Greetings.

ANDY THROWS A PARTY AND MY LUCKY ASS IS INVITED

I'm tired, so bear with me.

Andy got it into his tiny little head last night that HE didn't want to go to sleep, HE wanted to stay up and RAWK OUT, DAD!!!

I went to bed at 10, leaving Susie and Andy out in the den. Andy was pretending to fall asleep.

At 11 p.m., I'm awaken by Andy, babbling quite loudly in his crib to Pooh, Tigger and Eeyore.

Apparently, Andy was trying to get the Pooh gang to stay up and party with him. They wanted none of his shenanigans, and just sat there, staring at him blankly.

So he called me up.

"DAD!" he screamed. "Get yo' big ass in here!! I wanna stay up and have my ass patted for a while!!"

So I got up, went in his room and patted his ass for a while.

He just kept rolling around in his crib, grinning from ear to ear.

It woulda been cute if I wasn't so exhausted.

So I gave him some nighttime Baby Orajel. Smear this crap on his gums and he's out like a light.

I don't know what he was on ... but the Orajel didn't work.

So I take him out of his crib, we get in his glider and I sing "Rock-A-Bye Baby" which is usually the shits when it's time to get the boy to pass out.

He just grinned at me.

Alright then. Mama's turn.

So Mama got up with him as I went back to bed. I suggested Mama nurse him a bit more until he fell asleep.

So what's Mama do at 11:30 at night INSTEAD of nurse him?

She takes him out to his activity mat that was created to STIMULATE the baby.

"Stimulate" meaning "Wake the baby's ass up GOOD".

So at 12:30, I'm awaken once again by Andy chattering loudly to the toys on his activity mat.

I suggested...no...I TOLD Susie to take him to bed, nurse him in bed and he'd pass out.

Susie didn't want to do it, but she was at the end of her rope too.

So she did it. Two minutes later, the kid was OUT.

So my ass is dragging this morning.

Meanwhile, he's sound asleep in my bed with a sleepy grin plastered on his face.

Rotten damned kid.

So yesterday, I was a celebrity escort in the annual Goodwill fashion show.

Basically, I would walk an employee to the catwalk arm in arm, wait for her to strut her stuff, and then walk her back to the dressing room.

Each of the employees was handicapped in some way. Most of them mentally, some physically.

The situation would make for excellent mean-spirited humor here this morning. I could talk about how one of the models tried to eat the lips off my face. Or how another didn't have an arm for me to walk her out with, so I grabbed a leg.

But hey ... this ain't your daddy's Uncle Bob.

I'm starting to get ... feelings.

And dare I say ... compassion for my fellow man.

I know.

I should be shot.

How dare Uncle Bob lose his edge when it comes time to make fun of the less fortunate?

Hey ... blame old age, fatherhood and the influence of the church.

Not me.

Drunk-assed Jamie's (TM) brother Jeremy is flying into town for the weekend today.

Jeremy is really the coolest guy in his family. Drunk-assed Jamie is okay in a pinch...but Jeremy just exudes "cool".

He's coming into town for a wedding and I'm hoping he has time to hang out with his old buds while he's here.

Or at least...me and my old buds.

We'll see.

Is it just me or is Steve Buscemi one twisted, twisted fuck??

My house is probably the messiest that it's ever been ever.

I want to try and clean it up this weekend, but I have a full agenda.

Today...take the dog to the groomers and have her shaved for the summer. At least we won't have shedded fur everywhere.

Tonight...one of two things...either attend a press conference where the Mayor is going to reveal plans for a new Riverfront area of town that (hopefully) will be home to a bunch of nightclubs and restaurants and an IMAX theatre and a new sports stadium.

ORRR...go rawk out to The Spicolis at the Brew Pub. Mattie Gee actually wanted us to come out TOMORROW night to hear the band, but with Jeremy in town, we may all go down there tonight.

TOMORROW....jeez louise...I'm busy.

1) Mow the yard.

2) Write my "Ed" recap for MBTV.

3) Watch Andy while Mama goes to a meeting.

4) Go to church and help prepare Mother's Day dinner for 180 people on Sunday.

5) And go see Mattie Gee's band if I don't see them tonight.

SUNDAY...

1) Wish Susie an official "Happy Mother's Day" since she's never had one when she was actually a mother.

2) Go to church early and help finish the Mother's Day dinner.

3) Sit through church.

4) Serve Mother's Day Dinner to the congregation.

5) Come home and collapse into a pile of flesh in the front hallway.

I hate busy weekends. Next weekend is even busier and then we're going to North and South Carolina the weekend after that.

I bet I'm dead before June.

That's it. I'm tired...Susie has now overslept by 30 minutes and I have to go jump on the bed and wake both her and Jr. up and ... and...and...I just have stuff to do.

Take care. See ya tomorrow.