed me off.

Kristi was up in our bedroom crying and I opened the door, went in there and said "Do you want to go home right now? Because I'll drive us all the way home now."

"Yes."

We packed up our bags while my poor niece who was....12 I guess and my nephew who was 3 laid in bed together and cried.

That really broke my heart. As badly as Susie and I wanted kids at that point, it killed me to have to say goodbye to my niece and nephew in that situation. I wanted to just grab them both and promise them a better home if they came with me.

And I have a feeling they would have.

Hell...I have 5,000 toys in my home...I know damned good and well they would have.

I never yelled once. I have no temper to speak of really...I do get irritated at other drivers on the road, but I'd never act on it.

But when we left I had a few words for my sister in her garage as she begged us to stay. The one thing I told Julie as I walked out with the last suitcase was "Your drinking has ruined yet another Christmas."

We stopped and saw my parents at their room and Susie, Kristi and me all cried like little kids. We just couldn't take it anymore and poured it out at our parents.

I was 35 and just a boo, hoo, hooing over my sister's weirdness. It was the first time Susie had ever seen me cry. But it was 30 years of aggression built up.

Mom and Dad begged us to not drive, that they would get us hotel rooms and we could sleep it off there. The three of us declined and knew we were so wound up we wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so we were driving home.

We haven't seen them since. It sucks to have to go without seeing my nephew and niece but neither my wife or I can stand to see my sister and her husband to this day.

God. Well...there ya go.

A serious entry for a change.

I didn't write this for therapeutic reasons. I don't need advice, praise or reprimands for doing this. Everyone is quite content in our lives right now.

Oh...after talking to Kristi, I called Julie last night to tell her everything was alright with the baby. We talked for fifteen minutes and then I talked to my niece for ten minutes.

My niece has a boyfriend. That tripped me out.

They grow up so fast...

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY:

I'm still in a dancing mood...let's all download Groove Armada's "I See You Baby" and dance around the room at noon.