PUTTING ONE OVER ON THE MRS.

My wife is so dumb.

For her birthday last January, I told her I wouldn't be buying her a birthday present.

And I didn't.

Andrew bought her a present.

Get it? I mean...really I bought the present because Andrew was only two months old at the time and his income was next to nil at the time. But I signed it "From Andrew".

Pretty cool, huh?

So as Christmas approached, Susie kept saying "We're not buying each other gifts this year, right? We're only getting Andrew stuff, right??"

And I kept saying "Yes dear. I'm not going to be buying you any presents this year."

You know...because all along I knew that "Andrew" could still buy her presents!!

I mean....HELLOOOOO?? Earth calling Princess Gullible...come in Princess Gullible...

HA!

Man...is she ever dumb!

Fell for the same dumb line twice in one year!

So anyway ... I can't find her a decent present.

Here's what I wanted to get her: A picture frame that says all this crap about Mothers, and to put Andrew's picture in there.

I've got one on my desk all about Fathers that she got me when he was first born. It says "Fathers are a child's protector and a hero in their eyes. A father is a teacher by example of what a man can be."

And then it goes on and on, trying to be mushy when it's really just something that you look at every time you're ready to leave your wife, pack your bags and head to Vegas to cheat tourists on the street out of their money playing Three Card Monty. Reading all this stuff makes you feel real guilty about leaving your baby behind so you end up staying with her and ignoring the constant nagging about taking the trash out and spending the grocery money on strippers and stuff like that.

Anyway ... I found a frame at Bed Bath and Beyond and bought it. It has nothing about mothers on it. And it's silver metal, not wood. But it has room for six pictures of various sizes and I just thought it'd be cool to have a frame with six photos in it.

Then, for the helluva it, after I bought this frame...I went to Hallmark.

They had the exact Mothers frame I was looking for except it's metal and not wood like mine.

I really wanted to get her a wood one.

I didn't buy the metal one because I still have a week left to find a wooden one. If I can't find one before then, I'll zip over to Hallmark and buy the metal one.

FROM ANDREW.

Not me.

Gull. Uh. Bull.

So does this mean I'm not getting a Christmas present this year?

Well, yeah, sorta.

I bought the "Traffic" DVD the day after Thanksgiving and that's going in my stocking.

And we're probably going to buy a digital camera tomorrow. That will be both of our present.

Other than that, I'm not expecting anything.

Well ... Mom bought us some Waterford crystal.

I'm not sure why. We're not exactly the Waterford crystal "type". She is.

I'll be very thankful when she gives it to us. Mainly because she told both my sisters that's what she was giving us this year instead of money and they both kinda threw a little fit which pissed Mom off.

So I will be very grateful and gracious when I get mine and she'll love me the most.

She doesn't know I know that's what we're getting, so I'll fake it up real good.

Heeeeeee!!

A special shout out to my gal Claudia who works for the Buena Vista Music Group and who just sent me a package of Walt Disney books, tapes and CDs for Andrew.

I opened up the package and it was just too cool. All kindsa Pooh and Tigger stuff to make my boy smile big on Christmas morning.

Thanks Claudia! You rawk in my book!

I also received this big nice hardback book on the Philadelphia Phillies today.

I interviewed the CEO of the Phillies yesterday and he asked where he could send a book to me. I gave him my addy and it came today.

I'll tell ya what ... if I was into the Phillies, this would be one cool book.

Alas, I'm much more into Disney than the Phillies these days. So Claudia wins out.

It's nice to know I'm still getting perks even after leaving the newspaper gig.

There's this really weird couple outside my window who must work upstairs or something.

Anyway, the guy is REALLY weird. One day he couldn't get the door to his truck open so he kicked the crap out of it, leaving dents in the side of it.

He's got a girlfriend who he apparently works with upstairs. They go outside and sit in the back of his truck and hug and kiss and all that crap during their breaks. The truck is always parked right outside my window here about 20 yards away from me.

So just now, they started wrestling. It looked to be playful stuff.

Then this moron started getting rough with her. I SAW him slap her in the face. She went ballistic on him, kicking him and doing that whole windmill thing that girls do, swinging their arms madly, hoping to connect several times in a series of continuous slaps.

Then she hugged him. I guess the slap wasn't so bad that I needed to get up, go out there and pull him off her.

But while she's hugging him, he puts her in a headlock and won't let go. She finally got out and started doing the kicking/windmill thing again.

They smacked and kicked a few more times, hugged and then went back inside the building.

They look like your typical WWF fans in that he had his head shaved down to stubble and always wears this greasy looking jacket while she's dressed like a mentally challenged whore.

I don't get the whole appeal of beating the crap out of your girlfriend in front of an executive building.

Granted, it's all in fun apparently, but she took a couple of stinging slaps from him.

What a loser.

We're meeting the preacher, his wife and baby for dinner tonight and then all going to a Christmas party together at the hip young lesbian's house. Then tomorrow, I have to stay with Andrew while Susie goes to a Cookie Exchange Party.

I asked her why she was going to this Cookie Exchange. She said "to get cookies!" I reminded her that I couldn't eat any of them and she reminded me "but I can!"

...rabble scrabble inconsiderate wife...

Actually, she and Andy can eat the cookies since he's gradually turning into a cookie monster. According to Miss Robin, his daycare lady, she gives him one cookie a day and it's the thing he eats the fastest and he always wants another one.

Uh huh.

My boy alright.