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6:38 a.m. - 2001-04-22


I am one tired little piggy.

You know how this little piggy went to market and this little piggy stayed home?

Well this little piggy wants to scream "Leave my toes alone, bitch" and go to bed for three days.


I'm so tired...using caps is wearing my ass out.

that's how tired i am.

"Why, so tired," you half-heartedly ask.

Because I'm smoking some ribs. And they take 18 hours to smoke.

And every two hours, they need more water in the drip pan or more wood on the fire, or more charcoal or the fire needs stoked, etc.

Soooo...last night I had to get up every two hours to check on them.

And twice between two-hour sleep sessions, Andy wanted to see how loud he could scream and how long it took me to get to his crib.

Once I got there, he was laying there peacefully, like nothing was wrong.

Testing me.

The little terror was testing me.

Something tells me it's going to be a looooong 18 years with this kid.

Susie and I were sitting around the house last night when she said "Are you doing anything for the kids who come to the silent auction?"


Well...I was PLANNING on it ... and I forgot about it. Being so busy with trying to reel in the big bucks, I had forgotten to take care of the kids in the church.

So we packed the screaming terror into the van and cruised to the mall.

I had a plan.

Two words: Dollar Tree.

I'm not a big fan of the Dollar Tree store because I don't like buying total crap. If I wanted to buy crap, I'd follow my dog around the backyard and scoop up whatever she gave me and tuck a buck under her front leg for her troubles.

But kids LOVE Dollar Tree. And I think it's because kids have yet to distinguish the difference between quality items and shit made in Polynesia by blind beggar women. Kids are all over the place in Dollar Tree, because most kids don't have the kind of money other stores ask for items. Why pay $15 for a CD, when you can go to Dollar Tree and get $15 worth of Pokemon stamps, generic toy cars and whoopee cushions that don't work?

Believe me...I tried every single whoopee cushion on the rack last night....NONE of them worked.

Another thing I don't like about Dollar Tree is ... no shopping carts. They have "baskets" for you to put your items in while you shop. Granted ... you've got to be pretty demented to actually WANT to fill up a cart at Dollar Tree, but in a case like what we were doing last night, you're buying a shitload of shit for kids who are going to go ga-ga over Star Wars pencils and Silly Putty and those baskets just don't cut the mustard, Junior.

By the time we were done gathering up enough stuff for all the kids, we had seven baskets full of crap. We were like white trash Santas.

So now, all the kids will have the opportunity to bid on items that they want tonight. Actually...everything's going to cost a dollar and there won't be any bidding.

Actually ... I have no idea what I'm doing. I may just give the kids stuff to win them over to my side, since the kids at church love Susie and Andy but are scared to death of me.

We'll see.

Anyway...I'm tired. The grill is smoking like Snoop Dogg so I'm cool in that department.

I think I'm going back to bed. Tonight's the big silent auction ... wish me luck!

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