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06:42:30 - 2000-03-26


Okay... enough's enough.

I get up this morning and have 11 emails from Pimpin' Fuckin' Cupid saying 11 more of you have crushes on me.

Hardy har har.

This would all be well and good if I was some single, jet-setting playboy from Buenos Aires (where ALL the jet-setting playboys live).

But I'm the cantankerous old Alabama boy that can't even get out from under his wife's thumb long enough to have a beer with the boys, let alone a torrid affair with a much younger babe.




(Loud rumbling heard outside my window as the sky gets dark)

GOD: "What in my name do you want now?"

UNCLE BOB: "Oh ...hey your greatness or whatever. Why did you make me so goshdarned handsome at such a late stage in life? Why wasn't I more sexually attractive when I was younger, lonely, desperate and horny?"

GOD: "You forgot cocky."

UNCLE BOB: "Was I cocky?"

GOD: "For an ugly, desperate guy...yeah. You were mucho cocky."

UNCLE BOB: "Wow. So had I been more humble you woulda taken away the zits, the extra pounds and the low self esteem??"

GOD: " Had you put down the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for a few minutes, you would have done all that YOURSELF. Don't blame ME for your fat, dumpy ass."

UNCLE BOB: "Wow. So you're saying if I had just quit eating candy, I coulda been getting laid in high school like a male prison guard in a female prison with a bag full of amphetamines?"

GOD: (Rolling His eyes) "Duh."

UNCLE BOB: "And all this time I've been cursing you??"

GOD: "Look Bob...contrary to popular belief, I'm NOT a miracle worker. Helen that fence post could work some miracles. Me?? Oh ... I can still muster up a nice flower bed or two in my old age, but please...don't rely on me to make you sexually attractive. Haven't you ever heard of genetics?"

UNCLE BOB: "Gee ... thanks God. I feel ten times better now that we've had this talk."

GOD: "Pschaw...I do what I can."

UNCLE BOB: "So...whatcha doin' later on today? Wanna grab a brew...shoot some pool?"

GOD: "Gee...I'd love to. Unfortunately, I have to love and watch everyone in the world. With the exception of Horsemanure who I have turned over to Beelzebub. That kid's a lost cause."

UNCLE BOB: "I hear ya. Hey ... thanks again. You're God in my eyes."

GOD: "Errrr....thanks."

(The clouds outside my window part and the sun shines brightly through.)

Sooooo....think I might have just bought a one-way ticket to hell??

I sure hope God doesn't have an internet hook-up.

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