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6:01 a.m. - 2001-10-26



Y'know...I was watching "Friends" last night. it just me or has Matthew Perry gotten like...really REALLY fat in a short amount of time?

The first time he was shown, it was like the first time I saw Jerry Lewis at this year's telethon. He was bloated and just looked disgusting. I'll be honest ... he was almost a dead ringer for me with his chubby little cheeks and bad haircut.

Y'know...I read that Jerry Lewis is all fat and bloated because he had to take some medicine that made him all fat and bloated after he had been sick. I read it in the Star, I think. Of course, then they go on to say that he was sick because he just returned from a space ship where aliens probed his greasy ass for several lightyears.

I think Matthew Perry is fat and bloated because someone took HIS medicine away from him.

Tee hee!

What I mean is ... he was all strung out on "painkillers" and had to go to rehab and so now he's trying to wean himself off the "painkillers" (i.e. cocaine) and has gotten fat in the process. Because cocaine keeps you thin...getting OFF cocaine makes you fat.

I mean (sniff, sniff), that's what I've heard, man (sniff, sniff). You gotta hundred bucks I can borrow?

Anyway, Matthew're getting fat, pal. In a few more weeks, you'll be known as the chubby Friend.

..If I have anything to say about it...

Watched "Survivor" last night. It's finally starting to pick up after two lackluster episodes.

I like how the one tribe...Richie Sambora or whatever it's called is just falling apart at the seams. The old people hate the young people and vice versa. Sorry...but I've gotta side with the old folks on this one. With the exception of Silas, those young whippersnappers are the laziest bunch of bastards I've ever seen.

You've got Brandon. He's more concerned with doing perfect Judy Garland impressions than getting water.

Then there's Lindsey, who was a hottie until the plane landed and kicked them all off in Africa. The sun and dirt have not been kind to Lindsey. Last night, she got all dehydrated and started puking everywhere. Oh yeah...she's a keeper.

Then there's the girl with no name. I think it might be Kim, but I'm not entirely sure. She's so boring that they haven't really focused on her yet. She could get eaten by a lion and I doubt anyone would miss her. Well...they may have more gruel to eat at the end of the day and wonder where it came from. But other than that, I doubt she'd be missed.

Then Silas, who's a conniving little bastard. He made a pact with the old folks to join their alliance and then stabbed them in the back like Jack the Ripper. He'll probably make it to the final three because of his charm and his smart way of playing.

The old folks lost their first member last night in a silly little quiz on how to survive. Even I knew the answer to the question they asked ("True or can get a tick off you by pouring hot water on it" ... the answer is True...duh), so I couldn't feel sorry for them losing the old guy.

But now it's gonna get interesting. The young lazy whippersnappers are going to vote off the old folks one by one.

And then, they'll just lay in the desert and starve to death because none of them has the smarts to go get water from the mudhole. That was the old people's job.

Business is about to pick up in Africa, kids.

Well, I made yet another attempt yesterday to really piss my wife off and alienate her even more from my tender lovin'.

After work, I stopped at Sam's Club to get some camcorder tapes, some blank videotapes and some chicken breasts.

I happened to walk down the DVD aisle. I probably shouldn't have. I don't need any more DVDs this week. I already bought one on Tuesday.

But after making my list of scary movies the other day, and if I saw one or two of those on the list at a dirt cheap price...I's karma...right?

So ... I saw "Halloween". It was packaged with "Halloween 5" for $19.99.

Holy moley! That's how much I'd pay for JUST "Halloween" in any other store. But now I get "Halloween 5" with it?!?!

Granted, I've never seen Halloween 5 and have never cared to. But in my's free!!

So I snatched it up.

I started to walk towards the cashier when I thought..."Gee... I wonder if there's any other scary movies in that stack of twofers that I might want..."

Well guess what, Junior??


I came across "Dawn of the Dead"...the first sequel to "Night of the Living Dead" and in my opinion, much better than the original.

It was packaged with "Day of the Dead", the second sequel. I tried to watch that once and it gave me a really uneasy feeling for some reason. I think I had eaten something bad beforehand or something. But in my mind, I associate "Day of the Dead" with extremely bloody diarrhea.

Too much info?

Anyway...I snatched that twofer up too. I stared at both packages, KNOWING if I came home with four DVDs, my wife would shit a brick. Which is amusing to watch, but then you're stuck with a shitbrick and what the hell do you do with a shitbrick, pal?

My childish nature got the best of me. I didn't put any back and bought all of them.

I got home and told the wife I had done a bad thing today.

Instantly, she thinks I killed her mother when I say things like that.

So when I tell her "Don't yell...but I bought these DVDs today" she's relieved that her mother's still alive and that she doesn't have to put out a classified ad looking for a new father for her baby while I rot in prison.

Y'see guys? That's how you handle the old lady when you screw up. You make her THINK that you're about to share a disaster with her and when you just drop a little bomb on her, she's relieved.

You know...technically...I could make a fortune if I ever decided to become a motivational speaker and share the secrets of manipulating your wife with henpecked husbands around the world.

I might look into that.

Key word being..."might".

Andy's doing better. Thanks for asking.

After discussing my recent woes with the Army growing bigger and not everyone getting equal attention, my personal site designer Lisa whipped up a new look for this bad boy which hopefully will be debuting by Monday morning.

Are you as excited as me??

I like it myself. It's clean and concise.

I hope you like it too and don't go running off into the woods, screaming like a banshee because the page will have a new look.

Deal with it, Charlie.

That's enough damage from me. I've gotta go fix breakfast for the family.


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