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5:05 a.m. - 2001-02-07


First off, I sure like what Andrew has done with the redesign of the "Members" pages of Diaryland. As a heterosexual man 39 years of age, I've gots to admit ... I was getting pretty sick of looking at little kitty-kats every time I wanted to update this beeyotch.

They made me feel ... how should I put this? Less than masculine.

Thanks Andrew. Now I can hold my head up proudly and say "I'm a 39 year old married father who has an online diary!!"

Well ... no I can't. But at least you've taken me one step closer to that goal.

Once again ... weird dreams last night. I'm not going to bore you with any of them. No sex. No diarylanders. Just weird.

I think maybe it's because I drink a nice tall glass of orange juice before bed each night now. It's supposed to help ward off any voodoo spirits before you go to bed.

Well ... once again...not really. But every time I drink a Coca-Cola before bed, I toss and turn all night. And eventually, after a few hours of that, I normally toss my ass straight out of bed on a particularly hairy turn.

So, it's orange juice for me thank you.

Ten years ago, it was 12 Heinekens before bed.

My. How time changes your habits.

It's funny ... ten-fifteen-twenty years ago, I was the biggest alcoholic you'd ever come across.

It's true. It's true.

My only saving grace was that I was a FUN alcoholic. When I drank, by God, EVERYBODY was going to have fun or you could just step off my party train, Mister.

I really didn't come here to talk about my alcoholism today. I guess I just kinda segued into it.

And keep in mind ... I did my heaviest drinking when I was in the bar business. I've probably mentioned it here before, but when you're a club deejay, you're practically ENCOURAGED to drink all night. People buy you drinks all night long, and I wasn't about to pour them down the drain. Plus, I had an open bar tab ... "Drink all you want, Uncle's FREE!"

And since I was a fun drunk, the more I drank, the more fun I had, the more obnoxious I got on the microphone, the more "in-tune" I was with my audience ...

...The more hungover I was in the morning.

It was the hangovers that eventually made me curtail my drinking habits.

I remember the last REALLY BAD hangover I had a few years ago. As I sat on the bathroom floor, puking into anything that looked like it could hold vomit, I asked myself "Was it worth it?"

The answer was "No".

And I stopped. I decided to change my title from "Uncle Bob, Alcoholic" to "Uncle Bob, Social Drinker".

"Social Drinker" sounds so much cooler anyway.

These days, I can't even really consider myself a social drinker. I've been in plenty of situations where I could drink with my friends. And yet, I didn't drink.

Drinking just doesn't hold that same ... mystery about it like it used to for me.

I haven't had a beer since last May. And that's all I really drank anyway ... beer. Occasionally, I'd have champagne. But never wine or hard liquor.

And shooters? Heh. A thing of the past for me. I learned my lesson about shooters many times over.

I like waking up clear-headed now. Alert. And most of all ... not hungover.

Anyway ... geez ... I never saw that admission coming this morning. Let's move on ...

Oh ... but if you ever hold a joint up under my nose and say "Wanna burn one?", I'll whip a lighter out faster than you can finish the sentence "Wanna burn one?"

But I'm just never really put into that situation anymore. The few friends I have that smoke pot know that I no longer smoke like I used to so they try to keep their smoking a secret from me like I'm the Smoke Police or something now.

I WON'T smoke in my house anymore.

I WILL smoke in your house though if you have some, because I no longer buy the stuff or keep it in my house.

I just thought I'd clarify that.


Seriously ... let's move on.

Andy's still congested, but he's in a great mood.

The gross thing is ... his face is just pouring liquids. He's drooling because he's teething. His nose is running constantly because of the cold. His eyes are tearing now because he's finally gotten his tear ducts working.

I went through half a box of Kleenex last night while holding him. Every time I'd wipe his face down, more fluids would pour out, making his face as slick as a rain-soaked highway.

He found it amusing. I found it disgusting.

Welcome to Fatherhood, I guess.

Having lunch with Mattie Gee today.

I miss that fat hairy bastard. Yesterday was the first "Deadline Day" I've experienced without him by my side.

The new guy held his own though. He got ME outta there by 6:30 p.m. which was about the same time I'd leave when Mattie Gee was there, so I have no complaints.

And the new guy is okay, I guess. I don't think we'll ever be the buddies that Mattie Gee and I are. But he's a nice guy who keeps to himself for the most part.

Man. I really need to find something else to talk about. I'm boring myself over here.

Taking the dog in to get her teeth cleaned today.

When I take her in, I'm going to have to tell the receptionist to make sure her anal sacs are squeezed as well.

I'm kinda nervous about uttering the sentence, "Could you see to it that my dog's ass has all the nasty shit juice squeezed out of it like a rotten grape?"

I mean ... having to admit that your dog smells like a slaughterhouse to strangers ... I guess it's not the end of the world, but I just feel strange doing it.


There's no WAY I'd wanna be a veterinarian, for that one reason. The anal sacs squeeze.

I've watched them do it. Grab a paper towel, put it on the dog's ass, then squeeze her rectum until the towel's soaked in brown juice.


Then the dog stinks like hell for another day and the stench finally goes away for a few months.


I MUST remember to take an old towel with me to put on the car seat for her ride home.


Watched "The Mole" last night again. I'm really starting to get into that show. Unlike "Survivor", "The Mole" is a mystery that you can play along with at home.

Who's "The Mole"??? Everybody has their different suspicions and the way the show is filmed, the producers make you think it's one person one week and another person the next.

I now think it's Kathryn. It's either Kathryn or Steven.

BUT last night, when asked by his wife if he was The Mole, old man Charlie said "I've been sworn to secrecy. Even if I was the Mole, I wouldn't tell you."


Did Charlie let that one slip??

Who knows???

Anyway ... they're down to five contestants now. I still STRONGLY RECOMMEND that if you like mysteries or reality shows to watch this baby...Tuesday nights, ABC, the first show of the evening.


I've officially ran out of topics for this entry.

And with that, I'll bid you all a fond adieu.

Rawk the house, y'all.

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