NEPHEWS AND NIECES AND IN-LAWS...OH MY!

WILL THIS TORTURE EVER END?!?!?

I was PROMISED that the Texas in-laws were leaving today.

PROMISED!!!

So yesterday, as I'm whipping up 300 lbs. of spaghetti for this army of mutants, my 15-year-old nephew approaches me.

"Uncle Bob...can I have a soda?"

"No. We're eating in 30 minutes and you'll want one then too. Just wait for dinner."

"Please?!?!"

"When in the hell are you guys leaving??"

"Saturday."

"SATURDAY?!?!? I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING TOMORROW."

"Nope. Saturday."

I tracked Susie down in one of the bedrooms.

"When are THEY leaving?," I hissed, while jerking my thumb to the closed door behind me.

"They were going to leave Friday," she said. "But I think they're staying until Saturday."

...Y'know...if I LIKED blow jobs, I'd be forcing her to slob on my knob for the next month over this shit ...

Although...credit where credit is due...my time spent with the in-laws yesterday was much less than it has been in recent days.

I woke up, did the diary thing, and scooted outta this house to get to the office ...my sanctuary.

I came home for lunch and they were all gone.

Heaven.

I came home at 4 yesterday...still no in-laws.

Double Heaven.

4:15...I could swear I heard the little girl from "Poltergeist"...

"They're heeeerrrre."

Carload after carload of inlaws pulled up.

"Uncle Bob, can we play Play Station?"

"Uncle Bob, can we have a soda?"

"Uncle Bob, can I have a snack?"

"Uncle Bob, how big is your penis and will mine ever get that big?"

"Uncle Bob, can we watch a movie?"

"Uncle Bob, can we play a board game?"

ONE KID. That's all we're having. ONE FUCKING KID.

And when that kid asks "Can I have a brother or sister?" I'm locking his ass outside until he admits he never ever EVER will ask that question again.

My problem is...and this isn't bragging, it's just fact...I'm the coolest Uncle these kids have. I dare say I'm the coolest adult they know.

Then again... these kids were born into a family of freaks. I actually win by default here.

So I've always been cool to them. But I'm getting older.

Crankier.

Bitchier.

And now, I won't let them sip my beer. Hell...I don't even drink anymore.

...And I've gotten rid of all my Playboys. So now they have no reading material.

I STILL haven't fallen from their good graces though. They still think I'm cooler than any of their parents, even if I don't let them drink soda after soda after soda.

...Maybe it's the fact that I've made EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM at least one CD full of their favorite tunes.

...So technically...Napster is probably their favorite uncle.

I'm sitting here right now, listening to Mandy Moore.

Who the hell Mandy Moore is is anybody's guess. I've never heard of her, and I'm a damned deejay.

But my niece will be excited.

Oh...speaking of discs and nephews...my nephew Adam has me a little worried.

He's 13 and can't get enough of the boy bands.

When I was 13 and my buddies liked a band that only girls were supposed to like...well...we had a name for them.

We called 'em "Fairies".

I have a feeling Adam's a fairy.

He got his little Napster disc, put on the headphones, and started doing all these little Backstreet Boys dance moves while listening to a disc full of the Boys, N Sync, and 98 Degrees.

It's not my position to take him aside and say "Look, ya little gimp...you're not SUPPOSED to like these songs. You're supposed to like Limp Biskit or Korn or Slipknot. Now...quit dancing like a little Lance Bass and let's make you a disc that won't get you beat up for listening to."

But hey...he's not MY kid.

Anyway...so last night...

Apparently, my mother in law told Susie and her sister that she would help with dinner last night.

Well guess fucking what???

She "forgot" she had said that. She also forgot that she told the sisters that they needed to come pick the kids up at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, because when Susie and her sister showed up to pick up the kids, the entire brood was gone.

To the mall.

So...rather than coming home and fixing dinner, the sisters sat in the driveway of Mom's house in 105 degrees weather (thats 40c to you Canucks!) for one hour, wondering where in the hell Mom and the kids were.

Of course, Sandy, my sis-in-law, was frantic. Which means she was louder than normal.

(I watched CNN last night. Apparently Sandy got so upset and LOUD that she actually woke up DEAD people and they're now walking the earth in search for her to throttle her so they can go back to their eternal peace.)

By the time Susie and Sandy got back to the house at 6 p.m, I had already been bombarded with in-laws for two hours.

Of course, there was a fight between daughters and mother over her insensitivity.

I had NO IDEA my sister-in-law could get this fucking loud.

I literally had to go running from the room. Her voice was doing something to my fragile little brain. Jarring it loose or something. It was very traumatic for me.

I went to bed at 9 p.m. while everyone was still here. Every television was being used by a child, both computers were being monopolized, there were people everywhere in the house and by God...I just couldn't take it anymore.

So me and my dog, who's just as frazzled over this whole deal, went to bed and laid there, psyching ourselves up for one and a half more days of this shit.

...Maybe I'll learn to like blow jobs after all. Because when all is said and done, I've GOT to benefit from this week of torture somehow.