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21:33:49 - 2000-04-18


Well ... I just left one of those voice mail thing messages on Miss Angela's voice mail box thingie thing.

The only other time I've done that is when I called Banky and proceeded to make an ass of myself by doing bad imitations of cartoon characters.

Truth be told, I have HORRIBLE phone manners.

Godawful bad phone manners.

Fuckin' Attila the Hun had better phone manners than my cranky ass.

My mom used to point that out to me when I was a teenager. How I was just "so rude" to my friends when they called.

I just have always hated the telephone. Always.

The only time I remember loving the telephone was the summer of 1980 when I had a new girlfriend...Treva.

The love of my life.

We would be together all night, then synchronize our watches. I'd go home and she would call me at EXACTLY midnight.

I had to get that phone AS SOON as it answered because I didn't want my parents woken up by the phone ringing at midnight.

We would then proceed to talk or fall asleep on the phone together.

That was the only period of my life that I can recall thinking "Man...I can't live without that phone."

These days, if it wasn't for emergencies and work, I wouldn't have a phone. It is simply not a necessity in my life anymore.

Now...take away my Internet and there's gonna be bloodshed.

Anywhooo...what I REALLY hate about phones is dead air on a phone. When you're on the phone with someone who doesn't wanna talk, just wants to have you on the phone for some ungodly reason.

When Susie and I first started dating, she would call me just to see if I was home. She'd then start going about her daily activities around the house. Sometimes she'd describe them, sometimes she'd be silent while she did laundry or cleaned house.

It drove me fucking batty.

I'm shocked she even stayed with me. I was downright rude to her one time when she called me after a long day.

"Whatcha doin," she asked.

I don't remember what I's been 14 years...but it had something to do with the fact that I had just gotten through a relatively shitty day.

"I'm sorry," she said ... and then started silently baking a cake.


I remember telling her that from here on out, if she called me, she was to have something to say or to not call at all. If she felt the insatiable desire to talk to me, she only lived a mile away ... hop in the car and get yer ass here.

It hurt her feelings and I felt bad about it immediately.

But she got the picture. And I've got to hand it to my only have to tell her something once and she remembers not to ever do it again.

Except tickling my feet. One of these days that woman's gonna get a Kung-fu kick to the face.

She just does it to be "touchy-feely" where I just wanna jump outta my skin when the bottoms of my feet are being stroked.

I asked the question on the message board this morning...what's the most sensitive part of your body?

Bottom line...mine's the nips.

I dated one girl briefly who just HAD to suck my nipples.

It was some mad desire of hers...she couldn't live without it.

I calmly explained to her that the nips were off limits. She could slather a fuzzy bed slipper in grape jelly and wedge it up my ass if she wanted to ... but no touchie the nippie.

So she came up with a plan.

And that was to screw me like I had never been screwed before and just when I'm in nirvana ... go for the nips. That way, there's no way I'll say no.

She started going at it like a porn star. But since I've moved past the initial "I Want Hits So I've Gotta Talk About Sex In My Diary" stage, I won't go into detail ....

But ... she was on top and riding me like a hyperactive kid riding a broken rocking horse. Lotsa violent thrusting and loud noises if I recall.

Anyway...I'm laying there with my eyes closed...praying for my penis' safety, quite frankly ... when I felt something warm clamp down on my right nipple.

Okay. I did NOT want to have to take this girl's head clean off with a solid right hook. But that was my initial reaction.

I gently grabbed her by both ears and removed her suction cup of a mouth off of my chestin about 0.3 seconds.

She began to pout.

AND she quit violently thrusting.

I reached down to make sure my penis was still intact. There were tiny areas in my groin that weren't completely numb, meaning I still had a sex pistol hidden up in there somewhere.

Then I kinda good naturedly bucked her a few know...let's get the groove back on, Queen Latifah.


No nookie.

Oh, how the tables turned.

She then proceeded to lick and suck and nibble my nipple until I FORCED an orgasm out quickly so I could push her off me and never get near her mouth again.

The next day, she made it quite clear that if this relationship was going to continue, she had to have the nippie.

I made it quite clear there were other fish in the sea that wouldn't need to nibble on my nipple.

And honest to God...we parted ways after that.

Probably one of the dumbest things I've ever broken up over. there anyone out there that would stay with someone who plans on doing something to you that you HATE every time you go to bed with them?

I rest my case.

So Jane...wherever you are...I hope yer getting all the nippie you can handle.

Susie's adapted quite well to no nippie.

Thank God.

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