FOR NOT HAVING MUCH TO SAY, I SURE HAVE A WAY OF SAYING IT

Once again...here I am staring at the computer screen with very little to talk about.

Like that's ever stopped me before.

I was sooooo bored at work yesterday. I spent the day, sitting by the phone and waiting for it to ring with someone on the other line saying "Let's set up an interview!"

I've never been so desperate to do something that resembles "work" in my life.

Anyway, I fully understand that I started at a "down" time. All of the projects scheduled are in their last phase and the new projects (that I'll be working on) are just starting up so it's slow at first. And when business picks up, I'll be bombarded with work so I should enjoy this while I can.

Still, it's hard to sit perfectly still for eight hours at a desk and remain quiet as a mouse because you work on the "quiet" side of the building.

It's my own fault. When I interviewed for the job, I was adamant that I needed a "quiet" office.

But...in my defense ... I was coming from a LOUD workplace. When I said "quiet", I meant a regular business atmosphere, not a funeral home.

On my side of the building, it's deathly quiet. People walk up and down the highway reeeeeal carefully.

I'm wondering if maybe they were all told that New Boy needs quiet if he's going to write. I'm the only person in the entire building who's a writer and maybe they all think that any little noise will break my concentration.

Maybe I should just sit at my desk today and at one point just scream like rats were crawling up my legs.

And then when people come running, I could just sit there and pretend like it wasn't me.

I wonder what would happen then.

You know...besides me either being reprimanded or fired.

I DID manage to answer a few things on the message board yesterday.

Including why nobody ever receives email from Uncle Bob.

I think I explained it pretty fully in my message. And let it be known, I feel bad as hell for not returning emails.

It's one of my major faults. And honestly, the only times I've ever REALLY thought about shutting this diary down was because I felt like a real shit for not answering emails and if I shut this diary down, the emails would eventually disappear and I wouldn't feel like a real shit anymore.

So if you send me an email chances are high you won't receive a response.

Even people that ask specific questions ... I can't remember which are which and then I have to go through and find out which one asked me which specific question.

Basically, I have time to read each email, I just don't have time to respond to them.

I guess because I feel like I have to write a novel on each email in order to justify sending it.

Imagine...me...Uncle Bob...feeling like he has to write a novel every time he sits down at the computer.

Ludicrous...huh?

Maybe I should just start answering emails, but in very short bursts.

I might try that.

Then again...I might not.

But believe me kids...if I could change one thing...it would be that I could answer each and every email sent to me.

Yep.

Fuck world hunger.

Answering email would make me a happy boy.

You know...I could quit updating this diary and THEN I'd have the time to answer emails.

Would you rather have that?

At 2:34 this morning, I was awaken by the worst goddamned Charley Horse I think I've ever had.

My leg felt like a ligament popped, although I've never had a ligament pop but I feel quite secure that it probably hurts like a popped ligament.

I danced around the bedroom for about five minutes.

I find that when I get a charley horse in the middle of the night, the best thing to do is to jump out of bed and do the Macarena.

"Hey Macca, Hey Macca, Hey Macarena....heyyyyyyyyy Macarena!"

Apparently it didn't work last night because I feel like a chunk's missing from my leg.

I got a few emails yesterday about the Monty Python thing I wrote about.

While most cheered me on, one defended the right to recite Monty Python sketches verbatim because today's teens are just getting into Monty Python because of a recent resurgence into their popularity.

...Monty Python's popularity, not teens popularity. Teens are still not popular in the eyes of adults unless you happen to be a perv.

Since I didn't have a chance to respond to that email (see above) I shall respond here.

Everyone in the free world should be allowed to recite ONE Monty Python skit ONCE in their entire life. Anything more than that and you become an annoying little shit that comes off feeble-minded and slow-witted.

NEE! NEE!

Oh...and the irony of being corrected on misquoting Monty Python after yesterday's diatribe was delicious. Thanks to Dave making me giggle uncontrollably.

Susie's got a problem at work with this half-man, half-woman guy.

I wrote about him a year ago. He works with Susie and even though he's married with a kid, he's the most effiminate man I've ever met in my life.

I don't have a problem with gays. But when a gay guy tries to masquerade as a straight man and does a godawful horrible job of it, then I have a problem. So he got drunk one night, screwed a woman and she got pregnant. That's no reason to turn his back on the gay community and everything he believes in and lead a life as a straight man when it's obvious he's gayer than gay.

He is such a stereotypical gay guy too. Every stereotype that gay men have been saddled with...he does it. The limp wrists, the lisps, the high-pitched hissy fits. And then he'll say "I jutht LOOOOOOVE my thexy wife and thweet little girl" to remind everyone that he leads a double life.

Anyway...

Susie is friends with the guy and has been for years. I never liked him because he just creeped me out. I like her other gay friends, but this one gives me the heebie jeebies.

So anyway...they were supposed to clean out the refrigerator in the company's break room last Friday.

According to Susie, he went in there without her and threw EVERYTHING away, including the breast milk she had pumped earlier that morning and the ice packs that she uses to keep them cold.

He threw away people's lunches that clearly had their names on the bags and tupperware.

He threw away all the condiments that were recently bought and the soft drinks people had brought in.

EVERYTHING.

This infuriated Susie. She made him reach through the trash and retrieve her breast milk and ice packs.

I told her from this point on to NEVER talk to him again. Stay away from him. They've had squabbles and confrontations in the past, and I was tired of hearing her come home and bitch about this freak of nature.

She told me not to worry. She was never talking to him again after that.

So yesterday, he sends her an email that she brought home to me to show me what an ass he is.

...I'll be damned if I didn't agree with almost everything he said. Which points out that there's two sides to every story.

A) They were supposed to clean the refrigerator out at 11:30 together, Susie and Mr. "I'm Straight. No. Really. I'm Straight". By 12:30, Susie was still bogged down with work, so he took it upon himself to clean it himself because Susie was in and out of meetings the entire time.

I can vouch for him there. Susie's biggest fault is that she doesn't take other people's time into consideration. She's always late and never apologetic when she finally shows up. It burns my ass to no end, but if that's the worst thing I can find about her, I can live with it.

B) He said she yelled at him across the office where dozens of people heard her berate him.

I've been on the receiving end of a few of those diatribes from her. They ain't no picnic. When she gets mad, she doesn't care how big of an ass she comes off as...she's going to speak her mind and wants a big audience when she does it.

C) He said her crying was unprofessional.

Oh jeez. This is sooooo embarrassing. My wife has a real big problem with crying at the drop of a hat. She can NOT control her emotions and has never been able to keep them in check. She's now 36 years old and cries every time she gets frustrated or mad. She doesn't care who sees it, she will wail like a baby when she wants to.

I've tried to tell her ... she will never move up in her company if she can't keep a tighter rein on her emotions. Nobody wants to promote someone into management who will start bawling if things don't go her way.

D) He said that her habit of keeping her breast milk in the break room refrigerator was wrong.

I halfway agree on this. Not everyone is as enthusiastic as she is about her breast feeding. When Andy was first born, Susie was proud as a peacock to whip a tit out and feed him in public and DARE anyone to say anything to her about it. God forbid ... I told her in an airport to cover up when he was three weeks old. I got a LONG lecture on how this is a beautiful thing and she shouldn't HAVE to cover up.

And to a gay man pretending to be straight ... seeing half full bottles of breast milk on a daily basis must turn his stomach. He says that she needs to either get a cooler and leave it in her office or find other arrangements rather than displaying her breast milk for all to see.

So even though I clearly think that he was wrong in throwing people's lunches away and throwing the breast milk away and KNOWING what he was doing... after reading "Straight" Boy's email, I agreed with a few of the things he said about my wife.

Did I tell her that?

Oh hell no. I would still like to hold onto my testicles for a while longer, thank you very much.

So I read the email and said "Oh well".

Which is the only thing I could think of to say that wasn't incriminating.

I have a feeling we're going to talk about the email this morning.

I've gotta be honest with her about it.

Maybe she'll only take one testicle.