WALTER MATTHAU IS DEAD AND I HATE MY INLAWS

ARRRRRRGH!!!!

Another "In-Laws" bash...hope you can take it.

Yesterday was spent ALL DAY, cleaning for these buffoons.

We spent over $200 in groceries for these people.

For TWO freakin' meals.

TWO!!!

Today, we're grilling out hamburgers with potato chips and ice cream for dessert.

We had to buy 20 lbs of hamburger.

WHY???

Well...lemme tell ya a little "family tradition" amongst my in-laws ...

When they get together, Susie's two brothers and oldest nephew have "eating contests".

Whatever is cooked, the three of them try to "out-eat" the other two.

Ha ha. Very cute.

...Unless I'm the one paying for all the food that they're just wasting to try and get a laugh out of everyone else.

The taco incident comes to mind for me.

A few years back, Susie's lazy, good-for-absolutely-nothing brother Larry decides that he and our nephew Brian are going to have a Taco eating contest.

Larry ate 16 tacos at one sitting.

Sixteen fucking tacos. I was praying the dumb bastard would explode.

He didn't even win the damned thing. Brian, our nephew, ate 24 tacos.

That's right. It's no exaggeration, it's family fact. Twenty-four fucking tacos.

Guess who footed the bill in this cavalcade of gluttony??

That's right...moi.

Sure...we were PLANNING on having tacos two more times during the week (this family LOVES their tacos), but those plans were scrapped so Dumb and Dumber could hold their little contest.

Of course, all the wives, mothers, brothers and cousins were cheering whoever they wanted to win on.

Sadly...Larry's about as well-liked in this family as Dylan Klebold was at Columbine. Apparently, I'm not the only one who wants to see him choke on a taco.

So today, I have to make 40 hamburgers for 14 people. Because Larry, Brian and David (Susie's other brother) will starve themselves all day for "bragging right" to most hamburgers eaten.

These fucking low-lifes who can't afford to pay their bills or buy real Coca-Cola (they always have that generic shit that tastes like watered-down moose diarrhea)wait until us "rich folk" cook for their panhandling asses.

When I was growing up, my parents taught me to not be a gluttonous pig when going to someone else's house for dinner.

These people are ENCOURAGED to act like human garbage disposals. I just want to turn to Susie's mom and say "Why did you encourage this type of behavior, you fucking smoke stack??"

Since I don't handle the money in our house, I can't get too upset about the $200+ grocery bill. Susie took it all in stride. It's a small price to pay to see her sister in her book, and that's cool, I guess.

Still...I have to give up my freedom around the house as her sister and boys move in from today until Friday.

One of the other things that just REALLY irritates me is how these nephews of ours stay up until 3-4 a.m. watching movies or playing video games every night and then sleep all day the next day.

THEN by noon, you're begging and pleading with these kids to get up ... and they just lay there.

Y'see...this is an almost normal work week for me. I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday, but the rest of the week is normal.

I USED TO tiptoe around at 7 a.m. and try not to wake these little heathens up.

These days...all bets are off. In MY HOUSE, you go to bed at a decent hour and you get up at a decent hour. None of this "Ohhhh...the boys are on summer vacation, let them stay up..." bullshit.

Fuck me running. Staying up is one thing. Leaving the TV blaring until 3 a.m. every night is another and then taking up every square inch of my den by sleeping all day is yet afuckingnother.

I have to remember to remove the bookmarks for this site. Because as soon as these kids see the computer, they'll be on it downloading whatever porn sites they can get their grubby little hands on. And when they see "Uncle Bob's Diary O' Fun" they MAY take a gander at it. Who knows?

Then again, if they read all this and the previous entries and told their mom about it, maybe she'd start crying and they'd all go back to Texas. And the family that lives here would never come by again and try to literally eat me out of house and home.

...And break every g-damned thing I own...

A man can dream, can't he??

Okay quickly...even though I basically ruined the story the other day...here's the story on just what slobs my in-laws are.

First off, I do NOT go over to my in-laws house which is about 15 miles away, unless I absolutely have to.

Susie's brother David married a former mental case named Blanca. Blanca was in a looney bin for a few years after having a nervous breakdown of major proportions. I have no idea what the details are, because the only person who's ever spoken about it is Susie's mom, the grand matriarch of this bizarre brood.

Blanca is the WORST housekeeper you will ever see. A few years ago, Susie and I were in charge of taking care of their rabbit while they went on vacation.

I NEVER go back to the back of the house where the bedrooms are. I usually find a semi-clean place to sit down in the den and don't get up until it's time to leave because it took such effort to wade through the shit to get to a clean seat.

We went back to the bedrooms (Susie's insistance) to see how bad they really were.

I wanted to puke.

David and Blanca's bedroom had boxes and magazines and crap LITERALLY stacked to the ceiling in the whole room. They had formed a path from the door to the bed to the bathroom. Everything else was teetering on top of each other.

I was shocked. When I describe all this, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. Shit was literally piled on top of each other to the ceiling everywhere you turned.

The kids' bedrooms hadn't been cleaned in years.

YEARS.

Empty generic Moose Diarrhea cans everywhere ... clothes all over the floor ... broken toys that hadn't been played with in years strung all over the floor.

In their utility rooms, bags of garbage were neatly stacked on top of each other.

Yes...garbage. Because they're too g-damned lazy to take the garbage to the curb, they just put it in the utility room.

The stench was overpowering.

The kitchen...well...I didn't even KNOW they had a kitchen table. It's stacked so high with shit that they've NEVER eaten at it. The whole family finds a spot on the couch three times a day and eats there and watches Mom's soap operas all day.

Blanca is addicted to soap operas. And she gets QUITE PISSED when her characters are going through some kind of crisis. She always says "It's not fair."

*SNAP**SNAP*...Blanca...come back to reality...they're actors...it's a fucking TV show. Get up off your lazy fat ass and clean your fucking house, you fucking mentally-imbalanced cow.

The Texas bunch USED to spend the week at David and Blanca's. But a year ago, Blanca decided nobody but her immediate family could come in the house because she was "too embarrassed" over how filthy it had gotten.

The last time I saw the inside of the house was last summer. You literally couldn't move inside of it. The living room was so full of shit that you couldn't get in there...they hadn't cleared a path in there.

I told you about the 18-month old Christmas tree story when the spiders finally got sick of living in such a hell hole and THEY tried to leave unsuccessfully. Spiders crawling all over the floor and walls is what prompted my brother-in-law to decide to take the Christmas tree to the curb in June ... 18 months after buying the damned thing.

You know your house is pretty filthy when the spiders want out.

Susie and I have seriously debated on reporting them to authorities. No kids should have to live in such filth.

But...it's her family and she can't bring herself to do it. But I KNOW if the authorities ever came by there, they'd take those kids away and condemn the house.

After our yard sale a few weeks, ago, it inspired Blanca to start her own yard sale.

She packed up two boxes of shit. Then she just gave up, sat down, and watched "General Hospital".

There's a lesson to be learned here, kids...and it's the same damned lesson I tried to teach you the other day...

MEET EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MEMBER OF YOUR FIANCE'S FAMILY BEFORE YOU PROPOSE OR ACCEPT A PROPOSAL!!!!!!

Now then...if you'll excuse me...it's 6:30 a.m. I have to go start making hamburgers.

It's going to be a looonnnng week.

Especially without Walter Matthau.