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5:35 a.m. - October 9th

I'M MORE TIRED THAN A MILTON BERLE JOKE good friend Brad F'n Pitt and I collaborated on the first recap of NBC's "Ed" for Mighty Big TV.

That Brad Pitt. You know ... a lot of people say nasty things about him, but in my book, he's one cool dude.

...Why do I feel like a parent desperately trying to force their 15 year-old that there is such a thing as Santa Claus??...

Why don't I just come right out and admit the worst kept secret in Diaryland??

Alright....twist my arm.

You WANT to hear me say it ... so here it goes....

Brad more popular than me.

There. I said it. It hurt...dare I stung. But it's true, it's been admitted ... and now I can finally exhale.

So innyway ... go check out the MBTV thing. Hope you watched "Ed" last night because that would make the recap more entertaining. If not, it's just as funny because you can pretend that you saw the show and not feel nearly as stupid while you read a recap of a show you had no intentions of watching.

So my little sister left yesterday to go back home. She was here less than 24 hours. Not that I miss her, but she is a cool cat and I wish she coulda stayed a bit longer.

I showed her how Napster worked yesterday morning. Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt when he created the monster. Except the monster didn't monopolize the Dr's internet time.

Went to church and then a retirement party for one of the guys at church. He retires from UPS and then buys one of the swankiest homes in the city. This puppy won all kindsa awards as a show home. It had one wall that was a mirror from ceiling to floor. I must have walked into it 17 times before I figured it out.

Yes, I have cat-like instincts.

Got home and our neighbor Ginny wanted to come over and check out the baby nursery.

I don't think I've ever really spoke at length about Ginny here because I'm always afraid she's going to stumble across this diary because she's an Internet fanatic.

But Ginny ALWAYS has to argue with everything I say or do. She's a nice woman and a good friend to my wife. But no matter WHAT I say, she always disagrees with me. It's gotten so annoying that when she's around I clam up and just smile.

The one thing she said last night that I SO BADLY wanted to throw back in her face is she said if she ever babysits Andrew some day, she will NOT use baby talk around him and that she HATES people that use baby talk around a child.

BUT...this woman has ALWAYS used baby talk around her dogs and mine. She cannot speak to a dog without using baby talk.

Maggie walked up to her last night and started sniffing her.

GINNY: "Wuh ooo doing, Maggie?? Are oooo sniffing Aunt Ginny's crotch for doggie-woggie-woggies??"

She can deny this baby talk all she wants, but it rubbed off on Susie, so I know for a fact that's how she talks.

She stayed way past her welcome in my book and left just minutes before "Ed" started. I didn't want to tell her that I was recapping "Ed" for Mighty Big TV because she would eventually find this diary and then come over here and talk baby talk to me until I passed the fuck out from annoyance.

I watched "Ed" for an hour and then spent four hours working with Brad writing the recap. I'm sure it will all move a bit quicker as time moves on and Brad learns to let go of the bong while trying to type.

Today is the dreaded State Fair Media competition. Out of four contests, the only one I stand a chance at winning is the hot dog eating contest. I never got around to decorating my hat ... so it currently has a roller coaster made of newspaper on top of it.

It's much, MUCH lamer than it sounds. Trust me. Try to imagine what a special ed class could come up with if they were asked to make a newspaper roller coaster. Then shit all over their roller coaster and that's what I'm left with.

The only chance I have is if all the other media people forgot to decorate their hats. Then I'm a shoo-in.

My luck...they'll take one look at my hat and declare the contest cancelled.

Of course, you'll read more about it tomorrow morning. I got a little more than four hours of sleep last night and am kinda out of it this morning. So I'm heading out into the 42 degree weather to walk the dog and then going to work to get a head start on the day.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya, tomorrow.

I promise.



Would you turn in a family member to authorities for committing an unspeakable crime? What if the reward was five million dollars?

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